Sunday, November 21, 2010
Simply....
“Simply”
By Ryan Jasper
May 2007
I’d simply like to feel like love, faith, hope, honesty, family, and I want true friendships to really mean something and held more value with more people…
It’s so easy to say they do, but yet the actions of so many people prove otherwise. “What’s important to you is really only important if your actions show this…”
People are so easily influenced by outside factors and let small things that are meaningless come between the things that should really matter…
We should all be the person someone else can always count on and hopefully that’s returned. Life is too short to live an empty life...
Extend a part of who you are every day and you’re able to love the person you’ll truly become…
Ryan Matthew Jasper
May 2007
So true... keep things simple. There's no room for petty things anymore. Extend yourselves to those you love. To have a good friend, be a good friend, Ryan always said. He was one person a lot of people could count on. Let's all try to be the one person other people can always count on <3 Thank you to all those who HE could count on.
-L J
Friday, November 19, 2010
Hope Floats
I can't sleep. What I find myself doing when I can't sleep, call me crazy, is looking for traces. Looking in albums for pictures I haven't discovered yet, things he gave me, letters on my computer, letters he sent me. I don't know if this is normal or not but as soon as I find something it is like temporary relief. I mean let's be honest it hasn't even been much more than a month yet... it's still fresh even if it isn't for anyone else. You don't know someone 25 years and then forget after 50 days.
Here is a letter I wrote to him 3 years ago. Makes me smile.
September 4, 2007
Ry-Pie,
After receiving your last two letters, I’m going to start my response out with a quote…
“Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what Momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.”
- Hope Floats
Good one, huh? I just watched that movie - I bought it at Wal-mart over the weekend for only $5 – that’s a deal. That’s almost how much rentals are now so it’s worth it to just buy. Anyway enough about that… it was really nice seeing you Sunday! I’m glad Pat and I managed to pull that off. We have been planning that for well over a month now. I sent out all of your pictures today so you should have them (hopefully) by Thursday or Friday, but definitely before the weekend. Add up the cost of the pics, the postage, and the envelopes and my labor costs for standing there scanning in all of those pics and that’s about $100… it took me forever haha. Like over an hour, but that’s okay. I saw Anson while I was there… do you remember him? I showed him your pic standing next to your painting and he thinks you’ve really got talent. Did you ever consider being a graphic artist for books… like children’s books? You should. That would be awesome! Or maybe I can publish something and you can be the artist haha.
Well onto your letter… I found your letter to be very interesting because even though you have been in there quite some time, you pointed things out to me that I never would have even considered, just how different people are and yes, you’ve changed a little, but them moreso because they are out here in the real world where life changes at an ever so rapid pace – constantly. Your change occurs in different increments since you are in there. I noticed this about some of my younger friends… they may not have changed at all, but I have matured, and so now they seem even less mature to me when I am around them. It’s so funny that you wrote about all this stuff before you, me, and Pat had the conversation about the Gatorage lids because it all goes along the same lines… outside of where you are, life is changing at an unbelievable pace.
A quote from Grey’s Anatomy would fit great right here…
"Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us can wants, is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go."
There is so much truth in that statement because time doesn’t wait for ANYONE. If something occurs to you in your life, the world is not put on hold to cater to you. You are expected to pick yourself up onto your own two feet and keep on walking. There are no time-outs and no pause buttons in life. However, this can sometimes be used to your advantage. It allows people like you to sit back and see the world from a different perspective – one that is changing at a much slower pace because you are in the same place doing the same things. You notice things that all of us out here do not because we are distracted by the everyday advancements and changes going on all around us. Consider yourself lucky. I think you need to look at your situation as one similar to Emerson or Thoreau… they both went out into nature and away from society for a season or two. Actually, now that I think about it… Thoreau stayed at a cabin on land that belonged to Emerson for like TWO years!
Anyway wow I just went off on a wild tangent (it happens) but you get the point! There are pro’s and con’s to your situation. When you get out of there, you will appreciate many things much more than most people – you will not take things for granted, and that is an easy trap to fall into these days! I know that I am not perfect, but one thing I can say about myself is that I definitely enjoy and appreciate even the littlest of things. Like, just the other day I was leaving the house and 3 deer were in the yard and I got SO close to them in my car and then when I got right up on them, they all darted across the yard but they are really beautiful creatures and they looked so perfect. The green grass and blue sky behind them didn’t hurt the scene either haha. Just little stuff like that, I always say a prayer and just say THANK YOU LORD! Even just to wake up some days, or to have made it through another day. I know you are like that too, so it must have been how we were raised.
Sounds like you need to get to bed earlier and get some more sleep if you’re going to bed at 12:30 and getting up at 6. Well, it’s about my bedtime now. I’m gonna go take my contacts out then read for a bit. Then it’s time for some shuteye!
Love you! Peace out girl scout! Write back soon!
Lynds"
So isn't it funny... I go to find something from him and it's just what I need. "Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us can wants, is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go."
It's ok to feel what I feel. Time might move on but, the feelings I have aren't quite there yet. The other quote, beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most.... this comforts me. You lived your life to the fullest in the middle and you are at peace now. No more pain, struggle, confusion, or hopelessness. I just need to keep telling myself that, each morning and night. For me, those are the toughest... the stuff in the middle is easy.
I'm just going to give hope a chance to float up.... and it will.
Missing you a lot these past few days,
-Lil Sis
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
A Safe Place
I have no words tonight. Walked home tonight from dinner with a friend and all I could think about was you. I guess I am just having an off night. The tears are coming easy tonight. Whenever I hear you have graced us with your presence, I get so emotional.
Mom and Anna were at a store tonight and my little cousin Rosie was with them. She is very, very sensitive to things and she can sometimes sense things. She has a special gift. She said there was bright white light walking behind them, and then when Anna tried a coat on, Ryan wrapped his arms around her. We can all believe what we want but I believe he is around. I feel his presence.
Instead of talking, I'll just post the poem I wrote him 3 years ago when he was away. Some of you have already read it but, it never hurts to revisit things.
A Safe Place
To Ryan from Lyndsay
Christmas 2007
1981
Beautiful baby boy enters the world
A little mischievous, a little unsure
Staring out into the great unknown
Wondering if this is the place he'll always call home
1985
A little girl arrives in the middle of May
Much to the little boys' dismay
Competing for the love and affection of Mom and Dad
No one knew the affect this would someday have
1988
At times, being a big brother wasn't such a bad thing
He taught her new words and also how to sing
She held his hand and he lead the way
She trusted everything he did and everything he would say
1991
Every night she snuck through his door
Only to be caught when her footsteps reached the creaky wooden floor
He tells her alligators are under the bed to scare her away
But really, she knows he just wants her to stay
1994
She helps him with his spelling words each night
But that doesn't matter – they still fight
Things got rough; they avoid each other
Sounds kind of like their Father and Mother
1996
At school today, he got in a fight
A knock on the door, on goes the light
Teacher comes to the house for a meeting
She's hoping and praying this doesn't result in a beating
1997
She hides in her room with the music up loud
Studies hard to make her parents proud
Doesn't want to head down the wrong path
It's been done before – she's seen the aftermath
1999
He's out on the street all alone
She wishes he would just come home
If only they could get along
The road ahead wouldn't seem so long
2001
Happy 16th – here's a car!
Keep up the good work, you'll go far!
