His Last Words

It was a wonderful weekend spent at home and I apologize for leaving my readers with no new treats but here goes....

Friday night, between his sad eyes, deep breaths and falling tears, I watched and listened to Ryan say his last words to me and all his loved ones on different tapes he made.

While I couldn't hold back the tears the first time I watched, the more I watch them the happier I get. It is so wonderful to have these tokens of his love for us, forever. He was sitting up at the cabin with the camera facing him and the sun, delicate rays of light shining through, reassuring me God was with him.

He thanked everyone that has tried to help him over the years, everyone who has supported him through good times and bad. He said there is nothing anyone could have said to change his mind but he was glad to have time recently to spend with his daughters and his family and to spend time at his favorite place -- the cabin.

"Keep setting goals and keep pushing on."

He said he doesn't know where his depression comes from because he has so many blessings but something inside of him won't let him pull out of this rut.

"Be happy to have each other. Don't let this get you down. I know it will but don't let it for too long."

My last wishes are: "stick together, everyone give each other a hug for me." He said he thanks us all for such a wonderful life; so many beautiful memories and happy times. He was so blessed to have such a wonderful family... he said "we have a big family... if I sit here and try to name everybody I might change my mind!" and then he laughed really hard through more tears and wiped his face.

"Family is the most important thing. Friends come and go, people come and go, but your family is always there for you."

In his video to me he said some very heartfelt and wonderful things.... here are a few snidbits.... I don't want to write it all on there. Some is personal.

"This video is for my little sister Lyndsay..... I love you sis. You've helped me so much... you've been like my best friend. No matter how many times I messed up. We had a lot of fun together. I'll never forget the time in Maryland when that girl came over and started yellin' at ya and I maced her. I never saw someone run so fast in flip flops!" He laughed through his tears....

"I've got two beautiful little girls and everytime I look at them they remind me of you. And they are really gonna need their Aunt Lyndsay ya know? And let them know how much I love them... tell them the good things. I want them to know who I was, and you know me better than anybody.... you and Mom."

"I'm not worried about you because....I already know you're gonna be fine. You're strong, you're smart, you're a leader, you're funny.... and someday, somebody is gonna be very luck to have you. You're gonna make a great wife to some lucky guy."

"Watch out for my kids. Give Mom lots of hugs. We've got a WONDERFUL mother."

"I'm just tired. I'm sure you've seen I've changed... I'm not the same person I used to be. I just don't want to hurt anyone anymore."

"Take my lil girls to the park, make sure they date good guys that treat them well."

"I feel like I can't even give you any advice because anything I say you already know" and more laughing...

"You are a wonderful little sister and I thank you, for everything. And um, like I said, out of everyone's videos I am making, I know out of everybody you're gonna be alright because... you just are. You're a freakin' Jasper! But, I love you SO much, and thank you for the good times, thank you for standing by my side and believing in me when other people didn't."

"I love you, and I'll always be by your side. Anytime you need me just look up."

"Don't take anybody for granted ya know I know you don't but see Mom and Dad and Grammy and Poppop as much as you can. I've always said to have a good friend be a good friend. Don't let anyone treat you bad. And remember that I'm always with you. I love you."

He ended it with saying that he was going to take a walk and say some prayers.

How do you say goodbye to people that you love so much, he asked.

Ryan, this is not goodbye. This is "I'll see you again someday." Everytime I look up actually, because you know I always leaned on you over anybody else and that's not going to stop now big bro! Crazy thing is... I know you're there.



<3 Lil Sis