Four Years Today

Things happen in life that you can't stop, but that doesn't mean you should shut out the world. I remember this quote from one of my favorite movies from my childhood. I had no idea the significance that the quote would have for me today, years later.

Four years ago we lost Ryan to his lifelong battle with depression. Whenever the month of October approaches, there seems to be a heavy weight all around that tries to drag me down. Some people say that when you lose someone, you should spend your time and energy just remembering the good times and all the memories you had together with that person, which I usually try to do. But the date surrounding his actual death brings forth no good feelings, memories, or emotions. It's actually the only day of my life that I wish I could erase from my memory completely. Eventually October 12th passes and I can refocus and reflect only on the good times again. But this year Ryan's death is being overshadowed by the current state of my Aunt Julie, who is on her deathbed in hospice care at the young age of 42. I can't help but feel like I already lost the only sibling I have, and now I'll lose the closest thing I have to a sister. Growing up, both my Aunt Lori and my Aunt Julie were more than just Aunts to me. We were all so close and they both played such a prominent role in taking care of me that they were like 2nd mothers to me. The fact that I had so much fun with them and could go to them for advice and consolation when my family was experiencing difficulties is what made our bond more like sibilings.

The ultimate truth is that you can make all the plans in the world but God has the main plan. It is SO difficult for us to try and figure out what His plan is, and yet so easy to get angry when life does not seem fair; when the people we love so much are taken from us way too soon. But we just have to have faith and trust in Him that he knows our hearts and we need to believe that what He has in store for us is so much more than we could ever imagine. Sometimes it seems like eternity since I saw Ryan and I'm sure it will feel the same way once we lose Julie, but I truly believe that compared to eternity, it's only a short time that we are apart from our loved ones.

We all lose people we love, in some form or fashion, but anger won't make it easier, and tears won't bring them back. Each person is brought into our lives for a certain reason and with a purpose. If we could just focus on what they taught us and how we could give back to the world in a way that they would, then we could spend less time dwelling on their absence from our lives. This is what is difficult for me. I need to think about all the good qualities they possessed, what they would do in certain situations, and how I can make the world better by doing good things that I learned from them.

Charlie Chaplin once said, "Nothing is permanent in this world. Not even our troubles." So find a way to celebrate your own life, and the lives of those you lost. Smile because you are alive and breathing. Appreciate all of the time you did get to spend with the ones you loved and lost, and remember that even the longest day is only 24 hours.

I miss you every day big Bro... continue watching over our family. I hope that on the day Aunt Julie takes her last breath, you are the first person to greet her and give her the biggest hug anyone has ever felt.

RIP Ryan
6-15-81 -- 10-12-10

Love you!
Lil Sis

Three Years

The last time I was home, my Mom laid a blue notebook on my dresser. The notebook was labeled "Ryan M. Jasper, 3/07-10-29-07" and was slightly worn around the edges. As I began flipping through the pages of this journal, tears welled up in my eyes. Each page was filled with detailed accounts of interactions Ryan had on a daily basis. The more pages I turned, the more memories began to surface. Memories of phone calls made, letters exchanged, visits made. This journal that was from 2007 contains entries from the times that Ryan and I were the absolute closest we had ever been. I was 21 years old and he was 25, and we had finally gotten past the stage or arguing over petty things; more mature and intense conversations replaced the meaningless bickering. I was at a point in my life where I felt like I could talk to Ryan about anything and the same went for him. There wasn't a day that went by in that period of time where my name wasn't found on a journal entry, whether it be for a phone call he made to me, a voicemail he left me, a letter he received from me, pictures he received from me or sent to me, etc. He wrote about visits we had, how good they were, how often he worked out, what he did at the gym, when he played sports, who else he called, etc. Exact times were even listed. He mentions the names of friends of mine that reached out to him and wrote him letters, not only for me but because they genuinely cared about him and wanted to keep him company while he was away. These all warmed my heart all over again.