So much pressure for the shoulders of one
He thought her life was all games and fun
2003
She walks up to get her diploma
All dressed up in her cap and gown
Looks up to the bleachers
But he's nowhere to be found
2005
He's still up state behind the cold bars
She's lost her first love – nothing but heartache and scars
He has a girl who cannot speak
Her love had faded; their bond grew weak
2007
Similar outfit, her cap and gown
Looks up into the bleachers – he's still out of town
She hears the words projecting from the speaker say
"Let's pay a minute of respect for those who couldn't make it today."
2007
It's his turn to shine; it's finally his turn!
In his cap and gown, because of all that he's learned
Yeah he was knocked over but never fell down
Picked up his life and got up off the ground
When she thinks back on all the times he couldn't be there
It makes her realize that life isn't always fair
But everything she thought he missed
He never really missed at all
He was there with her for it all
Tucked up inside a little ball
Inside a safe place inside her heart
Because that's where he's been, ever since the start.
-Lyndsay M. Jasper
November 2007
I miss you big bro, with all my empty heart.
-Lil Sis
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Copy Cat
I was just doing some grading and listening to country music when one of my favorite songs came on and acted as fuel for my memory. I started thinking about growing up in the same house as Ryan. Some of these are my favorite memories because we were young and innocent and it was these years that I remember living with him most; some of my most fond memories. Once he hit his teen years, we were only living under the same roof off and on.
These lyrics hit me...
"I know they say you can’t go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine
Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar."
When I was younger, Ryan wanted to learn to play the guitar. A few years later, I had a guitar and was getting lessons. Ryan enjoyed taking pictures of nature. A few years later I had my first camera and was taking pictures of anything and everything. Ryan liked a certain band and days later I was blaring the same band in my bedroom, non stop. Ryan wanted to play baseball, and a few days later I was signed up for tee ball. Ryan rode four-wheelers and motorcycles all the time, as most people in our family did up at the cabin, but it wasn't often that you'd see Ryan on his four-wheeler without a little girl on the back, a blonde pony tail sticking out of the helmet, flopping around with every turn and jolt.
At the time Ryan got mad and called me a copy cat and told me to get my own hobbies and interests. As we got older and took different paths, even when he wouldn't admit it, I knew he was secretly so happy when I enjoyed the same things he did. He took pride in the fact that someone like me would want to be anything close to someone like him. He had no idea how much I looked up to him despite how we both acted. I always wanted to be around him.
When we were about 12 we were playing tee ball at the neighbors and my suspenders were broken so I only had one strap latched. As I hit the ball and ran to first base, the second latch busted and my pants fell. As a pre-teen playing with a handful of boys, you can only imagine how mortified I was. Ryan laughed but then he walked me home so that I could change.
We spent hours and hours in the evening playing Jail Break and Capture the Flag with the Theis Boys and Cara Lachat and James Nye. I was always amazed at how talented he was at hiding from people and sneaking around in the dark. I still wonder how we played in the entire neighborhood... it was pretty big. This might explain why the games lasted for hours ;) but the last few times I remember us playing, I'd watch Ryan get all decked out in dark clothing and gloves and camo. He would always let me wear some of his black clothes... a black hat and a black sweatshirt.
“A strange thing is memory, and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow. Memory is history recorded in our brain, memory is a painter, it paints pictures of the past and of the day.”
I fear, every day, that my memory will fail me or that I will run out of memories but they just keep flowing. A good friend and coworker told me that even if you have a not-so-sharp memory, these sorts of things, they always stay with you. We don't forget the things that really matter and the things that are most important to us. They stay with us always.... This meant so much to me because she has faced a similar loss. I don't know many people who have lost a sibling and it can be difficult to get anyone to relate to how you are feeling unless they, too, have experienced something similar. It's just very comforting.
"I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can..."
- Lil Sis
Monday, November 15, 2010
Laying Flowers on Life
Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life.
~Albert Einstein
On Sunday I finally threw away my wilted flowers and I kept my "Brother" ribbon. As I threw them away, I couldn't help but think of the life of a flower, and how it brings so much beauty, even if it is only here a short time. It comes and goes but it's always in the ground, waiting for an opportunity to sprout up and show itself again.
I thought about Ryan a lot today. The pain comes and goes as I'm sure it does for all of us that were close to him, but something that never leaves is the feeling of missing him. I just miss seeing him or getting texts or calls from him, and his big bear hugs that were always followed up by a finger in the ear or a raspberry on the cheek or a burp in the face ;)
I just wonder if he misses us too? Can he? Is it even possible?
I just have a feeling that the holidays are the time when this will all really sink in... I am not even looking forward to them this year. Mom doesn't want to put up Christmas decorations but I think we are going to have a tree and I will make her put up her snowman collection. Ryan would want us to though so we better :) He will be there with us, I'm sure of it.
The pain has started to subside, thankfully, which is assuring. Everyone around me has said that things get better in time and that feeling of absolute despair starts to face. I wanted so badly to believe everyone and for the first month I did not but I think time does heal all wounds, regardless of their complexity.
The only way I could describe the feeling that remains is the feeling of having a hole in my heart, loss mixed with a deep, undying love. I am mentally preparing myself: this hole may never go away. I feel a slight pang in my chest when I think about him or picture his face at times. Maybe someday that pang will be replaced with a different feeling but for now, I am okay with how I am progressing in this process. It's a long one and it won't be easy but I don't want to let Ryan down -- I just know he wants me to be my upbeat, happy, smiling self. Smile on the outside even if I'm crying on the inside.
A man's dying is more the survivors' affair than his own.
~Thomas Mann, The Magic Mountain
In my thoughts always,
Baby Sis
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Little Red.... Headband
Ok so the headband....
If some of you recall, one of my first nights back in Baltimore, I was sitting at my desk and my red headband flew off my head, hit my back (making me turn around to look) and landed halfway across the room on the floor. Anyone who knows me knows that I am such a scaredy cat but when this happened it didn't scare me. It made me laugh.
I told my Aunt Lori and she said "Ryan has been picking on you since you were little... do you think he is going to stop now??" I laughed.
I told my students the headband story and ever since then, they have been asking me if anything else has happened since. So here I sit tonight listening to music peeking around on FB and something flies down from my head, scares the begeezies out of me, and I jumped a little. I thought it was a bug or something! It was the black headband piece that goes near your ear so the headband doesn't hurt your ear. It just dropped out of nowhere on my lap.
I don't know why but Ryan really likes this headband.... maybe because it's red. That's Ryans all-time favorite color. Just a little reminder that he is with me <3 I think he knows it is so tough for me to go through this without any family here. It is hard for everyone, no doubt, but it's got to be easier to be with loved ones during this difficult time. Don't get me wrong; I have some amazing friends and coworkers. But everyone knows that it's just not the same.
This gets me thinking about next year, my future, where I want to be, who I need, who needs me, and what I'm doing with my life. You always hear how life can be turned in an instant but you don't truly believe it until you experience it.
I am finding myself less motivated in certain aspects of life and after talking to a coworker, she said that my experience has taught me that some little things just seem so trivial now... I hope I shake this phase soon. I've always been a go-getter and I just feel my drive come and go. But then again, what feeling doesn't come and go lately?
Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure.
And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven
Goodnight <3
Lil Sis
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
No Warning Sign.... Now
Had a pretty good day and then I checked the mail. I got a card from church, thanking me for my gift in memory of "Ryan Matthew Jasper" and once again, I was smacked in the face. All these little tokens of his memory are supposed to take his place? A small piece of cardboard? The flowers that are withering away on my kitchen table? They should be gone by now but I have not gathered up the courage to throw them away yet. I just don't think I can...
