Man I Love Life

Ryan wrote this back in 2007. He tried his best to look for the little things in life to keeep him going and he did a pretty good job of it.

"Man I love life! Really I do and even with as much drama, hard times, and endless struggles that I seem to face day to day, the simplest things remind me of how wonderful life is. I’ve recently heard this song “I Try” many times. I love music and this song is why. It’s deep and every time I hear it, I get chills because I can relate. I love the way a song or so many little things in life can make me feel so alive. So today and every day may be far from perfect but all the little wonderful things, from music, family, and good friends, the way the sky looks as the sun sets, and so much more remind me why life is such a wonderful and beautiful thing…"

By Ryan M Jasper
May 2007


Don't overlook the small stuff... sometimes it's the best stuff.

Smile!

Got this note from a friend and I made the mistake of reading it at 4:30 this morning and I laughed so hard it woke me and got me out of bed, which is sometimes the hardest part of my day, so here I am... wide awake thinking.

November 4, 2010
"I read your one post and you said how you don't think people talk about it because they don't want to burden others. I think you're wrong. It's not a burden, it's a heavy weight to carry, and it sucks, but it sucks because the heavy weight we are carrying is memories, cherished memories. And it's heavy because we're carrying every last memory we can remember. And we're defensive of this, we don't wanna let go, so it hurts to think some things may be forgotten. But that's why I find your blog refreshing, while you may be letting some of that weight go, it's not gone, as others pick up that memory and take it with them as well. I'm happy to see your perspective to your brother, as I know it's completely different from how I knew him. He looked out for you when you weren't even around, I remember him talking to me about you. "I gotta make sure she doesn't do the same things I've done". "If you see her being bad you tell me, I'll talk to her". I'm glad to see your posts. None of my friends knew him, so I can't talk to them about him really, they can't remember what we did. This helps me, seeing how your relationship with him got closer over the years.

I would say keep writing, and don't ever think that it's a burden you're putting on others. You honor Ryan greatly through your words, memories, and thoughts. If you ever just want to talk about him or whatever I'll listen. Because I don't see it as a burden. And he'd want me to be there for his lil sis if she ever needed it. So I am.

Also I remember a time I drove by you on the fourwheeler on top of the mountain, really fast through the mud. May have gotten you muddy..... I just remember this horrid look of death rays being shot at me. Yeah, sorry bout that haha. Smile."

This really made me laugh so hard. And it's probably true! I have been known to give those looks lol!

But this also made me remember something. This particular friend mentioned Ryan never letting me be bad. He never wanted me to make mistakes he had made; so protective. Anyway any of you who know me and know me well, know that I am anti-drug, 100%... none. While I won't judge you if you partake in any (even casually), I just prefer not to and I have my reasons. I meddled with a certain common one twice back in high school (can I get in trouble for this now??? HAHA) and felt nothing. The third time I did and I ended up getting sick and not being able to come home until like 3 or 4 in the morning. My brother came and got me. I remember not only the look on his face but the words he said to me that morning. I knew how much I had disappointed him and it killed me. At the time I wondered why it mattered or why he cared or how he had any room to talk... but now I know. The look I got and the feeling that I had disappointed my big brother was so strong and I'll never forget that morning. I haven't touched a thing since and that was 11th grade............

I make mistakes...big ones, but I never make them twice.
-Mona Lisa Smile

Find a reason to smile each day!!!!!

Come With Me

I found this letter I sent to Ryan in 2007. I was trying to convince him to move down to Maryland with me to have a fresh start. It's kinda cute :)

November 11, 2007
Ryan,
So nice to talk to you today! Thanks for listening about the boy. I think it would be awesome if you would move here. We could get a place together and I would be able to show you all around, introduce you to completely different people. I think you need to get away from the caliber of people that you were with before because

1) look where it got you
2) you’ve been away from everyone so long (not many had rap) so what’s a little more time?
3) It’s a nice place to be on your own
4) It’s close enough to home that you can go home once in a while
5) I’m HERE!
6) It would give you the opportunity to have that “young lifestyle” still – that may not be as accepted in the Port.
7) A fresh start!
8) It’s by the bay!
9) The Naval Academy is here… the Navy has a good football team
10) It’s close to Baltimore – tons of fun!
11) Your rent would be cheaper if you split it with me
12) My gym membership gets reduced if I recruit someone to join!
13) We could buy a boat!