Growing up, I was always embarrassed that I had a sibling that wasn't quite like me, that got in trouble and spent time away and in prison. But looking back, I have so many letters and cards and drawings that I will have forever. I feel bad for people who lose a loved one and barely have anything to remember them by. They must feel like the memories slip away from them like water through your fingers. I have so many tokens of his love. I have friends and family that tell me that I always go out of my way to make people feel special or to show them that I care and I can see now that this is part of who my family is. This is where we came from. Ryan did the same thing; he was always leaving notes around the house for my Mom or making sure that people were taken care of over holidays, even if he wasn't there to take care of it himself. I take pride in knowing this is the kind of person I am and the kind of people that I was raised by and grew up with.

I also found this poem that my brother wrote me when he was a teenager, the height of times that were more difficult between the two of us. Our relationship was strained for the longest time but I think all that aside, we both had each others best interests at heart. We both cared for each other to the moon and back, and no one could understand what we had. It was unique, for sure. My Dad always told me that no matter how many times Ryan disappointed us, I still stood by him. I would get frustrated for sure, but at the end of the day, all I wanted was for him to be successful and on the right path.

So once again I find myself at my computer thinking of the best way to sum up the emotions associated with this day, yet stumble to find the words that could come close to conveying how I feel. I have struggled some this past month as I'm sure my parents have as well, but I do wake up each morning thankful to be alive and trying to find at least one thing to be thankful for each day. This particular year I am thankful for the artifacts I have found that bring me comfort. Pieces of the past that I will always keep in my possession. Pieces of the past that allow me to remember the good times AND the bad times, but most importantly all the times in between. Those are the memories that, especially during this time of year and on this particular day, I keep closest to my heart, helping to fill the hole.

Miss you every day big bro!

Love,
Your lil sis <3

Enough is enough

In light of the events that have occurred over the past few days, I felt the urge to write. There are specific times when I feel the need to write and vent and typically it’s when I feel my thoughts and emotions spiraling out of control a little bit and I need some sort of release. That is when I turn here.

This horrific event has impacted and will continue to impact many people in many different ways. For me, it stirs up some memories and feelings and concerns. It really hit home as I sat and watched all of these news reports. It is easy to point the finger of blame at guns but anyone with half a brain knows that it is the person behind the gun that is at fault. Sometimes even hearing or saying that word makes me sick to my stomach. Hearing that it was a suicide makes it even more sickening, but the sickest part of all was those innocent lives taken. So young and so much life ahead, which makes it that much more heart-wrenching.

I pray more than anything that despite all this, people do not let this harden their hearts, myself included. In times of darkness such as this, we need to strive every day to look for the light. Look for all the good that still exists because if you focus only on the tragedies and devastations, that is all you will see.
It is unfortunate that it took a tragic and heartless event such as this to make some changes in this country but it must be done and it must be done now. Yes , we need increased security, but not just gun control. More guns, not less, is not the solution. We need to do everything in our power to eliminate placing violent weapons in the hands of people who are mentally ill. We need to do whatever it takes to ensure these tragedies won’t happen again. We need more mental health resources, especially in schools, and easier access to mental help. We need to teach people how to identify signs, as some people are guilty of being ignorant of the clues, signs, and symptoms. You can’t always point the finger of blame at the parents or the family members and I say that from experience. Mental illness might be becoming more prevalent in society today but not everyone can identify the behaviors or diagnose.

It’s helpful to know that people all around the world are grieving for these people so that they don’t have to go through it alone. This tragedy is something that the families will not get over but something they will all get through. Continue to pray for those mourning, pray for our country, pray for our countries leaders, pray for those with mental illnesses and the people around them so that they may help identify the illnesses. Pray for yourself, that you won’t let this harden your heart or instill you with fear. But most of all, pray for the change that this country needs to see, now, so that an event like this will never strike our country again.
With the holidays coming, I know times will be difficult. I know what it’s like to lose someone I love. But I know what kind of person he was and I know that my angel above will take each of those 20 kids in his arms and hug them and watch over them. Until we can all join them again.

This holiday season, hug and hold close to the ones you love and care about. There are some people in the world who would do ANYTHING for just one more hug…

Signed,
Lil Sis

Two Years Today

After some pathetic attempts at sleep the past few nights, I finally decided it was time to write. In honor of the two year mark, I felt it was the least thing I could do to preserve the memory of my big brother.

