Lyndsay's Last Letter to Ryan

Dear Ry-Pie,

It’s Lin-seed, your baby sis. I have so much on my mind and I cannot stop thinking about you and how I would give anything for one more big bear hug from you. Although I don’t even know where to begin, I’d like to start by saying… THANK YOU. You have always been so protective of me. You picked me up when I was down, stood up for me, offered to drive 3 hours to Baltimore in the middle of night when I was in need, and you never once turned your back on me. You taught me to stand up for myself, to not let anyone take advantage of me, and you taught me every road not to take in life. I owe the way my life has turned out so far to you. Despite the decisions you have made over the years, you never let me come even close to going off the beaten path. For that, I am forever indebted to you.

I have spent hours and hours these past three or four days running memories through my mind, smiling about them, laughing about them, crying about them, questioning, and I’d just like to recall a few of my favorite memories:

One of my earliest memories of you is from about age 4, when I used to sneak into your bedroom at night because I was scared to sleep alone. I would tip toe across the hall as quietly as could be and sometimes I got caught but sometimes I didn’t. The nights that I didn’t, I thought you would kick me out but you told me that there were alligators under the bed that would get me if I tried to leave. Secretly, I knew that you just really wanted me to stay with you because you didn’t want to be alone either.

Another memory is when you taught me to ski in 9th grade at Ski Sawmill. I’m not sure if I credit my teaching skills to you because to teach me to ski, you took me to the very top of the hill “just to look around” and then you gave me a nice, solid push down the hill. I may have screamed at the top of my lungs the entire ride down the hill, but by the end of the day I was officially a skier.

You were always teaching me something, whether it was how to say a bad word, how to sneak into the cookie cabinet without mom and dad hearing, or the time when you decided to teach me how to give people the bird at the age of five. This became my infamous hand gesture, and as innocent as I was, I had no clue in the world what my gesture was actually suggesting. I always gave the bird with a huge smile.

One other memory I have is when I turned 23 and you wanted to buy me a tattoo for my birthday. I was a little apprehensive because tattoos are so permanent, and taste changes every few years, so I pondered for days prior to the big day, asking myself what could I possibly get that would never change… my relationship with you. That day in the tattoo parlor I was scared as anything and you laughed with me and held my hand and taped me, of course, and when I looked down and it was over, the symbol for “little sister” was branded on my foot forever. You went next and got “big brother” and I felt so special to you in that moment. Special enough that you wanted me even closer to you than I already was, a symbol that lasts forever and can never be erased. I will look down at that every day and smile.

Ryan loved his family more than anything in this world. Even though he was not always around, he never missed a birthday, holiday, or “just thinking of you” moment. He loved having dinners with his family for birthdays, and his favorite place in this world was Poppop Palmer’s cabin. Poppop would drive Ryan and me up to his cabin in Canton, PA almost every weekend when we were growing up. He would let us ride in the very back of his pick up truck with the dogs. This would be unheard of in this day and age but we had no worries in the world up there. Ryan also loved going to Seaside Park, NJ where Poppop Palmer had a beautiful house right on the bay. We would collect seashells on the beach during the day, then bring them home and paint them and sell them on the side of the street. With all the money he made, he would always buy something for everyone, or take me to get an ice cream cone. He was an entrepreneur even at the age of 10.

Ryan has been away off and on and for years, but everything happens for a reason, and if he hadn’t, I wouldn’t have bags and bags of letters that we wrote to each other over the past ten years. I have tokens of his love, concern, thoughts, worries, fears, passions, desires, and hopes for the future all tucked away, written in his own handwriting, letters and words that form pieces of his heart and mind that I will treasure forever. When Ryan was away and I would go visit him, we would laugh and laugh, talk about girls, eat, talk about girls some more, reminisce on good times, and talk about girls some more. Ryan was a magnet for all sorts of people over the years, but there is one that had his heart from the beginning.

Anna. Anna is one of the sweetest and caring mothers, friends, girlfriend, daughter, and sister that anyone could ask for. She was Ryan’s rock and she tried with all her might to keep Ryan grounded. Her strength in this difficult time is admirable, and she is a part of our family now more than ever, and always will be. Anna, thank you for showing my brother what true love is on his short time here on earth. The two of you had a unique love, and a love that created two of the most important things in my life: Jewelana and Lydia. I will see Ryan every time I look into either one of their eyes and that gives me a sense of peace and thankfulness. Our family could not have asked for two better gifts than these two angels to remind us of Ryan each and every day.

