Hope Floats

I can't sleep. What I find myself doing when I can't sleep, call me crazy, is looking for traces. Looking in albums for pictures I haven't discovered yet, things he gave me, letters on my computer, letters he sent me. I don't know if this is normal or not but as soon as I find something it is like temporary relief. I mean let's be honest it hasn't even been much more than a month yet... it's still fresh even if it isn't for anyone else. You don't know someone 25 years and then forget after 50 days.

Here is a letter I wrote to him 3 years ago. Makes me smile.

September 4, 2007
Ry-Pie,

After receiving your last two letters, I’m going to start my response out with a quote…

“Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what Momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.”
- Hope Floats

Good one, huh? I just watched that movie - I bought it at Wal-mart over the weekend for only $5 – that’s a deal. That’s almost how much rentals are now so it’s worth it to just buy. Anyway enough about that… it was really nice seeing you Sunday! I’m glad Pat and I managed to pull that off. We have been planning that for well over a month now. I sent out all of your pictures today so you should have them (hopefully) by Thursday or Friday, but definitely before the weekend. Add up the cost of the pics, the postage, and the envelopes and my labor costs for standing there scanning in all of those pics and that’s about $100… it took me forever haha. Like over an hour, but that’s okay. I saw Anson while I was there… do you remember him? I showed him your pic standing next to your painting and he thinks you’ve really got talent. Did you ever consider being a graphic artist for books… like children’s books? You should. That would be awesome! Or maybe I can publish something and you can be the artist haha.

Well onto your letter… I found your letter to be very interesting because even though you have been in there quite some time, you pointed things out to me that I never would have even considered, just how different people are and yes, you’ve changed a little, but them moreso because they are out here in the real world where life changes at an ever so rapid pace – constantly. Your change occurs in different increments since you are in there. I noticed this about some of my younger friends… they may not have changed at all, but I have matured, and so now they seem even less mature to me when I am around them. It’s so funny that you wrote about all this stuff before you, me, and Pat had the conversation about the Gatorage lids because it all goes along the same lines… outside of where you are, life is changing at an unbelievable pace.

A quote from Grey’s Anatomy would fit great right here…

"Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us can wants, is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go."

There is so much truth in that statement because time doesn’t wait for ANYONE. If something occurs to you in your life, the world is not put on hold to cater to you. You are expected to pick yourself up onto your own two feet and keep on walking. There are no time-outs and no pause buttons in life. However, this can sometimes be used to your advantage. It allows people like you to sit back and see the world from a different perspective – one that is changing at a much slower pace because you are in the same place doing the same things. You notice things that all of us out here do not because we are distracted by the everyday advancements and changes going on all around us. Consider yourself lucky. I think you need to look at your situation as one similar to Emerson or Thoreau… they both went out into nature and away from society for a season or two. Actually, now that I think about it… Thoreau stayed at a cabin on land that belonged to Emerson for like TWO years!

Anyway wow I just went off on a wild tangent (it happens) but you get the point! There are pro’s and con’s to your situation. When you get out of there, you will appreciate many things much more than most people – you will not take things for granted, and that is an easy trap to fall into these days! I know that I am not perfect, but one thing I can say about myself is that I definitely enjoy and appreciate even the littlest of things. Like, just the other day I was leaving the house and 3 deer were in the yard and I got SO close to them in my car and then when I got right up on them, they all darted across the yard but they are really beautiful creatures and they looked so perfect. The green grass and blue sky behind them didn’t hurt the scene either haha. Just little stuff like that, I always say a prayer and just say THANK YOU LORD! Even just to wake up some days, or to have made it through another day. I know you are like that too, so it must have been how we were raised.

Sounds like you need to get to bed earlier and get some more sleep if you’re going to bed at 12:30 and getting up at 6. Well, it’s about my bedtime now. I’m gonna go take my contacts out then read for a bit. Then it’s time for some shuteye!
Love you! Peace out girl scout! Write back soon!
Lynds"


So isn't it funny... I go to find something from him and it's just what I need. "Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us can wants, is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go."

It's ok to feel what I feel. Time might move on but, the feelings I have aren't quite there yet. The other quote, beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most.... this comforts me. You lived your life to the fullest in the middle and you are at peace now. No more pain, struggle, confusion, or hopelessness. I just need to keep telling myself that, each morning and night. For me, those are the toughest... the stuff in the middle is easy.

I'm just going to give hope a chance to float up.... and it will.

Missing you a lot these past few days,
-Lil Sis