One of my very good friends told me to check out the song "Alibi" by Thirty Seconds to Mars. I am listening to it now and some of the lyrics hit me hard.
"We both could see crystal clear,
That the inevitable end was near..."
Two days prior to the day Ryan took his life, I suffered very intense nightmares, and I was up all night both nights. I tempted to reach out for help but to no avail. Monday morning, the day prior, I sought help with the School Psychologist. I told her some things that were going on and expressed my concerns and fears. While it felt great to get off my chest, she reassured me by saying that all these clues and parts of the puzzle made it sound as though Ryan was asking for people to stop him. This gave me some comfort. I had no idea the downward spiral that would ensue just that very next day.
I know it is natural to feel a pang of guilt if this happens to a loved one but some days this weighs heavy on my chest; so heavy I think it may sink in. People always say go with your gut. I just wish I would have.
"We both could see crystal clear,
That the inevitable end was near
Made our choice, a trial by fire,
To battle is the only way we feel alive..."
Just as the song says, I fall apart and get back up again. Tonight is just one of those nights that makes it so hard to get back up again. But I will.... for him.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
A Little Laughter
The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
~e.e. cummings
Tonight I just wanted to lighten things up a little after last nights' post. I got an overwhelming response from readers which is always nice but at the same time, a lot of tears were falling last night.
Ryan would want everyone to miss him but look back on memories and SMILE, and LAUGH. He was always so funny, making other people laugh, laughing at himself, and doing things to make people laugh at HIM.
Ryan could crack me up more than anyone. This pic was taken this Easter when he put my high heeled shoes on and was running around the living room, making obscene gestures which I'll keep to myself (smile).
We all have to remember the funny times and allow them to bring us peace and smiles. Ryan used it as a coping mechanism at times and I am sure we are all guilty of that. There is nothing wrong with laughing and smiling, even if it's at ourselves.
So many tangles in life are ultimately hopeless that we have no appropriate sword other than laughter.
~Gordon W. Allport
Smile before you fall asleep tonight. I know I will.
<3 Lil Sis
Monday, November 8, 2010
His Last Words
It was a wonderful weekend spent at home and I apologize for leaving my readers with no new treats but here goes....
Friday night, between his sad eyes, deep breaths and falling tears, I watched and listened to Ryan say his last words to me and all his loved ones on different tapes he made.
While I couldn't hold back the tears the first time I watched, the more I watch them the happier I get. It is so wonderful to have these tokens of his love for us, forever. He was sitting up at the cabin with the camera facing him and the sun, delicate rays of light shining through, reassuring me God was with him.
He thanked everyone that has tried to help him over the years, everyone who has supported him through good times and bad. He said there is nothing anyone could have said to change his mind but he was glad to have time recently to spend with his daughters and his family and to spend time at his favorite place -- the cabin.
"Keep setting goals and keep pushing on."
He said he doesn't know where his depression comes from because he has so many blessings but something inside of him won't let him pull out of this rut.
"Be happy to have each other. Don't let this get you down. I know it will but don't let it for too long."
My last wishes are: "stick together, everyone give each other a hug for me." He said he thanks us all for such a wonderful life; so many beautiful memories and happy times. He was so blessed to have such a wonderful family... he said "we have a big family... if I sit here and try to name everybody I might change my mind!" and then he laughed really hard through more tears and wiped his face.
"Family is the most important thing. Friends come and go, people come and go, but your family is always there for you."
In his video to me he said some very heartfelt and wonderful things.... here are a few snidbits.... I don't want to write it all on there. Some is personal.
"This video is for my little sister Lyndsay..... I love you sis. You've helped me so much... you've been like my best friend. No matter how many times I messed up. We had a lot of fun together. I'll never forget the time in Maryland when that girl came over and started yellin' at ya and I maced her. I never saw someone run so fast in flip flops!" He laughed through his tears....
"I've got two beautiful little girls and everytime I look at them they remind me of you. And they are really gonna need their Aunt Lyndsay ya know? And let them know how much I love them... tell them the good things. I want them to know who I was, and you know me better than anybody.... you and Mom."
"I'm not worried about you because....I already know you're gonna be fine. You're strong, you're smart, you're a leader, you're funny.... and someday, somebody is gonna be very luck to have you. You're gonna make a great wife to some lucky guy."
"Watch out for my kids. Give Mom lots of hugs. We've got a WONDERFUL mother."
"I'm just tired. I'm sure you've seen I've changed... I'm not the same person I used to be. I just don't want to hurt anyone anymore."
"Take my lil girls to the park, make sure they date good guys that treat them well."
"I feel like I can't even give you any advice because anything I say you already know" and more laughing...
"You are a wonderful little sister and I thank you, for everything. And um, like I said, out of everyone's videos I am making, I know out of everybody you're gonna be alright because... you just are. You're a freakin' Jasper! But, I love you SO much, and thank you for the good times, thank you for standing by my side and believing in me when other people didn't."
"I love you, and I'll always be by your side. Anytime you need me just look up."
"Don't take anybody for granted ya know I know you don't but see Mom and Dad and Grammy and Poppop as much as you can. I've always said to have a good friend be a good friend. Don't let anyone treat you bad. And remember that I'm always with you. I love you."
He ended it with saying that he was going to take a walk and say some prayers.
How do you say goodbye to people that you love so much, he asked.
Ryan, this is not goodbye. This is "I'll see you again someday." Everytime I look up actually, because you know I always leaned on you over anybody else and that's not going to stop now big bro! Crazy thing is... I know you're there.
<3 Lil Sis
Man I Love Life
Ryan wrote this back in 2007. He tried his best to look for the little things in life to keeep him going and he did a pretty good job of it.
"Man I love life! Really I do and even with as much drama, hard times, and endless struggles that I seem to face day to day, the simplest things remind me of how wonderful life is. I’ve recently heard this song “I Try” many times. I love music and this song is why. It’s deep and every time I hear it, I get chills because I can relate. I love the way a song or so many little things in life can make me feel so alive. So today and every day may be far from perfect but all the little wonderful things, from music, family, and good friends, the way the sky looks as the sun sets, and so much more remind me why life is such a wonderful and beautiful thing…"
By Ryan M Jasper
May 2007
Don't overlook the small stuff... sometimes it's the best stuff.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Smile!
Got this note from a friend and I made the mistake of reading it at 4:30 this morning and I laughed so hard it woke me and got me out of bed, which is sometimes the hardest part of my day, so here I am... wide awake thinking.
November 4, 2010
"I read your one post and you said how you don't think people talk about it because they don't want to burden others. I think you're wrong. It's not a burden, it's a heavy weight to carry, and it sucks, but it sucks because the heavy weight we are carrying is memories, cherished memories. And it's heavy because we're carrying every last memory we can remember. And we're defensive of this, we don't wanna let go, so it hurts to think some things may be forgotten. But that's why I find your blog refreshing, while you may be letting some of that weight go, it's not gone, as others pick up that memory and take it with them as well. I'm happy to see your perspective to your brother, as I know it's completely different from how I knew him. He looked out for you when you weren't even around, I remember him talking to me about you. "I gotta make sure she doesn't do the same things I've done". "If you see her being bad you tell me, I'll talk to her". I'm glad to see your posts. None of my friends knew him, so I can't talk to them about him really, they can't remember what we did. This helps me, seeing how your relationship with him got closer over the years.