Now, Ryan was a rebel even as a child. He would jump out of his crib and my Mom and Dad would find him in the living room eating Cheerio’s and watching TV. He never did his spelling homework and he bribed me to do it for him in exchange for letting me borrow his Sublime tape. This may or may not have contributed to me becoming an English teacher, but it might have something to do with Ryan asking me how to spell things all the time (smile). He got his sense of humor from my Dad, and it never left him.

Ryan, you may not have always made the best decisions in this life but you took pride in being yourself, being true, and being real, even if it wasn’t the best way to be in everyone else’s eyes. For that, you are my hero. E.E. Cummings once wrote, “To be yourself in a world that’s doing its best to make you somebody else is to fight the hardest battles you are ever going to find.” You fought until the very end; you never stopped fighting for what you believed in.

I’m sure there will be good days and bad for me, but not a day will go by that I don’t see Ryan’s face in my memory, his big smile that could light up an entire room, his crazy antics and unpredictability that always kept everyone on their toes, and his heart that is by far the biggest heart of a man that you will ever meet. He got this heart from his Mommy and Dad, who would have done anything for him. They were both there for him from the minute he was born, to the moment that he took his last breath. Their love for him is undying and true, a love not all will ever understand, but a love that helped Ryan have the best life he could despite given circumstances.

We all lost a loyal companion this week. God better get prepared because he has one hell of an angel joining his crew up there. I’m sure he will be up there looking down on us each day and night, laughing, and watching his two beautiful baby girls grow up, without ever forgetting their Daddy.

One of Ryan’s last requests was for people to see that he really was a good hearted person and would do anything for anyone in this world. I hope that by hearing these thoughts and memories, you see that Ryan was no monster. He was a young man that would sacrifice anything for the people he loved most, no matter how many times they turned away from him. A man with a heart of gold. This week I not only lost a brother, but a best friend. Ryan and I shared a very unique bond that no one will ever understand except him and I. The love I have for my brother will never fade, never be replaced; he will always be my big bro and I will always be his baby sis.

Ryan, you always said to people “This is Lyndsay, my baby sis, that’s my heart right there.” That’s where I plan to keep you forever big bro, in each little piece of my broken heart.

Love you always, Your baby sis, Lynds

Anna's Last Letter to Ryan

Ryan Matthew,

Throughout the years you have given me the most memorable moments of my life. From dancing in the Steamtown mall parking deck to the song “time of my life” to the births of our two beautiful daughters, those moments were made possible because of you!


You have taught me to believe in myself, stand up for what I believe in, not care what other people think, and you’ve made me stronger than I ever knew I could be.


We had our highs and lows, ups and downs, laughs and cries, but through it all we always stuck by each other. We shared a deep love that only some dream of having.


You always found a way to make me laugh, whether it be a cute dance, funny joke, or saying something embarrassing in front of a crowd of people. You always found a way to put a smile on my face.


In one year (51 weeks to be exact), we were blessed with two miracles of life, our daughters Jewelana Rhian and Lydia Grace, both of which look just like you, especially Jewelana. You were her best bud. Every time she saw you, her eyes lit up like kaleidoscopes. And Lydia, although she didn’t get to spend as much time with you, will never question who her daddy really was because I will ensure her that you were loving, caring, generous, adventurous, affectionate, and spontaneous.


I hope you always know that the babies and I love you very much and will be thinking of you often. We know that although you are no longer physically here, your spirit remains and you will continue to love and watch over us. Until our family is together again in heaven, thank you, Ryan Matthew, for truly giving me the time of my life.

Love always,

Anna

Mom's Last Letter to Ryan

Dear Ryan, From your Mom,


Ryan, I know you are here, I can feel you. I am not going to say good –bye because you are with me always. I learned to do this because we spent so much time apart. We would both be looking at the moon while we were talking on the phone. I will always think of you when I look at the moon.

