Sinking........ in.

Today was one of the hardest days yet. How is this possible? I am working backwards here.

The posts and cards have started to stop. I am SO thankful for all the support of my friends and family, the texts, calls, comments, messages, etc. Everyone says I am such a strong person and that they hope I'll lean on my friends at this time and I can proudly say I have some pretty amazing and awesome people to lean on. So thankful.

But this morning, driving to work.... I think it FINALLY hit me. I'm not just here in MD with Ryan in PA. It hit me that he is gone. I will never get to see him again.

I am starting to get mad. Mad at him for leaving me. Mad at myself for not calling toward the end. I was just so afraid to hear what he would say because I knew............

I got a letter from one of his good friends today. It kinda tore me up...
"I want you to know that he truly loved his "Lil sis" and he would lay down his life in the blink of an eye for you! Pinky what I think he would want you to do, is dry your eyes, and help to raise those "two little princess daughters" he has unfortunately left behind. By keeping his memory alive with them both as they each grow. You do this by keep telling them just how much their father happened to love them, as well as tell them stories about you and him when ya'll were younger! Also, the same goes for yourself.... whenever you're feeling low plus questioning yourself wondering how plus why could he do such a tragic thing to himself, just stop and think/remember all of the good things about him, or the fun times you shared."

Had a complete breakdown at school after reading this. I can't stop picturing him sitting in that car... and now wishing it was me.