I would say keep writing, and don't ever think that it's a burden you're putting on others. You honor Ryan greatly through your words, memories, and thoughts. If you ever just want to talk about him or whatever I'll listen. Because I don't see it as a burden. And he'd want me to be there for his lil sis if she ever needed it. So I am.
Also I remember a time I drove by you on the fourwheeler on top of the mountain, really fast through the mud. May have gotten you muddy..... I just remember this horrid look of death rays being shot at me. Yeah, sorry bout that haha. Smile."
This really made me laugh so hard. And it's probably true! I have been known to give those looks lol!
But this also made me remember something. This particular friend mentioned Ryan never letting me be bad. He never wanted me to make mistakes he had made; so protective. Anyway any of you who know me and know me well, know that I am anti-drug, 100%... none. While I won't judge you if you partake in any (even casually), I just prefer not to and I have my reasons. I meddled with a certain common one twice back in high school (can I get in trouble for this now??? HAHA) and felt nothing. The third time I did and I ended up getting sick and not being able to come home until like 3 or 4 in the morning. My brother came and got me. I remember not only the look on his face but the words he said to me that morning. I knew how much I had disappointed him and it killed me. At the time I wondered why it mattered or why he cared or how he had any room to talk... but now I know. The look I got and the feeling that I had disappointed my big brother was so strong and I'll never forget that morning. I haven't touched a thing since and that was 11th grade............
I make mistakes...big ones, but I never make them twice.
-Mona Lisa Smile
Find a reason to smile each day!!!!!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Come With Me
I found this letter I sent to Ryan in 2007. I was trying to convince him to move down to Maryland with me to have a fresh start. It's kinda cute :)
November 11, 2007
Ryan,
So nice to talk to you today! Thanks for listening about the boy. I think it would be awesome if you would move here. We could get a place together and I would be able to show you all around, introduce you to completely different people. I think you need to get away from the caliber of people that you were with before because
1) look where it got you
2) you’ve been away from everyone so long (not many had rap) so what’s a little more time?
3) It’s a nice place to be on your own
4) It’s close enough to home that you can go home once in a while
5) I’m HERE!
6) It would give you the opportunity to have that “young lifestyle” still – that may not be as accepted in the Port.
7) A fresh start!
8) It’s by the bay!
9) The Naval Academy is here… the Navy has a good football team
10) It’s close to Baltimore – tons of fun!
11) Your rent would be cheaper if you split it with me
12) My gym membership gets reduced if I recruit someone to join!
13) We could buy a boat!
Glad I got a laugh out of ya on the phone. Hey it’s Sunday night so you’ll get this Wednesday I believe… hope you are having a great HUMP day!
I’m coming home Tues or Wed (20th) so how about a visit Saturday the 24th? Let me know. LOVE YOU! Xoxo – Lynds
I always tried to get Ryan on the right path, heading in the right direction. At times my efforts were fruitless, but other times, I would speak and Ryan would really hear me.... really understand what I was saying. Not everyone had that ability with Ryan but I think we were just on the same page and he just got it.
I remember the night he came down to move me from my house in Annapolis to my house in Fed Hill.... we all crashed at my place. Mom and Darrin got a hotel and Bud slept on the couch. Ryan stayed with me in my room. He snored all night!! Like a big baby.
Off to sleep.... I am desperate for it.
Lil Sis
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Meet Me in the Middle
Mom went to see a median tonight. She was right on point for a lot. She then said.... your son.....
The lady held her hand up in front of my Mom's face and said "He's here.... RIGHT now." She talked all about him and his struggles and the love between Mom and Ryan. Then she brought me up. She said... your daughter.... she is well educated. She works with kids but shes continuing her education right now and she wants to do something where she helps people. (Ironically I just blogged this the other day). She said "she needs to just keep going... she's doing well for herself."
She said "Your daughter talks to Ryan each day." She said that he is worried about me; that I don't understand.......
It's supposed to get better. I do fine during the day; then at night I feel like I break down to a million pieces. How is everyone else keeping it together? Is theirs private like mine? I guess it's best. Then you don't burden everyone else with it. I hope I'm not doing that by writing this but it just feels so good to get it all out so if you can't handle reading it or you think those are my intentions I would stop now.
Mom said the cops gave her back the video tapes Ryan made us. He made each of us one...Dad, Anna and the girls, Nana and Poppop, Me, and Mom. Mom's was last so it got cut off but it's ok because Mom knows in her heart what he's saying to her. She was his BEST friend -- never once gave up on him ever. Never turned her back. Never let him fall. She knows....
Mom said my video was the longest and that really tore me up. I asked her how it started and she said Ryan looked at the camera and said...."This is for my little sis...."
I'll watch it this weekend. I can't wait. I cry just thinking about it.
I am glad Ryan hears me talking to him. I just wish he would come wrap his arms around me and hug me all night.
Goodnight. Stay True.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
He Made a Difference
I got this from a good friend of the family today:
Well I'm sure you remember being at the cabin, seems like I was always there. It was 6-7th grade specifically, I remember you were up there more than usual, so I had someone my age to hang out with. Oh and it didn't hurt that Lindsey E was there too, I always really liked her. But I absolutely hated the rest of my life, the cabin was all I enjoyed in life. School was horrid, I had a lot of problems with my family, and I just felt empty. I became so depressed I lost sensation, I couldn't feel physical pain, heat, cold, almost anything.
You and Ryan were literally my only friends, I had others I could hang out with, but I didn't care about them and vice versa. Because of that, I didn't really know how to deal with people or friends well, still have that problem. I remember talking to you in the sun room once, I can't remember too much, but I knew you wanted to help me, and since I'm always so stubborn, you hit a brick wall. One weekend you weren't there, but Julia was, and upon talking to her, she told me that you were praying for me to find help. That has always stuck with me, and meant a great deal.
My depression has always been very deep. It got so bad, and I don't know if I should really get into this due to the nature of it, but here goes... I really was suicidal. I hurt for so long, had almost no one, I wanted my pain to stop. The cabin, your family, but mainly you and your brother was the reason I couldn't. I couldn't take you guys thinking less of me if I had, which I was damn close. I tried to tell you once, I believe it was around New Years. You, Ryan, and even Lindsey E were at the cabin. I don't remember what happened, I may have told you and you didn't believe me, or I chickened out, but right after, I told Julia. Her, Ted and Ashley talked to me about God forgiving me, accepting me, and me pushing through. Afterwards, I gained strength and made it through, still a lot of problems, but I've made a lot of progress.
In plain English, I feel I am here today because of your family. And your kindness was one of the profound reasons I didn't go through with it. I pray that this isn't painful to hear and reopen wounds, it is meant to show you just what you can do. I believe in telling someone what they can and have accomplished to encourage them to move forward. I believe just by being you, you have saved a life, and possibly more than one. I thank you and your family for being who you are, because I consider you family. I pray you can find strength in this. I hope it isn't too hard for you to hear, because I really think you can help others by being an inspiration and a confidant. I miss you guys. Smile, the world's a better place for it.
From Ryan
"If tomorrow starts without me
And I'm not there to see
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today
While thinking of the many things
We didn't get to say
I know how much you love me
As much as I love you
And each time that you think of me
I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
that an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
all those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I'd always thought!