Ryan means “Little King”, and that, you were. When you were a little boy, you would bring me yellow dandelions and your little nose would be all yellow from sniffing them so much. Last week you gave me a big yellow mum with a big smile on your face. I could see the pain behind that smile, and I know how you tried to overcome the feelings of sadness in your heart, but those beautiful blue eyes and big smile and hugs is what I will always remember the most. I know that you are in heaven, sitting with Jesus and making plans on how you will help others from Heaven, because that is what you did best. Help others.


I remember when you were 12, and we were in Baltimore when you gave your last dollar to a homeless man. And once when you were away, you used your snack money to buy an old man a pair of sneakers because he didn’t have shoes. I remember at our yard sale when the skinny mom and her two boys only had 10.00 dollars and they needed sneakers for school, and I watched you look at their faces of disappointment as they walked away after she told them she didn’t have enough money. I knew before you did it, what you were going to do. Remember how happy they were with Brand new sneakers. You were truly a little king.


You know that Darrin loved you so much, like the son he never had. He will be yelling “Spring Break !!“ from the boat everytime we go up the river in your memory !! Please know that we are sad, but will carry on for you, and your family like you asked us to. Thank you for being a wonderful son, and thank you for giving us two beautiful blue eyes girls who will be treasured forever.


Everyday was an adventure with you, and Thank you for being such a neat person. We surely had our ups and downs, but I stood by you no matter want, and I will stand by you to the day I come and join you in heaven. I am so thankful that our family now has the best guardian angel anyone could ask for. I love you and will be talking to you in my prayers every day.

This song is for you Ryan. “If I die young”


Love you, Mom

Dad's Last Letter to Ryan

To my loving son Ryan,

On the afternoon of October 12, as your Mom and I sat on an old trailer behind my office trying to come to grasps with what has just happened to our only son, a sense of calmness came over me that I have never experienced. The calm was so real and all the pain that was so intense in my heart as well as my physical pain was suddenly gone. As I sat there trying to comprehend how this could be I looked over at your Mom - I could literally see by the expression on her face that I didn't even need to ask -- her pain had also suddenly stopped. Although this experience of peace and calm only lasted momentarily - I realized that this was your way of letting us know that you were finally at peace.

Very few people could ever understand the special bond that a father and son develop when that son has experienced so much turmoil and surely the pain that goes with it. I realize now that the love is so exceptionally deep because of a parents duty to love, protect, and shelter their children from any pain that they could experience. I also have come to realize that as a parent who is instinctively trying to shelter that child from any pain -- that we actually try to take the pain ourselves and even though it never can be accomplished -- we know that by sharing that pain we are at least helping them bear that burden.

I know that our family has a long road ahead of us and the heartache and sorrow we feel today will never go away, I do realize that just knowing you are at peace, will help us all get thru this. Although it's one of those things that we never really talked about - the way you always made me feel like the greatest father in the world is one of the most precious gifts you could ever have given me. Thank you Ryan for letting us know that you are happy where you are and eventually someday I will be able to share that peace and calm that you now have. I love you Ryan.

Dad

October 2006

This morning I found this letter I wrote to Ryan in 2006...

Ryan,
I’m really sorry about what happened tonight. I feel really bad and I am worried about you but I will say a few prayers that you are ok. I know I won’t be able to sleep tonight cause I do worry too much. That’s probably why I wrote that poem, cause I always think about stuff before I fall asleep.

Regardless of all that, I have faith in you that you handled it all ok when you were confronted and I’m hoping everything is ok. I hate this, I just want you to come home! It’s so hard leaving there and leaving you there. I know it is ten times harder for you, since you stay there, but it is a feeling that I cannot even describe. I hate it though. And the hardest part is, I can’t really talk to any of my friends about it because none of them understand. I just want you to come home so badly and I get so scared thinking about people that might try to mess with you when you get out or instigate shit. I can’t even imagine what would happen if you had to go back there. I guess I just need to stop thinking like that and just be positive, and have FAITH in you that you are a different person. You are so smart and I know you have learned your lesson and you’re looking forward to starting your life over and maybe then I will stop worrying.

My friend is on medication for excessive worrying – maybe I should ask my doctor about it. Anyways please call Mom soon and let her know if everything is ok or not ok!! Anyways I’m going to try to get some sleep. It was a nice visit today and I hope you enjoyed yourself and are proud of yourself!!!