Glad I got a laugh out of ya on the phone. Hey it’s Sunday night so you’ll get this Wednesday I believe… hope you are having a great HUMP day!

I’m coming home Tues or Wed (20th) so how about a visit Saturday the 24th? Let me know. LOVE YOU! Xoxo – Lynds



I always tried to get Ryan on the right path, heading in the right direction. At times my efforts were fruitless, but other times, I would speak and Ryan would really hear me.... really understand what I was saying. Not everyone had that ability with Ryan but I think we were just on the same page and he just got it.

I remember the night he came down to move me from my house in Annapolis to my house in Fed Hill.... we all crashed at my place. Mom and Darrin got a hotel and Bud slept on the couch. Ryan stayed with me in my room. He snored all night!! Like a big baby.

Off to sleep.... I am desperate for it.
Lil Sis

Meet Me in the Middle

Mom went to see a median tonight. She was right on point for a lot. She then said.... your son.....

The lady held her hand up in front of my Mom's face and said "He's here.... RIGHT now." She talked all about him and his struggles and the love between Mom and Ryan. Then she brought me up. She said... your daughter.... she is well educated. She works with kids but shes continuing her education right now and she wants to do something where she helps people. (Ironically I just blogged this the other day). She said "she needs to just keep going... she's doing well for herself."

She said "Your daughter talks to Ryan each day." She said that he is worried about me; that I don't understand.......

It's supposed to get better. I do fine during the day; then at night I feel like I break down to a million pieces. How is everyone else keeping it together? Is theirs private like mine? I guess it's best. Then you don't burden everyone else with it. I hope I'm not doing that by writing this but it just feels so good to get it all out so if you can't handle reading it or you think those are my intentions I would stop now.

Mom said the cops gave her back the video tapes Ryan made us. He made each of us one...Dad, Anna and the girls, Nana and Poppop, Me, and Mom. Mom's was last so it got cut off but it's ok because Mom knows in her heart what he's saying to her. She was his BEST friend -- never once gave up on him ever. Never turned her back. Never let him fall. She knows....

Mom said my video was the longest and that really tore me up. I asked her how it started and she said Ryan looked at the camera and said...."This is for my little sis...."

I'll watch it this weekend. I can't wait. I cry just thinking about it.

I am glad Ryan hears me talking to him. I just wish he would come wrap his arms around me and hug me all night.


Goodnight. Stay True.

He Made a Difference

I got this from a good friend of the family today:

Well I'm sure you remember being at the cabin, seems like I was always there. It was 6-7th grade specifically, I remember you were up there more than usual, so I had someone my age to hang out with. Oh and it didn't hurt that Lindsey E was there too, I always really liked her. But I absolutely hated the rest of my life, the cabin was all I enjoyed in life. School was horrid, I had a lot of problems with my family, and I just felt empty. I became so depressed I lost sensation, I couldn't feel physical pain, heat, cold, almost anything.

You and Ryan were literally my only friends, I had others I could hang out with, but I didn't care about them and vice versa. Because of that, I didn't really know how to deal with people or friends well, still have that problem. I remember talking to you in the sun room once, I can't remember too much, but I knew you wanted to help me, and since I'm always so stubborn, you hit a brick wall. One weekend you weren't there, but Julia was, and upon talking to her, she told me that you were praying for me to find help. That has always stuck with me, and meant a great deal.