I didn't want to die. I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
it seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all that we shared,
And all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
and maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss some tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity, And all I've promised you."
Today your life on earth is past,
but here life starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, But today will always last,
and since each day is the same way,
There's no longing for the past.
So when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart."
People comment on my strength and wonder how I can even muster up enough to write these. This is helpful and theraputic to me, and it's just as theraputic when others read them. It makes me feel good that they know Ryan, or are getting to know Ryan. Some of my friends from Baltimore that did not even know him, do now. It's an amazing feeling and just as the title of my blog says, this is my way of keeping Ryan with me each day, and alive in my memories and my heart. Thank you for reading.
Monday, November 1, 2010
When I'm Alone....
"But sister you know I'm so weary
And you know sister
My hearts been broken
Sometimes, sometimes
My mind is too strong to carry on
Too strong to carry on
I said brother, you know you know
It's a long road we've been walking on
Brother you know it is, you know it is
Such a long road we've been walking on..."
-Alexi Murdoch, "Orange Sky"
I am ok until I am alone and my mind immediately turns to you. To see your face in pictures... I thought the pain would start to fade. No such luck yet. Late at night it's the worse... as well as Sunday nights/Monday mornings.
My Dad must have known something was up this morning. He sent me a text that said "Have a good day Lynds - love ya!" and normally I respond right away because I'm getting ready or driving to work, but this morning I did not respond. I couldn't sleep last night so I slept in a little and got permission ahead of time to go into work a little late since I have no class first period. He followed it up with a text that said "Are you ok?" and then I said "Yea I'm ok but I'm going into work late..." and he goes "I thought so." I said "How did you know?" and he said "Sunday nights are rough..." True story.
Now I am carrying some more weight. I worry about someone in particular; my Mom. Anna and the girls are out now and I know she misses having people at the house, the hustle and the bustle. Please say some prayers for her because she is not taking it well and she needs visitors to make her smile and laugh!!!! My Mom has a heart of gold and loves doing things for people; I don't want that to change.
Speaking of, I've had two people come to me about serious advice. Both of these young ladies chose to come to me out of all the people in their lives and I think that speaks volumes. I love teaching for right now but I think someday I am going to want to put all this energy and experience into something a little more personal. Not necessarily a psychologist but something... where I can help people each day. To realize that life is not always perfect but it is a gift. It is precious. It is not easy and there are ups and downs but such is life. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Fall down 7 times get up 8. The longest staircase starts with the first step. I know Ryan would want me to.
I think God has big plans for me. I'm curious to see what they are. But no matter what I do, I know Ryan will be right there with me. Holding my hand....
"When I am alone
When I've thrown off the weight of this crazy stone
When I've lost all care for the things I own
That's when I miss you, that's when I miss you, that's when I miss you
You who are my home..."
-Alexi Murdoch, "Orange Sky"
Goodnight big bro,
Lynds
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Lyndsay's Last Letter to Ryan
Dear Ry-Pie,
It’s Lin-seed, your baby sis. I have so much on my mind and I cannot stop thinking about you and how I would give anything for one more big bear hug from you. Although I don’t even know where to begin, I’d like to start by saying… THANK YOU. You have always been so protective of me. You picked me up when I was down, stood up for me, offered to drive 3 hours to Baltimore in the middle of night when I was in need, and you never once turned your back on me. You taught me to stand up for myself, to not let anyone take advantage of me, and you taught me every road not to take in life. I owe the way my life has turned out so far to you. Despite the decisions you have made over the years, you never let me come even close to going off the beaten path. For that, I am forever indebted to you.
I have spent hours and hours these past three or four days running memories through my mind, smiling about them, laughing about them, crying about them, questioning, and I’d just like to recall a few of my favorite memories:
One of my earliest memories of you is from about age 4, when I used to sneak into your bedroom at night because I was scared to sleep alone. I would tip toe across the hall as quietly as could be and sometimes I got caught but sometimes I didn’t. The nights that I didn’t, I thought you would kick me out but you told me that there were alligators under the bed that would get me if I tried to leave. Secretly, I knew that you just really wanted me to stay with you because you didn’t want to be alone either.
Another memory is when you taught me to ski in 9th grade at Ski Sawmill. I’m not sure if I credit my teaching skills to you because to teach me to ski, you took me to the very top of the hill “just to look around” and then you gave me a nice, solid push down the hill. I may have screamed at the top of my lungs the entire ride down the hill, but by the end of the day I was officially a skier.
You were always teaching me something, whether it was how to say a bad word, how to sneak into the cookie cabinet without mom and dad hearing, or the time when you decided to teach me how to give people the bird at the age of five. This became my infamous hand gesture, and as innocent as I was, I had no clue in the world what my gesture was actually suggesting. I always gave the bird with a huge smile.
One other memory I have is when I turned 23 and you wanted to buy me a tattoo for my birthday. I was a little apprehensive because tattoos are so permanent, and taste changes every few years, so I pondered for days prior to the big day, asking myself what could I possibly get that would never change… my relationship with you. That day in the tattoo parlor I was scared as anything and you laughed with me and held my hand and taped me, of course, and when I looked down and it was over, the symbol for “little sister” was branded on my foot forever. You went next and got “big brother” and I felt so special to you in that moment. Special enough that you wanted me even closer to you than I already was, a symbol that lasts forever and can never be erased. I will look down at that every day and smile.
Ryan loved his family more than anything in this world. Even though he was not always around, he never missed a birthday, holiday, or “just thinking of you” moment. He loved having dinners with his family for birthdays, and his favorite place in this world was Poppop Palmer’s cabin. Poppop would drive Ryan and me up to his cabin in Canton, PA almost every weekend when we were growing up. He would let us ride in the very back of his pick up truck with the dogs. This would be unheard of in this day and age but we had no worries in the world up there. Ryan also loved going to Seaside Park, NJ where Poppop Palmer had a beautiful house right on the bay. We would collect seashells on the beach during the day, then bring them home and paint them and sell them on the side of the street. With all the money he made, he would always buy something for everyone, or take me to get an ice cream cone. He was an entrepreneur even at the age of 10.
Ryan has been away off and on and for years, but everything happens for a reason, and if he hadn’t, I wouldn’t have bags and bags of letters that we wrote to each other over the past ten years. I have tokens of his love, concern, thoughts, worries, fears, passions, desires, and hopes for the future all tucked away, written in his own handwriting, letters and words that form pieces of his heart and mind that I will treasure forever. When Ryan was away and I would go visit him, we would laugh and laugh, talk about girls, eat, talk about girls some more, reminisce on good times, and talk about girls some more. Ryan was a magnet for all sorts of people over the years, but there is one that had his heart from the beginning.
Anna. Anna is one of the sweetest and caring mothers, friends, girlfriend, daughter, and sister that anyone could ask for. She was Ryan’s rock and she tried with all her might to keep Ryan grounded. Her strength in this difficult time is admirable, and she is a part of our family now more than ever, and always will be. Anna, thank you for showing my brother what true love is on his short time here on earth. The two of you had a unique love, and a love that created two of the most important things in my life: Jewelana and Lydia. I will see Ryan every time I look into either one of their eyes and that gives me a sense of peace and thankfulness. Our family could not have asked for two better gifts than these two angels to remind us of Ryan each and every day.