Love you as much as I love Reese Peanut Butter Cups
<3 Lynds

Weekend Phone Calls

I got the most beautiful card from my best friend Megan today. It was perfect. After reading her words, so many memories rushed back to me.

"Lynds,
Words cannot express the sorrow I feel for you and your family. Ryan was like a big brother to me. While I may not have been that close to him, what I did know of him I knew him through you. When I first met you Ryan was not around. However, I came to know him through stories, memories, and photos. I remember you telling me stories on how he used to call you names which drove you nuts :P I remember hanging out in his room and you showing me all the lil things that defined him. I remember lying in your room on weekend mornings reading letters he had written or talking to him on the phone.

I remember how we would talk to him Friday or Saturday nights before going out and he would always say to me "look out for my lil sis." Even though he was not physically around he was still looking out for you. What I am trying to say Lynds, is that I came to know and love Ryan through you; through your memories and stories of him. So while he may not be with us now he will live through you and people who know you will come to know and love Ryan.

Those girls could not have asked for a better person than yourself to carry on his memory. I know times are hard now and it will take time before you can adjust, but I know Ryan is with God now and he has a smile on his face because he is finally at peace. He has no pressure from the world around him. He is with us every day and is up there watching over us all! Love always, Meg"

She's right. Back when I was in college he'd call me almost every Friday night before I went out, gave me the father-daughter speech "Be careful, don't drink too much, don't drink and drive!"
and then Saturday or Sunday mornings he would call and see how my weekends were. <3 Surely going to miss that.

Thanks for the memory Meg!

Meet in My Dreams

I just had a dream about Ryan. I'm pretty sure this was the first one so I need to write it down before I forget.

In my dream, everyone had already heard the news. We were all up at the cabin together, for New Years Eve.

First I walked by a bedroom and saw Ryan laying in bed and Nana with him, just crying and crying, holding him. She was holding and kissing his face. Nana left and I noticed he was breathing! I even heard him snoring a little (hahA). I ran down to tell my Mom that he was actually alive... and snoring!

Then he was downstairs out on the sun porch, laying on the couch. I was hugging and hugging him. When I hugged him for the first time, I just started crying so hard. I knew that he knew how sad I was we lost him by how hard I was crying, and he hugged me tighter.

All I remember next was him getting up off the couch first to help me up. He stood over me, lifting me off the couch, and told me to do some sit ups!!! Hahaha :) I guess that's when my alarm went off.

It was very nice to see him!

Now, onto reality.

Out with the Old

Tonight I had to go through all my voicemail and get rid of some old ones because my inbox was full. The first message was from my Grandfather that I always keep saved. The next one was from Ryan...

He had called me one of his first nights home a few weeks ago around 3am.... just sobbing and crying. I was asleep and didn't get the call and oh how I wish I would have. In between his tears I heard.... "Lynds....I just need someone to talk to....give me a call back when you get this."

I called him the next morning and he was just so overwhelmed. I tried to calm him down and tell him to take it one day at a time. I reminded him that he had so many people around him that not only loved him but would be there to take care of his lil pumpkins while he was gone.

But I could hear it in his voice. He was in over his head. There was nothing I could say that could ease up his stress. He couldn't imagine having to say goodbye to Nana and Poppop before he left. He just didn't want to go through with any of it.

The next few messages were family members telling me to say prayers for him, the few days prior. Nana said "that poor kid... so mixed up." That's exactly the words for it. I just don't understand... he was raised in the same family as me, brought up the same way, but we lived totally different lives. If I could start over I'd trade him, just so he could have had some more peace.

But ya know what... let me flip this right now for all my readers -- all 3 of you ;) Ryan had a lot of fun in his life. Maybe a little too much? Hehe. One of his good friends wrote to me tonight and said he remembered a time when Ryan mooned him and was like "Isn't my butt cute?!?!" haha :) That's so him.

Just a quick memory from when we were young... Ryan and I had this one particular godawful babysitter when we were younger whom shall remain unnamed. Anyway Ryan was being bad (imagine that!) and he got put in the corner. I am going to guess I was about 7 and he was about 11. So this chick made him stand in the corner for an hour! I was so mad that she was being so mean. Since I wasn't aware of "Children and Youth" at that point in my young life, I decided to do what any lil sister would do: I rebelled in defense of my big brother. I jumped out my bedroom window on the first floor.