Two years later, I have learned so much. Not just myself, but through others as well. Their kind words and the close friends that let me ramble on about memories and funny things that pop into mind over time. The memories are what make it easy to look back on. This day itself is only difficult because of the bad memories that I have of this day two years ago that I try not to ever think of. Sometimes I can't help it but I honestly try not to recall it.

I came across a letter a student wrote me shortly after I returned to school. The words hit my heart today, especially, as I know that life may not be easy for everyone but everyone has the same thing in common and that is that life happens to US ALL. We can take comfort in knowing that. Here is the letter and I hope you that, too, will find peace in anything you are struggling with, and that it speaks to you in some way also:

"Dear Ms. Jasper,
How formal is a big colorful card that says something like "feel better" or "I'm sorry"? Those things just cause an apathetic smile and nothing more. You've had a loss. The truth is, none of us know exactly how you feel. We all face losses, but these things affect everyone differently, and they're very dependent on different aspects. All I know is that for you, it hurt. I don't know you extremely well, just from in class, but you're courteous and your comments on my papers are always complimentary. I appreciate that you're a really nice person, and I highly doubt that you deserve what's happened. But you have to take into consideration that it's not your fault. These things happen to people, and that helpless, cold feeling -- it fades. I'm truly sorry for your situation, but I can tell that you're a strong-willed person (ha, if he only knew!). I see you getting through this, and it may not be easy, but it doesn't last forever; nothing does. I find it's easier to accept that in times like this. Take care of yourself Ms. Jasper, get some rest. You deserve it.

Sincerely,
Jade"

This student holds the truth of life in his hands. Life happens to us all, and even when it's not fair, it's no reason to hold in anger or hurt, against the world or anyone else in it.

I'd like to also recall a few words from Ryan's goodbye videos, as I'm sure some of it could apply to others as well.

Some of Ryan's last words: "Keep setting goals and keep pushing on."


"Be happy to have each other. Don't let this get you down. I know it will but don't let it for too long."

"My last wishes are stick together, everyone give each other a hug for me." He said he thanks us all for such a wonderful life; so many beautiful memories and happy times. He was so blessed to have such a wonderful family... he said "we have a big family... if I sit here and try to name everybody I might change my mind!" and then he laughed really hard through more tears and wiped his face....

"Family is the most important thing. Friends come and go, people come and go, but your family is always there for you." I could not ask for a better family, and the friends and coworkers that have become my second family. Even if it's only once a year that I say it, please know that I am beyond grateful for all of the love and companionship.



"I've got two beautiful little girls and everytime I look at them they remind me of you. And they are really gonna need their Aunt Lyndsay ya know? And let them know how much I love them... tell them the good things. I want them to know who I was, and you know me better than anybody.... you and Mom."

"I'm not worried about you because....I already know you're gonna be fine. You're strong, you're smart, you're a leader, you're funny.... and someday, somebody is gonna be very luck to have you. You're gonna make a great wife to some lucky guy."

"Watch out for my kids. Give Mom lots of hugs. We've got a WONDERFUL mother."

"Don't take anybody for granted ya know I know you don't but see Mom and Dad and Grammy and Poppop as much as you can. I've always said to have a good friend be a good friend. Don't let anyone treat you bad. And remember that I'm always with you. I love you."

"Take my lil girls to the park, make sure they date good guys that treat them well." Those two little girls hold the key to my heart and I am beyond thankful that they are so well taken care of and have the best Mommy. They are growing up so insanely fast and their personalities are quirky and very entertaining to say the least haha. Both have a sense of humor and both possess qualities that I used to see in Ryan.

"You are a wonderful little sister and I thank you, for everything. And um, like I said, out of everyone's videos I am making, I know out of everybody you're gonna be alright because... you just are. You're a freakin' Jasper! But, I love you SO much, and thank you for the good times, thank you for standing by my side and believing in me when other people didn't."

Maybe each of us could be that one person that believes in others when it seems they have nowhere else to turn, whether it be a sibling, parent, spouse, student, or even a stranger -- careful now ;)

"I love you, and I'll always be by your side. Anytime you need me just look up."

