I got the most beautiful card from my best friend Megan today. It was perfect. After reading her words, so many memories rushed back to me.
"Lynds,
Words cannot express the sorrow I feel for you and your family. Ryan was like a big brother to me. While I may not have been that close to him, what I did know of him I knew him through you. When I first met you Ryan was not around. However, I came to know him through stories, memories, and photos. I remember you telling me stories on how he used to call you names which drove you nuts :P I remember hanging out in his room and you showing me all the lil things that defined him. I remember lying in your room on weekend mornings reading letters he had written or talking to him on the phone.
I remember how we would talk to him Friday or Saturday nights before going out and he would always say to me "look out for my lil sis." Even though he was not physically around he was still looking out for you. What I am trying to say Lynds, is that I came to know and love Ryan through you; through your memories and stories of him. So while he may not be with us now he will live through you and people who know you will come to know and love Ryan.
Those girls could not have asked for a better person than yourself to carry on his memory. I know times are hard now and it will take time before you can adjust, but I know Ryan is with God now and he has a smile on his face because he is finally at peace. He has no pressure from the world around him. He is with us every day and is up there watching over us all! Love always, Meg"
She's right. Back when I was in college he'd call me almost every Friday night before I went out, gave me the father-daughter speech "Be careful, don't drink too much, don't drink and drive!"
and then Saturday or Sunday mornings he would call and see how my weekends were. <3 Surely going to miss that.
Thanks for the memory Meg!
2 comments:
FROM AUNT JUJU...Awe... LOVE IT!!!! Sooooo true. My kids will remember him the same way...through us :) <3 I miss him not being alive... but he is alive in Heaven and in our Hearts. Well put Meagan! Last night when we were on our way to soccer... the kids were laughing and laughing (harder than usual) and I said what r u guys laughing at...haha and they were recalling a time when Ryan got a brand new electrofied Hair Growth Stimulater and was trying it out on "Uncle Ted"...He told them it was a Smart Machine to make their daddy smarter... they were laughing saying Ted needed it since he couldn't comprehend Lily's home work before we left! <3
Well, I guess today was a reality check. Lynds sent me a picture of Ryan hugging me and I've cried for the last hour or maybe even longer. I think I've spent the last two weeks worrying about everyone else and trying to keep my mind busy --- so busy that I'm exhausted from thinking about everything I can just to keep from .......... to keep from facing the fact that Ryan is gone and I will never see him again. I don't know if I even have any tears left. Do we shed a tear for every smile we remember -- for every hug - for all of the good memories - for all of the fun times and the love - the unconditional love a parent has for their child. How many of these memories can we retain - how many tears do I have to shed yet. I feel absolutely numb right now but I guess this is all part of the grieving process. I'm so tired right now that my ankles - which are so raw, finally have stopped burning and itching. Maybe this is what I need - maybe my ankles will never heal until I can start the healing process. Maybe I've kept too much inside --- maybe I need to do this but I'm not sure if I can. It's definitely easier to keep distracted with work and .... well, just about everything I can think of except losing Ryan. The thoughts have been running wild for over two weeks now -- almost to the point where my head is spinning but I just can't do it anymore - it has literally drained me. I guess this is the part that people have told me about - the point where reality sets in and I guess the only thing I can do is to start the process. :-(
I wonder how many people really know the meaning of the word "alone".
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