Now, Ryan was a rebel even as a child. He would jump out of his crib and my Mom and Dad would find him in the living room eating Cheerio’s and watching TV. He never did his spelling homework and he bribed me to do it for him in exchange for letting me borrow his Sublime tape. This may or may not have contributed to me becoming an English teacher, but it might have something to do with Ryan asking me how to spell things all the time (smile). He got his sense of humor from my Dad, and it never left him.
Ryan, you may not have always made the best decisions in this life but you took pride in being yourself, being true, and being real, even if it wasn’t the best way to be in everyone else’s eyes. For that, you are my hero. E.E. Cummings once wrote, “To be yourself in a world that’s doing its best to make you somebody else is to fight the hardest battles you are ever going to find.” You fought until the very end; you never stopped fighting for what you believed in.
I’m sure there will be good days and bad for me, but not a day will go by that I don’t see Ryan’s face in my memory, his big smile that could light up an entire room, his crazy antics and unpredictability that always kept everyone on their toes, and his heart that is by far the biggest heart of a man that you will ever meet. He got this heart from his Mommy and Dad, who would have done anything for him. They were both there for him from the minute he was born, to the moment that he took his last breath. Their love for him is undying and true, a love not all will ever understand, but a love that helped Ryan have the best life he could despite given circumstances.
We all lost a loyal companion this week. God better get prepared because he has one hell of an angel joining his crew up there. I’m sure he will be up there looking down on us each day and night, laughing, and watching his two beautiful baby girls grow up, without ever forgetting their Daddy.
One of Ryan’s last requests was for people to see that he really was a good hearted person and would do anything for anyone in this world. I hope that by hearing these thoughts and memories, you see that Ryan was no monster. He was a young man that would sacrifice anything for the people he loved most, no matter how many times they turned away from him. A man with a heart of gold. This week I not only lost a brother, but a best friend. Ryan and I shared a very unique bond that no one will ever understand except him and I. The love I have for my brother will never fade, never be replaced; he will always be my big bro and I will always be his baby sis.
Ryan, you always said to people “This is Lyndsay, my baby sis, that’s my heart right there.” That’s where I plan to keep you forever big bro, in each little piece of my broken heart.
Love you always, Your baby sis, Lynds
Anna's Last Letter to Ryan
Ryan Matthew,
Throughout the years you have given me the most memorable moments of my life. From dancing in the Steamtown mall parking deck to the song “time of my life” to the births of our two beautiful daughters, those moments were made possible because of you!
You have taught me to believe in myself, stand up for what I believe in, not care what other people think, and you’ve made me stronger than I ever knew I could be.
We had our highs and lows, ups and downs, laughs and cries, but through it all we always stuck by each other. We shared a deep love that only some dream of having.
You always found a way to make me laugh, whether it be a cute dance, funny joke, or saying something embarrassing in front of a crowd of people. You always found a way to put a smile on my face.
In one year (51 weeks to be exact), we were blessed with two miracles of life, our daughters Jewelana Rhian and Lydia Grace, both of which look just like you, especially Jewelana. You were her best bud. Every time she saw you, her eyes lit up like kaleidoscopes. And Lydia, although she didn’t get to spend as much time with you, will never question who her daddy really was because I will ensure her that you were loving, caring, generous, adventurous, affectionate, and spontaneous.
I hope you always know that the babies and I love you very much and will be thinking of you often. We know that although you are no longer physically here, your spirit remains and you will continue to love and watch over us. Until our family is together again in heaven, thank you, Ryan Matthew, for truly giving me the time of my life.
Love always,
Anna
Mom's Last Letter to Ryan
Dear Ryan, From your Mom,
Ryan, I know you are here, I can feel you. I am not going to say good –bye because you are with me always. I learned to do this because we spent so much time apart. We would both be looking at the moon while we were talking on the phone. I will always think of you when I look at the moon.
Ryan means “Little King”, and that, you were. When you were a little boy, you would bring me yellow dandelions and your little nose would be all yellow from sniffing them so much. Last week you gave me a big yellow mum with a big smile on your face. I could see the pain behind that smile, and I know how you tried to overcome the feelings of sadness in your heart, but those beautiful blue eyes and big smile and hugs is what I will always remember the most. I know that you are in heaven, sitting with Jesus and making plans on how you will help others from Heaven, because that is what you did best. Help others.
I remember when you were 12, and we were in Baltimore when you gave your last dollar to a homeless man. And once when you were away, you used your snack money to buy an old man a pair of sneakers because he didn’t have shoes. I remember at our yard sale when the skinny mom and her two boys only had 10.00 dollars and they needed sneakers for school, and I watched you look at their faces of disappointment as they walked away after she told them she didn’t have enough money. I knew before you did it, what you were going to do. Remember how happy they were with Brand new sneakers. You were truly a little king.
You know that Darrin loved you so much, like the son he never had. He will be yelling “Spring Break !!“ from the boat everytime we go up the river in your memory !! Please know that we are sad, but will carry on for you, and your family like you asked us to. Thank you for being a wonderful son, and thank you for giving us two beautiful blue eyes girls who will be treasured forever.
Everyday was an adventure with you, and Thank you for being such a neat person. We surely had our ups and downs, but I stood by you no matter want, and I will stand by you to the day I come and join you in heaven. I am so thankful that our family now has the best guardian angel anyone could ask for. I love you and will be talking to you in my prayers every day.
This song is for you Ryan. “If I die young”
Love you, Mom
Dad's Last Letter to Ryan
To my loving son Ryan,
On the afternoon of October 12, as your Mom and I sat on an old trailer behind my office trying to come to grasps with what has just happened to our only son, a sense of calmness came over me that I have never experienced. The calm was so real and all the pain that was so intense in my heart as well as my physical pain was suddenly gone. As I sat there trying to comprehend how this could be I looked over at your Mom - I could literally see by the expression on her face that I didn't even need to ask -- her pain had also suddenly stopped. Although this experience of peace and calm only lasted momentarily - I realized that this was your way of letting us know that you were finally at peace.
Very few people could ever understand the special bond that a father and son develop when that son has experienced so much turmoil and surely the pain that goes with it. I realize now that the love is so exceptionally deep because of a parents duty to love, protect, and shelter their children from any pain that they could experience. I also have come to realize that as a parent who is instinctively trying to shelter that child from any pain -- that we actually try to take the pain ourselves and even though it never can be accomplished -- we know that by sharing that pain we are at least helping them bear that burden.
I know that our family has a long road ahead of us and the heartache and sorrow we feel today will never go away, I do realize that just knowing you are at peace, will help us all get thru this. Although it's one of those things that we never really talked about - the way you always made me feel like the greatest father in the world is one of the most precious gifts you could ever have given me. Thank you Ryan for letting us know that you are happy where you are and eventually someday I will be able to share that peace and calm that you now have. I love you Ryan.
Dad
October 2006
This morning I found this letter I wrote to Ryan in 2006...
Ryan,
I’m really sorry about what happened tonight. I feel really bad and I am worried about you but I will say a few prayers that you are ok. I know I won’t be able to sleep tonight cause I do worry too much. That’s probably why I wrote that poem, cause I always think about stuff before I fall asleep.
Regardless of all that, I have faith in you that you handled it all ok when you were confronted and I’m hoping everything is ok. I hate this, I just want you to come home! It’s so hard leaving there and leaving you there. I know it is ten times harder for you, since you stay there, but it is a feeling that I cannot even describe. I hate it though. And the hardest part is, I can’t really talk to any of my friends about it because none of them understand. I just want you to come home so badly and I get so scared thinking about people that might try to mess with you when you get out or instigate shit. I can’t even imagine what would happen if you had to go back there. I guess I just need to stop thinking like that and just be positive, and have FAITH in you that you are a different person. You are so smart and I know you have learned your lesson and you’re looking forward to starting your life over and maybe then I will stop worrying.