Every single day big bro <3

Greens, Blues, and Whites

Greens, Blues, and Whites
By Lyndsay M. Jasper

The hand of fate
reaches down.
Firm grasp;
muscles tense,
small flip of the wrist and
suddenly
the marble swirled
with greens, blues, and whites
turned
upside down.
Nothing here remains the same.
"Change is good" many say.
"Change is the law of life."
Sure, I certainly contest,
yet the words flow
so much easier,
so much more freely
from the mouth of a man
whose feet are firmly planted
on the ground,
from the mouth of a man
who can actually stand
two feet
grounded,
away from the edge
of this marble
swirled with greens, blues, and whites.

When the Tide Rushed In

When the Tide Rushed In
By Lyndsay M. Jasper


How can one navigate a ship
When tangential tides can no longer be predicted
Are predictions not the beauty in vast oceans waves?
Predictions turn to capricious turns and tides
With two very similar entities from God
The sun, strong-willed and suggestive
The moon, determined and dominating
Two separate forces come together
Their changing positions far from gradual
The earth’s ocean surface constantly rises and falls
As tidal forces of both the moon and sun
Aggressively act on the oceans.
Tidal streams affect previously established dreams
Outside forces
The shape of the sea floor
Strong winds
The tide pays much attention to obstructions of pattern
Gravitational fields
Constant pulling and tension
A release.
Tides that used to only vary in manner and space
Once again vary in place.
Just days before the low tide rushed in
Strips of seashore were exposed
It’s high time that high tide emerge
Now the seashore has been submerged.

Inspire.

I don't really consider myself a writer, but I have been feeling a bit of "writers block" lately and it's been about a month since I've written in my blog. I have been thinking about a lot and I have a lot to say (as usual) but nothing seemed to move me enough to get me here. Until tonight...

While I was at the gym, I received a message on Facebook from a previous teacher. The message reads as follows:

"While our interaction stems from years past, I just have to tell you how inspirational you are to me. I enjoy your posts on FB - - - most recently, from the words of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross to the pictures of beautiful skies - - - because these posts reflect the real lives that we all live. I am also reinforced in my core values by witnessing you face the "highs and lows" of life head on in an honest, sincere, and thoughtful perspective. So, the teacher becomes the student in this case...... Congratulations to you on your career and all your other endeavors! Good luck to you as you proceed forward. (And it looks like you had a great time in Williamsport over the past holiday season.)"

This really made my day. It really got me thinking about the things people can do on a daily basis that might require a little "going out of the way".... but that going out of the way can go such a LONG way.

Even tonight, as I moved around the gym, so many people looked... blah! No one smiled. Not one person. And you're probably thinking, so, it's a gym.... but what if that one smile is the one thing that could make or break someones day? How many times a day are each and every one of us given the opportunity to reach out to others. You don't know who is struggling... some people are incredibly talented at hiding their pain.

The message refers to a quote I had put on my page earlier... a quote I got out of a book I received for Christmas from my very dear friend Allison Scott.

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, know struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep, loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen...."

-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

I love this quote because of all the truth it possesses. True beauty is not only found within, but it is a product of everything that we experience... defeat, suffering, loss, etc.

This past year has not been easy. There have been days when I felt my heart could burst with different emotions. Life stops for no one. There are no time outs. My brothers last words replay over and over in my mind at times... "I know you'll be ok" he said. "You are smart, you are strong, you are a leader... you are a JASPER!"

I may not have had the most perfect like growing up, and for many of you know who me and know me well... I have had my fair share of trials and tribulations. But life has no time outs and does not stop for anyone. You have to make the best out of each and every situation, push on when circumstances seem unsurmountable, and try to look at each obstacle as a challenge and then a blessing. Things happen as they should; I don't believe in accidents. It's up to us how we handle both the blessings and the challenges in life.

I don't know what it is that makes me appreciate life so much. I want to live my life like it can be taken away tomorrow because it can. When you experience a loss so close to you, there is no better lesson.



Thank you Mr. B, for your very kind words. This teacher became the student again... you made my day through your inspiring words.