This was my version of "running away" and we can all assume why I knew what "running away" was at that age. After I made the plunge and walked around for a while, I heard "unnamed psycho sitter" yelling for me, freaking out when she ran into my room and saw my window open and a little blonde girl walking down the driveway.

She finally convinced me to come back inside and was so shocked, distracted and appauled by my performance that Ryan was in the clear. The only other thing I remember about that day is this chick thought she could entertain me by jumping in the air pretending she was Barney. I don't think she lasted much longer...

Pretty sure I know who taught me to stick up for the people I care about.

<3 Lil sis

After the rain...

Today was a step up from yesterday. Kind of a numb day. I had a good talk with Mrs. Thomas this morning and I told her some things I haven't told anyone else yet. Just feelings and thoughts I've been running over and over in my head. Woulda coulda shouldas.

I found a letter from Ryan dated May 6, 2009. It was a birthday letter to me. His letter was bursting with excitement because of baby J on the way :) He talked about wanting nothing more than being there when his baby girl was born. I could hear the eagerness and excitement in his words. "A baby changes everything; it's a feeling like no other <3" he wrote.

He signed it with his infamous message to me, as usual, "drive safe baby sis, love ya!"
Love always, Your big bro

Ryan didn't have a ton of things that made him feel proud but at the top, surely, was being a big bro, and being a Daddy....

I'm really tired. Time to get some sleep. Maybe tonight I won't wake up each hour, and open my eyes, hoping to see a familiar face peering through the darkness.

Signed,
Lil Sis

Sinking........ in.

Today was one of the hardest days yet. How is this possible? I am working backwards here.

The posts and cards have started to stop. I am SO thankful for all the support of my friends and family, the texts, calls, comments, messages, etc. Everyone says I am such a strong person and that they hope I'll lean on my friends at this time and I can proudly say I have some pretty amazing and awesome people to lean on. So thankful.

But this morning, driving to work.... I think it FINALLY hit me. I'm not just here in MD with Ryan in PA. It hit me that he is gone. I will never get to see him again.

I am starting to get mad. Mad at him for leaving me. Mad at myself for not calling toward the end. I was just so afraid to hear what he would say because I knew............

I got a letter from one of his good friends today. It kinda tore me up...
"I want you to know that he truly loved his "Lil sis" and he would lay down his life in the blink of an eye for you! Pinky what I think he would want you to do, is dry your eyes, and help to raise those "two little princess daughters" he has unfortunately left behind. By keeping his memory alive with them both as they each grow. You do this by keep telling them just how much their father happened to love them, as well as tell them stories about you and him when ya'll were younger! Also, the same goes for yourself.... whenever you're feeling low plus questioning yourself wondering how plus why could he do such a tragic thing to himself, just stop and think/remember all of the good things about him, or the fun times you shared."

Had a complete breakdown at school after reading this. I can't stop picturing him sitting in that car... and now wishing it was me.

Ryan's Shout Outs in 2007

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Shout Outs!

A few of my relationships have fallen apart and others have grown only stronger...

Shout out to my baby sister Lyndsay! I am soo proud of you Sis! We've only become so much closer and I'm lucky to have such a cool sister. Must be she takes after her big bro :) I'm proud of all you've done in college and now being out on your own. I can't thank you enough for all you've done and being someone I can always count on and talk to. I love you, Sis!

Shout out to Mom-Dukes! My Mom is the best... she has been my support system, my best friend, and has helped me to always look at the good in things and always push for the bestter in my life. Thank you for everything, Mom. I'm the person I am today much because of the things you taught me, all the good stuff anyway :)

Shout out to my Dad for never being easy on me and making me the strong person I am today.

My Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, stepfather, and the whole family. I love and miss everyone and thank you for all of your love!

To all my real friends: MUCH LOVE! Thanks to Troy Winner and Yancy Cupp - you guys are my true bros. Shout outs to Cat B., Ashley M., Pat H., Ally W., Nicki J., Greg G., Jon R., Bobby N., Eric S., Bud W., Brad S., Corey G., Cory & Jay Kilheeney, Melissa S., Steph S., and all my other friends.

