A Safe Place

I have no words tonight. Walked home tonight from dinner with a friend and all I could think about was you. I guess I am just having an off night. The tears are coming easy tonight. Whenever I hear you have graced us with your presence, I get so emotional.

Mom and Anna were at a store tonight and my little cousin Rosie was with them. She is very, very sensitive to things and she can sometimes sense things. She has a special gift. She said there was bright white light walking behind them, and then when Anna tried a coat on, Ryan wrapped his arms around her. We can all believe what we want but I believe he is around. I feel his presence.

Instead of talking, I'll just post the poem I wrote him 3 years ago when he was away. Some of you have already read it but, it never hurts to revisit things.

A Safe Place
To Ryan from Lyndsay
Christmas 2007

1981
Beautiful baby boy enters the world
A little mischievous, a little unsure
Staring out into the great unknown
Wondering if this is the place he'll always call home

1985
A little girl arrives in the middle of May
Much to the little boys' dismay
Competing for the love and affection of Mom and Dad
No one knew the affect this would someday have

1988
At times, being a big brother wasn't such a bad thing
He taught her new words and also how to sing
She held his hand and he lead the way
She trusted everything he did and everything he would say

1991
Every night she snuck through his door
Only to be caught when her footsteps reached the creaky wooden floor
He tells her alligators are under the bed to scare her away
But really, she knows he just wants her to stay

1994
She helps him with his spelling words each night
But that doesn't matter – they still fight
Things got rough; they avoid each other
Sounds kind of like their Father and Mother

1996
At school today, he got in a fight
A knock on the door, on goes the light
Teacher comes to the house for a meeting
She's hoping and praying this doesn't result in a beating

1997
She hides in her room with the music up loud
Studies hard to make her parents proud
Doesn't want to head down the wrong path
It's been done before – she's seen the aftermath

1999
He's out on the street all alone
She wishes he would just come home
If only they could get along
The road ahead wouldn't seem so long

2001
Happy 16th – here's a car!
Keep up the good work, you'll go far!
So much pressure for the shoulders of one
He thought her life was all games and fun

2003
She walks up to get her diploma
All dressed up in her cap and gown
Looks up to the bleachers
But he's nowhere to be found

2005
He's still up state behind the cold bars
She's lost her first love – nothing but heartache and scars
He has a girl who cannot speak
Her love had faded; their bond grew weak

2007
Similar outfit, her cap and gown
Looks up into the bleachers – he's still out of town
She hears the words projecting from the speaker say
"Let's pay a minute of respect for those who couldn't make it today."

2007
It's his turn to shine; it's finally his turn!
In his cap and gown, because of all that he's learned
Yeah he was knocked over but never fell down
Picked up his life and got up off the ground

When she thinks back on all the times he couldn't be there
It makes her realize that life isn't always fair
But everything she thought he missed
He never really missed at all
He was there with her for it all
Tucked up inside a little ball
Inside a safe place inside her heart
Because that's where he's been, ever since the start.
-Lyndsay M. Jasper

November 2007

I miss you big bro, with all my empty heart.
-Lil Sis