Laying Flowers on Life

Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life.
~Albert Einstein

On Sunday I finally threw away my wilted flowers and I kept my "Brother" ribbon. As I threw them away, I couldn't help but think of the life of a flower, and how it brings so much beauty, even if it is only here a short time. It comes and goes but it's always in the ground, waiting for an opportunity to sprout up and show itself again.


I thought about Ryan a lot today. The pain comes and goes as I'm sure it does for all of us that were close to him, but something that never leaves is the feeling of missing him. I just miss seeing him or getting texts or calls from him, and his big bear hugs that were always followed up by a finger in the ear or a raspberry on the cheek or a burp in the face ;)

I just wonder if he misses us too? Can he? Is it even possible?

I just have a feeling that the holidays are the time when this will all really sink in... I am not even looking forward to them this year. Mom doesn't want to put up Christmas decorations but I think we are going to have a tree and I will make her put up her snowman collection. Ryan would want us to though so we better :) He will be there with us, I'm sure of it.

The pain has started to subside, thankfully, which is assuring. Everyone around me has said that things get better in time and that feeling of absolute despair starts to face. I wanted so badly to believe everyone and for the first month I did not but I think time does heal all wounds, regardless of their complexity.

The only way I could describe the feeling that remains is the feeling of having a hole in my heart, loss mixed with a deep, undying love. I am mentally preparing myself: this hole may never go away. I feel a slight pang in my chest when I think about him or picture his face at times. Maybe someday that pang will be replaced with a different feeling but for now, I am okay with how I am progressing in this process. It's a long one and it won't be easy but I don't want to let Ryan down -- I just know he wants me to be my upbeat, happy, smiling self. Smile on the outside even if I'm crying on the inside.

A man's dying is more the survivors' affair than his own.
~Thomas Mann, The Magic Mountain


In my thoughts always,
Baby Sis