Dad's Last Letter to Ryan

To my loving son Ryan,

On the afternoon of October 12, as your Mom and I sat on an old trailer behind my office trying to come to grasps with what has just happened to our only son, a sense of calmness came over me that I have never experienced. The calm was so real and all the pain that was so intense in my heart as well as my physical pain was suddenly gone. As I sat there trying to comprehend how this could be I looked over at your Mom - I could literally see by the expression on her face that I didn't even need to ask -- her pain had also suddenly stopped. Although this experience of peace and calm only lasted momentarily - I realized that this was your way of letting us know that you were finally at peace.

Very few people could ever understand the special bond that a father and son develop when that son has experienced so much turmoil and surely the pain that goes with it. I realize now that the love is so exceptionally deep because of a parents duty to love, protect, and shelter their children from any pain that they could experience. I also have come to realize that as a parent who is instinctively trying to shelter that child from any pain -- that we actually try to take the pain ourselves and even though it never can be accomplished -- we know that by sharing that pain we are at least helping them bear that burden.

I know that our family has a long road ahead of us and the heartache and sorrow we feel today will never go away, I do realize that just knowing you are at peace, will help us all get thru this. Although it's one of those things that we never really talked about - the way you always made me feel like the greatest father in the world is one of the most precious gifts you could ever have given me. Thank you Ryan for letting us know that you are happy where you are and eventually someday I will be able to share that peace and calm that you now have. I love you Ryan.

Dad