Lyndsay

Merry Christmas

"Since heaven has become your home
I sometimes feel I'm so alone;
And though we now are far apart
You hold a big piece of my heart.
I never knew how much I'd grieve
When it was time for you to leave,
Or just how much my heart would ache
From that one fragment you would take.
God lets this tender hole remain
Reminding me we'll meet again,
And one day all the pain will cease
When he restores this missing piece.
He'll turn to joy my every tear
And when I wear this necklace near
It will become my special way
To treasure our reunion day..."

Merry Christmas Big Bro and BBC!!! haha
Love,
Lil Sis

In The Arms of an Angel

Just when I was beginning to feel grief over the absence of Ryan during the holidays, I received a heart-warming email from a friend. It couldn't have come at a better time:

"Hey Jasp,

I know it's been a while since we've talked, but something happened last year at this time that really struck me... I have been debating whether or not to reach out to you about it, and then I saw your facebook status about your brother....

Last year right around Christmas, Jason and I were walking through our mall and it was completely packed with people getting christmas gifts, etc... We were trying to navigate through he crowds in the main area of the mall and I was getting really irritated and frustrated because people were being really pushy and it was really difficult to get through all the traffic... Then, there was this random man standing to my left walking in the opposite direction and we locked eyes... I know this sounds SO strange but I thought immediately, "That's Ryan"... It was his eyes... I wasn't thinking about you or your brother so it was completely random that he came to mind... I just felt like this man was carrying your brother's spirit... I never even met your brother, and i've only seen him in pictures... but in my mind it was undoubtably him.. He looked at me, smiled and kept moving... I just had this crazy feeling like I had seen an angel... He was like a figure of peace and happiness in the midst of the mall chaos... I know how crazy this all sounds, but it really really struck me... I told Jason about it later that night because it was still on my mind, and I have been debating about telling you ever since...

I wanted to share this with you because I personally believe in angels and that people don't ever really leave us.... I know this time of year must be especially hard for you and your family... I guess I didn't tell you about this sooner because I didn't know if it would upset you or make you happy... I hope it's the latter and that you can smile about it...

Anyways, I hope you are doing well and that you have a wonderful Christmas...
Love,
Aubs"

It's refreshing to read uplifting messages of hope, especially around this time of year. The Holidays were a challenge last year but we got through it so I know we can this year as well. I feel Ryans presence around me often and I know that he is watching over all of us. I guess I just keep waiting to see him again and that feeling of waiting and waiting is not comforting. Still coming to terms with everything I suppose.

All that aside, I know Ryan will be with us this holiday season. His presence is not forgotten; he is with us all the time. Even when we don't know it.

Merry Christmas Eve....

Missing him,
Lynds

Beneath an Orange Sky

I went to see Jack and Jill last night. It was pretty funny. Just really got me thinking towards the end and on my drive home...

In the movie the sister comes to visit her twin brother and spend time with him and his children. I started thinking about how someday when I have kids, they will never get the privilege to meet their Uncle Ryan or spend time with him. My kids will know him other than what I tell them, and they will never have the opportunity to get picked on by him or spend holidays with him. This made me really sad.

This morning I was looking at the one bookshelf we have dedicated to him in our house with all of his things on it and his ashes and pictures and his little black cowboy hat. I thought back to the past year and how far we have all come dealing it; how much we have healed and how much of the pain has subsided, but there is that hole in my heart that I truly never believe will be filled. I miss him a lot and especially during the holidays, but even more so as I am heading back to Baltimore and away from home and all the people and things and places that remind me of him. So much to think about and I just have to keep pusing forward.

Last night Mom and I were remembering a few lines Ryan would always say to us. And how we used to love eating Mandarin Oranges and we remembered how Ryan never use to sleep in his bedroom; only the basement or on the couch. Or how he really never slept much at all. All the little characteristics and behaviors that were very typical of Ryan but all defined who he was -- just makes me smile recalling them.

I was in the hot tub last night and I couldn't help but to stare up at the sky for a while... looking at the stars. Ryan told me - "If you ever need me just look up." I feel his presence when I look up at the sky at night. But my mind wanders and I am honest when I say I get faced with many internal questions when I think about death and God and heaven, and what he looks like to this day or if he is just a spirit or if he spends time with God or if he can see us or hear us or if he wants to talk to us and if he is watching over us and if he misses us or are all these things impossible once someone dies? I guess that death is truly a mystery and you don't realize it until you lose someone very dear to you. I promise you might not even really truly ponder these questions of life and death until that actually happens to you. I know I never did until now.

