Had a pretty good day and then I checked the mail. I got a card from church, thanking me for my gift in memory of "Ryan Matthew Jasper" and once again, I was smacked in the face. All these little tokens of his memory are supposed to take his place? A small piece of cardboard? The flowers that are withering away on my kitchen table? They should be gone by now but I have not gathered up the courage to throw them away yet. I just don't think I can...
One of my very good friends told me to check out the song "Alibi" by Thirty Seconds to Mars. I am listening to it now and some of the lyrics hit me hard.
"We both could see crystal clear,
That the inevitable end was near..."
Two days prior to the day Ryan took his life, I suffered very intense nightmares, and I was up all night both nights. I tempted to reach out for help but to no avail. Monday morning, the day prior, I sought help with the School Psychologist. I told her some things that were going on and expressed my concerns and fears. While it felt great to get off my chest, she reassured me by saying that all these clues and parts of the puzzle made it sound as though Ryan was asking for people to stop him. This gave me some comfort. I had no idea the downward spiral that would ensue just that very next day.
I know it is natural to feel a pang of guilt if this happens to a loved one but some days this weighs heavy on my chest; so heavy I think it may sink in. People always say go with your gut. I just wish I would have.
"We both could see crystal clear,
That the inevitable end was near
Made our choice, a trial by fire,
To battle is the only way we feel alive..."
Just as the song says, I fall apart and get back up again. Tonight is just one of those nights that makes it so hard to get back up again. But I will.... for him.
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