My friend is on medication for excessive worrying – maybe I should ask my doctor about it. Anyways please call Mom soon and let her know if everything is ok or not ok!! Anyways I’m going to try to get some sleep. It was a nice visit today and I hope you enjoyed yourself and are proud of yourself!!!
Love you as much as I love Reese Peanut Butter Cups
<3 Lynds
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Weekend Phone Calls
I got the most beautiful card from my best friend Megan today. It was perfect. After reading her words, so many memories rushed back to me.
"Lynds,
Words cannot express the sorrow I feel for you and your family. Ryan was like a big brother to me. While I may not have been that close to him, what I did know of him I knew him through you. When I first met you Ryan was not around. However, I came to know him through stories, memories, and photos. I remember you telling me stories on how he used to call you names which drove you nuts :P I remember hanging out in his room and you showing me all the lil things that defined him. I remember lying in your room on weekend mornings reading letters he had written or talking to him on the phone.
I remember how we would talk to him Friday or Saturday nights before going out and he would always say to me "look out for my lil sis." Even though he was not physically around he was still looking out for you. What I am trying to say Lynds, is that I came to know and love Ryan through you; through your memories and stories of him. So while he may not be with us now he will live through you and people who know you will come to know and love Ryan.
Those girls could not have asked for a better person than yourself to carry on his memory. I know times are hard now and it will take time before you can adjust, but I know Ryan is with God now and he has a smile on his face because he is finally at peace. He has no pressure from the world around him. He is with us every day and is up there watching over us all! Love always, Meg"
She's right. Back when I was in college he'd call me almost every Friday night before I went out, gave me the father-daughter speech "Be careful, don't drink too much, don't drink and drive!"
and then Saturday or Sunday mornings he would call and see how my weekends were. <3 Surely going to miss that.
Thanks for the memory Meg!
Meet in My Dreams
I just had a dream about Ryan. I'm pretty sure this was the first one so I need to write it down before I forget.
In my dream, everyone had already heard the news. We were all up at the cabin together, for New Years Eve.
First I walked by a bedroom and saw Ryan laying in bed and Nana with him, just crying and crying, holding him. She was holding and kissing his face. Nana left and I noticed he was breathing! I even heard him snoring a little (hahA). I ran down to tell my Mom that he was actually alive... and snoring!
Then he was downstairs out on the sun porch, laying on the couch. I was hugging and hugging him. When I hugged him for the first time, I just started crying so hard. I knew that he knew how sad I was we lost him by how hard I was crying, and he hugged me tighter.
All I remember next was him getting up off the couch first to help me up. He stood over me, lifting me off the couch, and told me to do some sit ups!!! Hahaha :) I guess that's when my alarm went off.
It was very nice to see him!
Now, onto reality.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Out with the Old
Tonight I had to go through all my voicemail and get rid of some old ones because my inbox was full. The first message was from my Grandfather that I always keep saved. The next one was from Ryan...
He had called me one of his first nights home a few weeks ago around 3am.... just sobbing and crying. I was asleep and didn't get the call and oh how I wish I would have. In between his tears I heard.... "Lynds....I just need someone to talk to....give me a call back when you get this."
I called him the next morning and he was just so overwhelmed. I tried to calm him down and tell him to take it one day at a time. I reminded him that he had so many people around him that not only loved him but would be there to take care of his lil pumpkins while he was gone.
But I could hear it in his voice. He was in over his head. There was nothing I could say that could ease up his stress. He couldn't imagine having to say goodbye to Nana and Poppop before he left. He just didn't want to go through with any of it.
The next few messages were family members telling me to say prayers for him, the few days prior. Nana said "that poor kid... so mixed up." That's exactly the words for it. I just don't understand... he was raised in the same family as me, brought up the same way, but we lived totally different lives. If I could start over I'd trade him, just so he could have had some more peace.
But ya know what... let me flip this right now for all my readers -- all 3 of you ;) Ryan had a lot of fun in his life. Maybe a little too much? Hehe. One of his good friends wrote to me tonight and said he remembered a time when Ryan mooned him and was like "Isn't my butt cute?!?!" haha :) That's so him.
Just a quick memory from when we were young... Ryan and I had this one particular godawful babysitter when we were younger whom shall remain unnamed. Anyway Ryan was being bad (imagine that!) and he got put in the corner. I am going to guess I was about 7 and he was about 11. So this chick made him stand in the corner for an hour! I was so mad that she was being so mean. Since I wasn't aware of "Children and Youth" at that point in my young life, I decided to do what any lil sister would do: I rebelled in defense of my big brother. I jumped out my bedroom window on the first floor.
This was my version of "running away" and we can all assume why I knew what "running away" was at that age. After I made the plunge and walked around for a while, I heard "unnamed psycho sitter" yelling for me, freaking out when she ran into my room and saw my window open and a little blonde girl walking down the driveway.
She finally convinced me to come back inside and was so shocked, distracted and appauled by my performance that Ryan was in the clear. The only other thing I remember about that day is this chick thought she could entertain me by jumping in the air pretending she was Barney. I don't think she lasted much longer...
Pretty sure I know who taught me to stick up for the people I care about.
<3 Lil sis
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
After the rain...
Today was a step up from yesterday. Kind of a numb day. I had a good talk with Mrs. Thomas this morning and I told her some things I haven't told anyone else yet. Just feelings and thoughts I've been running over and over in my head. Woulda coulda shouldas.
I found a letter from Ryan dated May 6, 2009. It was a birthday letter to me. His letter was bursting with excitement because of baby J on the way :) He talked about wanting nothing more than being there when his baby girl was born. I could hear the eagerness and excitement in his words. "A baby changes everything; it's a feeling like no other <3" he wrote.
He signed it with his infamous message to me, as usual, "drive safe baby sis, love ya!"
Love always, Your big bro
Ryan didn't have a ton of things that made him feel proud but at the top, surely, was being a big bro, and being a Daddy....
I'm really tired. Time to get some sleep. Maybe tonight I won't wake up each hour, and open my eyes, hoping to see a familiar face peering through the darkness.
Signed,
Lil Sis
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sinking........ in.
Today was one of the hardest days yet. How is this possible? I am working backwards here.
The posts and cards have started to stop. I am SO thankful for all the support of my friends and family, the texts, calls, comments, messages, etc. Everyone says I am such a strong person and that they hope I'll lean on my friends at this time and I can proudly say I have some pretty amazing and awesome people to lean on. So thankful.
But this morning, driving to work.... I think it FINALLY hit me. I'm not just here in MD with Ryan in PA. It hit me that he is gone. I will never get to see him again.
I am starting to get mad. Mad at him for leaving me. Mad at myself for not calling toward the end. I was just so afraid to hear what he would say because I knew............
I got a letter from one of his good friends today. It kinda tore me up...
"I want you to know that he truly loved his "Lil sis" and he would lay down his life in the blink of an eye for you! Pinky what I think he would want you to do, is dry your eyes, and help to raise those "two little princess daughters" he has unfortunately left behind. By keeping his memory alive with them both as they each grow. You do this by keep telling them just how much their father happened to love them, as well as tell them stories about you and him when ya'll were younger! Also, the same goes for yourself.... whenever you're feeling low plus questioning yourself wondering how plus why could he do such a tragic thing to himself, just stop and think/remember all of the good things about him, or the fun times you shared."