"Oh well you know I am so weary
And you know my hearts been broken now
Sometimes sometimes my mind is....
Toooooo strong
To carry on....

When I am alone...
When I've thrown off the weight of this crazy stone
When I've lost all care for the things I own
That's when I miss you
You who are my home
You who are my home..."
-Alexi Murdoch, Orange Sky

Thankful for your love this past Thanksgiving. Tough love. Rough love. Important love. Special love. Missed love...........

Lil Sis

One Year Later...

In 4 days, it will be exactly one year since I lost my big brother and the other half of my heart. In 4 days, I will do whatever it takes to get out of bed. In 4 days I will go to work and do what I need to do, and then after school I will walk out to the soccer field where I received the worst phone call of my life. In 4 days, I will have to be the strongest person I can be, and that Ryan would want me to be.

The entire month of October has been a challenge so far; for some reason when I stopped writing "9" on the chalkboard and began writing "10" a sick feeling came over me. I almost wish I could just skip October altogether. We all knew when it arrived it would be difficult but it just seems that the second you start getting over something, you are smacked in the face with all too familiar settings and scenarios of the year before.

A few people have been asking for another blog -- and I write when I need to. I just figured I would take the time to write when I actually do have the time because I know this week will be busy with soccer and Grad class. I guess I just want to say that although the week will be challenging and heavy on the heart and mind, all I can do is look back to the good times because that was one of Ryan's last requests. As I posted on his Memorial page a few weeks ago, I am so thankful for all the memories growing up that no one will ever truly understand...all the times we watched Beavis and Butthead and Drop Dead Fred and Stand By Me..hours and hours of Jail Break and you dressing me up in all black so I could hide from all the neighbors successfully... playing on the tire swing, swimming in the Nye's pool, taking me for tractor rides, and a million other memories I have of fun times growing up.....telling me there were crocodiles under the bed so I did not leave your side when I snuck into your bedroom at night, telling my Freddy Kreuger lived in the white thing at the bottom of the pool and under the bath tub, telling me I was adopted hahaha....you are someone who truly taught me the real meaning of "Tough Love..." ♥

When you first left us one of my biggest fears was that I would forget all these things or the memories would start to leave me as time passed on but that that is not the case at all; you come to mind at least once a day if not more and although I miss you like crazy and could really go for some hugs from you, I feel you with me when I need you most. You told me that whenever I need you I should just look up and that is just what I do.

We are really gonna need you this week Ry-Pie.... me, Mom, Dad, and the rest of your family. This weekend we will celebrate your life again, with support of all our family and friends, and I know you will be there with us.

On March 4th 2004 my brother wrote "many times in life we all do things to distract us from our own hurt or feelings but if we don't deal with the problem it never goes away and one can never feel alright with oneself." I struggle with this sometimes; I need to get it all out and not bottle it up so that the feelings go away. Just like I was told a year ago, we will never get over it but we WILL get through it.

Found this in my hope chest written by Ryan:

"Star light, star bright, I wish I could see the stars tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wishes I wish tonight.
I wish I could save evreyone I see
But why Oh Lord can't I save me?"

Big hugs going up to you tonight big bro.... gosh I miss you like crazy =( <3
Love always,
Lil Sis

Small Talk

I have been thinking about my brother so much lately and I have just realized why, which lead me to this blog. It's been almost 11 months since he's been gone and that is really hard for me to go that long without talking to him. I have some things I want to talk to him and only him about and what choice do I have? I am just really missing him and would do anything in the world to be able to pick up the phone and call him; to hear his voice again. I put his memorial DVD in tonight thinking that would help but it didn't. It's just not the same.

I still struggle with this, in my own way, on a daily basis, but I know this has helped me become a stronger person and will continue to do so. I know that I will someday take this situation and put all my energy into helping someone else, in whatever way that will be. Maybe it's already in the works.