My depression has always been very deep. It got so bad, and I don't know if I should really get into this due to the nature of it, but here goes... I really was suicidal. I hurt for so long, had almost no one, I wanted my pain to stop. The cabin, your family, but mainly you and your brother was the reason I couldn't. I couldn't take you guys thinking less of me if I had, which I was damn close. I tried to tell you once, I believe it was around New Years. You, Ryan, and even Lindsey E were at the cabin. I don't remember what happened, I may have told you and you didn't believe me, or I chickened out, but right after, I told Julia. Her, Ted and Ashley talked to me about God forgiving me, accepting me, and me pushing through. Afterwards, I gained strength and made it through, still a lot of problems, but I've made a lot of progress.

In plain English, I feel I am here today because of your family. And your kindness was one of the profound reasons I didn't go through with it. I pray that this isn't painful to hear and reopen wounds, it is meant to show you just what you can do. I believe in telling someone what they can and have accomplished to encourage them to move forward. I believe just by being you, you have saved a life, and possibly more than one. I thank you and your family for being who you are, because I consider you family. I pray you can find strength in this. I hope it isn't too hard for you to hear, because I really think you can help others by being an inspiration and a confidant. I miss you guys. Smile, the world's a better place for it.

From Ryan

"If tomorrow starts without me
And I'm not there to see
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today
While thinking of the many things
We didn't get to say
I know how much you love me
As much as I love you
And each time that you think of me
I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
that an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
all those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I'd always thought!
I didn't want to die. I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
it seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all that we shared,
And all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
and maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss some tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity, And all I've promised you."
Today your life on earth is past,
but here life starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, But today will always last,
and since each day is the same way,
There's no longing for the past.
So when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart."


People comment on my strength and wonder how I can even muster up enough to write these. This is helpful and theraputic to me, and it's just as theraputic when others read them. It makes me feel good that they know Ryan, or are getting to know Ryan. Some of my friends from Baltimore that did not even know him, do now. It's an amazing feeling and just as the title of my blog says, this is my way of keeping Ryan with me each day, and alive in my memories and my heart. Thank you for reading.

When I'm Alone....

"But sister you know I'm so weary
And you know sister
My hearts been broken
Sometimes, sometimes
My mind is too strong to carry on
Too strong to carry on
I said brother, you know you know
It's a long road we've been walking on
Brother you know it is, you know it is
Such a long road we've been walking on..."
-Alexi Murdoch, "Orange Sky"

I am ok until I am alone and my mind immediately turns to you. To see your face in pictures... I thought the pain would start to fade. No such luck yet. Late at night it's the worse... as well as Sunday nights/Monday mornings.

My Dad must have known something was up this morning. He sent me a text that said "Have a good day Lynds - love ya!" and normally I respond right away because I'm getting ready or driving to work, but this morning I did not respond. I couldn't sleep last night so I slept in a little and got permission ahead of time to go into work a little late since I have no class first period. He followed it up with a text that said "Are you ok?" and then I said "Yea I'm ok but I'm going into work late..." and he goes "I thought so." I said "How did you know?" and he said "Sunday nights are rough..." True story.

Now I am carrying some more weight. I worry about someone in particular; my Mom. Anna and the girls are out now and I know she misses having people at the house, the hustle and the bustle. Please say some prayers for her because she is not taking it well and she needs visitors to make her smile and laugh!!!! My Mom has a heart of gold and loves doing things for people; I don't want that to change.

Speaking of, I've had two people come to me about serious advice. Both of these young ladies chose to come to me out of all the people in their lives and I think that speaks volumes. I love teaching for right now but I think someday I am going to want to put all this energy and experience into something a little more personal. Not necessarily a psychologist but something... where I can help people each day. To realize that life is not always perfect but it is a gift. It is precious. It is not easy and there are ups and downs but such is life. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Fall down 7 times get up 8. The longest staircase starts with the first step. I know Ryan would want me to.


I think God has big plans for me. I'm curious to see what they are. But no matter what I do, I know Ryan will be right there with me. Holding my hand....


"When I am alone
When I've thrown off the weight of this crazy stone
When I've lost all care for the things I own
That's when I miss you, that's when I miss you, that's when I miss you
You who are my home..."
-Alexi Murdoch, "Orange Sky"

Goodnight big bro,
Lynds