Had a complete breakdown at school after reading this. I can't stop picturing him sitting in that car... and now wishing it was me.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Ryan's Shout Outs in 2007
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Shout Outs!
A few of my relationships have fallen apart and others have grown only stronger...
Shout out to my baby sister Lyndsay! I am soo proud of you Sis! We've only become so much closer and I'm lucky to have such a cool sister. Must be she takes after her big bro :) I'm proud of all you've done in college and now being out on your own. I can't thank you enough for all you've done and being someone I can always count on and talk to. I love you, Sis!
Shout out to Mom-Dukes! My Mom is the best... she has been my support system, my best friend, and has helped me to always look at the good in things and always push for the bestter in my life. Thank you for everything, Mom. I'm the person I am today much because of the things you taught me, all the good stuff anyway :)
Shout out to my Dad for never being easy on me and making me the strong person I am today.
Shout out to Mom-Dukes! My Mom is the best... she has been my support system, my best friend, and has helped me to always look at the good in things and always push for the bestter in my life. Thank you for everything, Mom. I'm the person I am today much because of the things you taught me, all the good stuff anyway :)
Shout out to my Dad for never being easy on me and making me the strong person I am today.
My Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, stepfather, and the whole family. I love and miss everyone and thank you for all of your love!
To all my real friends: MUCH LOVE! Thanks to Troy Winner and Yancy Cupp - you guys are my true bros. Shout outs to Cat B., Ashley M., Pat H., Ally W., Nicki J., Greg G., Jon R., Bobby N., Eric S., Bud W., Brad S., Corey G., Cory & Jay Kilheeney, Melissa S., Steph S., and all my other friends.
Also shout out to my homies on lockdown: Joe J. up at Houtzdale, Chris Hanson, Josh Sheeler, and Griff at Retreat... stay up Bros!
Big shout out to my old celly Steve Morse, who's home now!
RIP Matt Kratz, Lance R., and Mark S. Always remember our fallen brothers.
Amber, I miss you and wish you the best. You've always been one of my best friends. Through thick and thin, ups and downs, no distance or time can erase the history we have. Ladies is Pimps, too. Smile! :]
Shout out to everyone else who's been ride-n with The Kid! You know who you are... never forgotten, much love!
To all those cats who act like they forgot about The Kid, hey... your loss. I'll be home soon shine-n as always. So don't walk up to me like you didn't know where I was. I got no rap. Ya'll know The Kids been on lockdown, you've got my address, so holla at ya boy! Cats talking about they busy - I can understand that but are you telling me over 4 years go by and you've got no time to drop the kid a few lines? Ya'll sure had time to always be at my house every weekend.
When will it stop hurting? The more I find, the more it hurts.
Never forget
One of my fears is that I'll start to forget. Probably not now, but 10 years down the road I want all the memories to remain just as strong in my mind. By sharing my stories and memories, Ryan can live each day.
On Friday I told my students the story of Ryan's visit to Annapolis and how the night eventually led to Me, Ryan, Bud, and Zelezen running as fast as we could from these huge guys. Long story but my kids laughed and laughed when they heard the story. There was never a dull moment with my brother and he lived 100 years in his 29 years. It puts me at ease recalling times when Ryan said he did so many things in his short life, things that others don't even experience over an entire lifetime. Ryan got the most out of his life and I honestly don't think we should look at it as being cut short.
I'm looking at this pic I just found of Ryan in the basement playing on his slot machine. I remember this night as if it were yesterday. I came home from Baltimore from the weekend and Ryan and I spent hours working on his myspace page, adding pictures and quotes and information about him. He was playing with the slot machine and its' crazy, zany carnival-sounding music like a big dork :-P I taped him and was laughing SO HARD. He was always a trip. Bopping his head all around. Wearing his college shirt I got him. I gave it to him because one time I went to visit him he leaned over and looked at me so sincere and said "So how's scollage?!!?" I said you mean college?!?! Haha. A few years later telling this story I spit out the hot chocolate in my mouth.
I have so many fun and funny memories with Ryan. I never want to forget. They say that the heart that truly loves never forgets.
Thinking of him,
Lynds
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Bedtime
Last night I was sitting at my desk checking email and browsing on facebook before bed when my headband flew off my head onto the floor. I had to laugh because that's never happened to me before and I wondered why it did; then I smiled.
When I got into bed I turned my radio on because complete silence can do a number on my imagination. Before I turned it on I just asked Ryan to make it a good one... and "If I Die Young" came on, which is our song for Ryan now. I smiled again and fell right asleep.
And wow, as I'm sitting here typing guess what song just came on? I have goosebumps. Ryan is here with me. I wonder if he's tired from running back and forth from PA to MD? You can call it a coincidence... I'll call it a special visit. =)
I just found out that the band "Band Perry" who sings that song is a girl and her two brothers, so that makes it even more special.
Missing him
Lynds
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Change, change, read all about it.
Each passing day gets a little less painful. Tonight I read a great letter written in Ryan's defense to the newspaper.
Here it is:
"This is the second letter I am writing to the Sungazette on this matter…I am hoping the other one just got lost in cyberspace. On Saturday October 16, 2010 I had the pain as many others did to walk through the receiving line at a Memorial Service for Ryan Matthew Jasper. As I walked through that line and embraced his Grandparents, Mother, Father, Sister, Step-Father, and loving fiancĂ© I couldn’t help but think back to last Thursdays newspaper where Ryan’s privacy was violated, the truth was altered, and his monumental time on this earth was degraded and disrespected by words. As I sat there and looked around the funeral home at the amount of tears, heartache, and sorrow that filled that room, actually the whole building, I became angry at the newspaper itself for allowing a release of an article that disgraced the front page, and I felt pain for his family who had just endured the most painful loss of their lives. I ask myself where the compassion went for another human. When do we say enough is enough and stop trying to beat down someone, disgrace them, or humiliate them? When do we start turning to the person next to us and simply saying, sorry? When do we as a community stop hitting the person when they are down? What happened to the Golden Rule? What happened to treating people as we would want to be treated? I know as a friend and ex-employee of Ryan…he did that. He helped everyone around him who needed it. It didn’t matter what color you were, whether you drove a Harley, Mercedes, rode the bus, or had a car at all. It didn’t matter to him at all. I know why it didn’t matter to him, because he had compassion for other people, he cared how that person would feel after they walked away from him. Ryan lived the Golden Rule! He might not have lived a perfect life, we ALL have our problems; but that doesn’t mean or give anyone the right to kick someone when they are down. So when you read this article I hope that you think of that incredible smile that stared back at you from his obituary, because that is the one he would have showed you! RIP Ryan! We love you and miss you always!"
Thank you Monique!
After reading this, she is so right. Ryan didn't care about how many friends a person had, what kind of clothes people wore, or what others thought of him. How many times do we judge people based on these things on a daily basis? No one is perfect but I encourage all of you, myself included, to let people be themselves without judging them constantly. Show compassion and reach out to those around you whenever you can. Don't beat someone when they're down. Instead, help pick them up off the ground. We never know when all someone needs is an extra hand.
Goodnight. I am off to say my prayers and tell Ryan about my day.
Nighty night,
Lynds
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