Also shout out to my homies on lockdown: Joe J. up at Houtzdale, Chris Hanson, Josh Sheeler, and Griff at Retreat... stay up Bros!

Big shout out to my old celly Steve Morse, who's home now!

RIP Matt Kratz, Lance R., and Mark S. Always remember our fallen brothers.

Amber, I miss you and wish you the best. You've always been one of my best friends. Through thick and thin, ups and downs, no distance or time can erase the history we have. Ladies is Pimps, too. Smile! :]

Shout out to everyone else who's been ride-n with The Kid! You know who you are... never forgotten, much love!

To all those cats who act like they forgot about The Kid, hey... your loss. I'll be home soon shine-n as always. So don't walk up to me like you didn't know where I was. I got no rap. Ya'll know The Kids been on lockdown, you've got my address, so holla at ya boy! Cats talking about they busy - I can understand that but are you telling me over 4 years go by and you've got no time to drop the kid a few lines? Ya'll sure had time to always be at my house every weekend.

When will it stop hurting? The more I find, the more it hurts.

Never forget

One of my fears is that I'll start to forget. Probably not now, but 10 years down the road I want all the memories to remain just as strong in my mind. By sharing my stories and memories, Ryan can live each day.

On Friday I told my students the story of Ryan's visit to Annapolis and how the night eventually led to Me, Ryan, Bud, and Zelezen running as fast as we could from these huge guys. Long story but my kids laughed and laughed when they heard the story. There was never a dull moment with my brother and he lived 100 years in his 29 years. It puts me at ease recalling times when Ryan said he did so many things in his short life, things that others don't even experience over an entire lifetime. Ryan got the most out of his life and I honestly don't think we should look at it as being cut short.

I'm looking at this pic I just found of Ryan in the basement playing on his slot machine. I remember this night as if it were yesterday. I came home from Baltimore from the weekend and Ryan and I spent hours working on his myspace page, adding pictures and quotes and information about him. He was playing with the slot machine and its' crazy, zany carnival-sounding music like a big dork :-P I taped him and was laughing SO HARD. He was always a trip. Bopping his head all around. Wearing his college shirt I got him. I gave it to him because one time I went to visit him he leaned over and looked at me so sincere and said "So how's scollage?!!?" I said you mean college?!?! Haha. A few years later telling this story I spit out the hot chocolate in my mouth.

I have so many fun and funny memories with Ryan. I never want to forget. They say that the heart that truly loves never forgets.

Thinking of him,
Lynds

Bedtime

Last night I was sitting at my desk checking email and browsing on facebook before bed when my headband flew off my head onto the floor. I had to laugh because that's never happened to me before and I wondered why it did; then I smiled.

When I got into bed I turned my radio on because complete silence can do a number on my imagination. Before I turned it on I just asked Ryan to make it a good one... and "If I Die Young" came on, which is our song for Ryan now. I smiled again and fell right asleep.

And wow, as I'm sitting here typing guess what song just came on? I have goosebumps. Ryan is here with me. I wonder if he's tired from running back and forth from PA to MD? You can call it a coincidence... I'll call it a special visit. =)

I just found out that the band "Band Perry" who sings that song is a girl and her two brothers, so that makes it even more special.

Missing him

Lynds

Change, change, read all about it.

Each passing day gets a little less painful. Tonight I read a great letter written in Ryan's defense to the newspaper.

Here it is:

