Dear Ry-Pie,
It’s Lin-seed, your baby sis. I have so much on my mind and I cannot stop thinking about you and how I would give anything for one more big bear hug from you. Although I don’t even know where to begin, I’d like to start by saying… THANK YOU. You have always been so protective of me. You picked me up when I was down, stood up for me, offered to drive 3 hours to Baltimore in the middle of night when I was in need, and you never once turned your back on me. You taught me to stand up for myself, to not let anyone take advantage of me, and you taught me every road not to take in life. I owe the way my life has turned out so far to you. Despite the decisions you have made over the years, you never let me come even close to going off the beaten path. For that, I am forever indebted to you.
I have spent hours and hours these past three or four days running memories through my mind, smiling about them, laughing about them, crying about them, questioning, and I’d just like to recall a few of my favorite memories:
One of my earliest memories of you is from about age 4, when I used to sneak into your bedroom at night because I was scared to sleep alone. I would tip toe across the hall as quietly as could be and sometimes I got caught but sometimes I didn’t. The nights that I didn’t, I thought you would kick me out but you told me that there were alligators under the bed that would get me if I tried to leave. Secretly, I knew that you just really wanted me to stay with you because you didn’t want to be alone either.
Another memory is when you taught me to ski in 9th grade at Ski Sawmill. I’m not sure if I credit my teaching skills to you because to teach me to ski, you took me to the very top of the hill “just to look around” and then you gave me a nice, solid push down the hill. I may have screamed at the top of my lungs the entire ride down the hill, but by the end of the day I was officially a skier.
You were always teaching me something, whether it was how to say a bad word, how to sneak into the cookie cabinet without mom and dad hearing, or the time when you decided to teach me how to give people the bird at the age of five. This became my infamous hand gesture, and as innocent as I was, I had no clue in the world what my gesture was actually suggesting. I always gave the bird with a huge smile.
One other memory I have is when I turned 23 and you wanted to buy me a tattoo for my birthday. I was a little apprehensive because tattoos are so permanent, and taste changes every few years, so I pondered for days prior to the big day, asking myself what could I possibly get that would never change… my relationship with you. That day in the tattoo parlor I was scared as anything and you laughed with me and held my hand and taped me, of course, and when I looked down and it was over, the symbol for “little sister” was branded on my foot forever. You went next and got “big brother” and I felt so special to you in that moment. Special enough that you wanted me even closer to you than I already was, a symbol that lasts forever and can never be erased. I will look down at that every day and smile.
Ryan loved his family more than anything in this world. Even though he was not always around, he never missed a birthday, holiday, or “just thinking of you” moment. He loved having dinners with his family for birthdays, and his favorite place in this world was Poppop Palmer’s cabin. Poppop would drive Ryan and me up to his cabin in Canton, PA almost every weekend when we were growing up. He would let us ride in the very back of his pick up truck with the dogs. This would be unheard of in this day and age but we had no worries in the world up there. Ryan also loved going to Seaside Park, NJ where Poppop Palmer had a beautiful house right on the bay. We would collect seashells on the beach during the day, then bring them home and paint them and sell them on the side of the street. With all the money he made, he would always buy something for everyone, or take me to get an ice cream cone. He was an entrepreneur even at the age of 10.
Ryan has been away off and on and for years, but everything happens for a reason, and if he hadn’t, I wouldn’t have bags and bags of letters that we wrote to each other over the past ten years. I have tokens of his love, concern, thoughts, worries, fears, passions, desires, and hopes for the future all tucked away, written in his own handwriting, letters and words that form pieces of his heart and mind that I will treasure forever. When Ryan was away and I would go visit him, we would laugh and laugh, talk about girls, eat, talk about girls some more, reminisce on good times, and talk about girls some more. Ryan was a magnet for all sorts of people over the years, but there is one that had his heart from the beginning.
Anna. Anna is one of the sweetest and caring mothers, friends, girlfriend, daughter, and sister that anyone could ask for. She was Ryan’s rock and she tried with all her might to keep Ryan grounded. Her strength in this difficult time is admirable, and she is a part of our family now more than ever, and always will be. Anna, thank you for showing my brother what true love is on his short time here on earth. The two of you had a unique love, and a love that created two of the most important things in my life: Jewelana and Lydia. I will see Ryan every time I look into either one of their eyes and that gives me a sense of peace and thankfulness. Our family could not have asked for two better gifts than these two angels to remind us of Ryan each and every day.
Now, Ryan was a rebel even as a child. He would jump out of his crib and my Mom and Dad would find him in the living room eating Cheerio’s and watching TV. He never did his spelling homework and he bribed me to do it for him in exchange for letting me borrow his Sublime tape. This may or may not have contributed to me becoming an English teacher, but it might have something to do with Ryan asking me how to spell things all the time (smile). He got his sense of humor from my Dad, and it never left him.
Ryan, you may not have always made the best decisions in this life but you took pride in being yourself, being true, and being real, even if it wasn’t the best way to be in everyone else’s eyes. For that, you are my hero. E.E. Cummings once wrote, “To be yourself in a world that’s doing its best to make you somebody else is to fight the hardest battles you are ever going to find.” You fought until the very end; you never stopped fighting for what you believed in.
I’m sure there will be good days and bad for me, but not a day will go by that I don’t see Ryan’s face in my memory, his big smile that could light up an entire room, his crazy antics and unpredictability that always kept everyone on their toes, and his heart that is by far the biggest heart of a man that you will ever meet. He got this heart from his Mommy and Dad, who would have done anything for him. They were both there for him from the minute he was born, to the moment that he took his last breath. Their love for him is undying and true, a love not all will ever understand, but a love that helped Ryan have the best life he could despite given circumstances.
We all lost a loyal companion this week. God better get prepared because he has one hell of an angel joining his crew up there. I’m sure he will be up there looking down on us each day and night, laughing, and watching his two beautiful baby girls grow up, without ever forgetting their Daddy.
One of Ryan’s last requests was for people to see that he really was a good hearted person and would do anything for anyone in this world. I hope that by hearing these thoughts and memories, you see that Ryan was no monster. He was a young man that would sacrifice anything for the people he loved most, no matter how many times they turned away from him. A man with a heart of gold. This week I not only lost a brother, but a best friend. Ryan and I shared a very unique bond that no one will ever understand except him and I. The love I have for my brother will never fade, never be replaced; he will always be my big bro and I will always be his baby sis.
Ryan, you always said to people “This is Lyndsay, my baby sis, that’s my heart right there.” That’s where I plan to keep you forever big bro, in each little piece of my broken heart.
Love you always, Your baby sis, Lynds
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