"This is the second letter I am writing to the Sungazette on this matter…I am hoping the other one just got lost in cyberspace. On Saturday October 16, 2010 I had the pain as many others did to walk through the receiving line at a Memorial Service for Ryan Matthew Jasper. As I walked through that line and embraced his Grandparents, Mother, Father, Sister, Step-Father, and loving fiancé I couldn’t help but think back to last Thursdays newspaper where Ryan’s privacy was violated, the truth was altered, and his monumental time on this earth was degraded and disrespected by words. As I sat there and looked around the funeral home at the amount of tears, heartache, and sorrow that filled that room, actually the whole building, I became angry at the newspaper itself for allowing a release of an article that disgraced the front page, and I felt pain for his family who had just endured the most painful loss of their lives. I ask myself where the compassion went for another human. When do we say enough is enough and stop trying to beat down someone, disgrace them, or humiliate them? When do we start turning to the person next to us and simply saying, sorry? When do we as a community stop hitting the person when they are down? What happened to the Golden Rule? What happened to treating people as we would want to be treated? I know as a friend and ex-employee of Ryan…he did that. He helped everyone around him who needed it. It didn’t matter what color you were, whether you drove a Harley, Mercedes, rode the bus, or had a car at all. It didn’t matter to him at all. I know why it didn’t matter to him, because he had compassion for other people, he cared how that person would feel after they walked away from him. Ryan lived the Golden Rule! He might not have lived a perfect life, we ALL have our problems; but that doesn’t mean or give anyone the right to kick someone when they are down. So when you read this article I hope that you think of that incredible smile that stared back at you from his obituary, because that is the one he would have showed you! RIP Ryan! We love you and miss you always!"

Thank you Monique!

After reading this, she is so right. Ryan didn't care about how many friends a person had, what kind of clothes people wore, or what others thought of him. How many times do we judge people based on these things on a daily basis? No one is perfect but I encourage all of you, myself included, to let people be themselves without judging them constantly. Show compassion and reach out to those around you whenever you can. Don't beat someone when they're down. Instead, help pick them up off the ground. We never know when all someone needs is an extra hand.

Goodnight. I am off to say my prayers and tell Ryan about my day.

Nighty night,

Lynds

Is it real?

I look at Ryan's memorial service brochure and I still don't quite believe it. I wonder if I ever will. He's so handsome and peaceful in the pic. Images from that day still play over in my head on repeat and I can't wait for the day when they fade. Anyone that knows Ryan knows that he struggled for a good part of his life and he is finally at peace but I just get so sad knowing he was that sad and empty that he had to do this. It's selfish of me to be sad because this is what he wanted. We all know that. But it doesn't make me feel any better that I couldn't do anything to help him. It's an awful feeling that won't go away.

Be kind. You never know who is fighting a harder battle. You never know when the last time is that you are going to see someone so always end on a good note. I would give an arm or a leg to get to say goodbye to my brother. Maybe that's why I am having a hard time with this... no closure. No true goodbye. I want a big hug and a big wet kiss on my cheek from him.

He is really gone. Is he? Is it real? Will he be back ever? Will he be there when I get married? Is he here with me now? Does he miss us?

I should be asleep now but instead I sit here wondering all these things. I can't seem to quiet my thoughts tonight. I guess it will just be one of those nights.

"On my way home this car hears my confessions. I think tonight I'll take the long way."

-Dashboard Confessional, "The Sharp Hint of New Tears"

Signing off with unanswered questions,

Lynds

One Week today

Well today marks one week already. The longest week of my life. I don't have much to say today. It is cold and rainy outside and I would like to curl up in my bed for the rest of the day. I start back to work tomorrow and that will be a challenge. That is where I got the news.

I was just reading through my journal that I got back in December of 2007. Ryan is on so many pages. I always worried about Ryan as if he were my own son. I was concerned about him and lost sleep over him just as a mother would. I wanted to help him.

December 18, 2007
Pat called tonight and said he was going to visit Ryan tomorrow! That is so sweet of him; he is such a good guy. And such an awesome friend. It really made my day. I hope Ryan was both surprised and satisfied!

January 25, 2008
Mom called yesterday while I was at work. Ryan is coming home!!!!! Best day ever. He is home in 60 days!! =)

February 21, 2008
Disappointed. It's out of my hands though! I can't spend my whole life stressing and worrying about someone else. Decisions and choices are a personal thing -- he should have known better. I can't give him my advice or my opinion because we will just fight. I don't want that. His P.O. needs to be on his tail more, calling the house and coming to the house. Freedom and trust have to be regained slowly. Not all at once or it can be a bad thing.

March 3, 2008
This week I feel so much better than last! I just need to live my life and not be consumed by his. I'll be there for him always but he needs this time. I don't want to say "told you so" but it's heading there.

December 24, 2008
I knew. I saw with my own eyes. I knew and did not tell. Because I was scared of what he would do. I tried to tell. I should have done something. Now look...

Some of these were written during times of struggle but I smile remembering how much I wanted to take of my bro, even though I was the little sis.