We were just talking about Ryan yesterday and how he used to dance all crazy and hold the brim of his hat while he danced. I started thinking about all the crazy things he did and how he surely lived your entire life in 30 years! Things like that bring me a little bit of comfort. Comfort to my family as well.

I miss all his crazy faces and that big smile and the crazy times like the time I picked him up from Retreat and we went to the store and he was amazed that Gatorade bottles now had twist tops. All those times I went to visit him.... I loved each and every visit because it was just the two of us talking about anything and everything in the world.

Tears roll down as I watch this video and think of all the years left Ryan had to live and how many things he is missing out on. I just graduated a few weeks ago and it made me sad to realize he was not there to be a part of it but then I realized he was. He wouldn't have missed it for the world.

I just get so down when I think about it sometimes, and angry at the same time, because I want to change it and can't. I know I shouldn't be angry but I guess that's natural. I get angry the more time passes because each month that passes is another month from the last time I saw him and talked to him. It is hard to keep spirits up and memories alive. Everyone else may forget but until you experience a loss similar to the loss of a sibiling, you never forget. It never really leaves your mind. Sometimes I get distracted and think about other things but then my mind will take me back at least once a day. I pray God continues to heal my heart and the hearts of my family, whenever we get to missing him. Missing seeing him, and most of all, missing talking with him. Just a few thoughts I needed to get off my chest....


Missing you big bro, more than you know....

Lil Sis

Somewhere Out There

It's crazy the things that can trigger a meltdown. Today Mom emailed me a sound clip from a new Ad at the Salon, promoting deals for Wedding Season. At the very end of the Ad is a cut of Ryan's voice from when he used to make his own ads. I knew that Ad was new so when I heard him, I guess I just wasn't expecting it -- to hear his voice so loud and clear; it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I sit here tonight, smiling and laughing and crying at some of the memories family have posted the past few days, now that 6 months have passed. It's still so hard for me when my mind gets to that place where I remember everything. How many times can you say you miss someone until it sinks in that you just won't ever see them again?

The other day we were watching TV and an Ad came on for "An American Tale" and I almost lost it. Ryan and I used to LOVE that movie, and at that point, many years later, one of the songs really fit us. Ryan was away and we were writing back and forth evrey few days and I remember it like yesterday... I mentioned that movie to him to see if he remembered watching it as kids and he certainly did. I even remember printing out the lyrics for him and sending them to him. The lyrics were from the song where the brother and sister got split up and they were singing to each from miles away...

Bro: Somewhere out there,
beneath the pale moonlight,
someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight.

Sis: Somewhere out there,
someone's saying a prayer,
that we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there.

Bro: And even though I know how very far apart we are,
it helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star.

Sis: And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby,
it helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky.

Together: Somewhere out there,
if love can see us through,
then we'll be together, somewhere out there,
out where dreams come true.

I really loved this song and the lyrics, even though it was from a cartoon, because at that particular time in our lives, Ryan was away from me but we were still sleeping under the same moon and looking up at the same stars.

Now it's him that I see when I look up at that same moon and those same stars...

Miss you Ry-Pie
<3 Lil Sis

Here is the Piano version of the song without words...
Somewhere Out There...: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyVSvDPv4RM

Flipping the Bird

I thought of Ryan so many times today. When I was teaching Romeo and Juliet to my freshmen, we were discussing how to "bite one's thumb" is a rude gesture for some cultures, and they mentioned the similarities between that and giving someone the finger.

I immediately thought of how Ryan taught me how to "flip the bird" when we were growing up. The first time I used it was when Ryan and I were about 5 and 9. We were at the babysitters house and her house faced another house. The neighbor kids were looking out the window and Ryan told me to flip them the bird so I did. Let's just say it was not met with enthusiasm haha.

One day my Grammy Jasper took my cousin and I out and about for the day. As we were leaving the gas station, apparently we weren't exiting quickly enough for the asshole behind us because he began honking his horn obnoxiously at us, flailing his arms and trying to say something through the glass. I was sitting in the very back of Gram's station wagon, which faces backwards so I was staring at this impatient man right in the face. I got mad that he was being mean to my Gram so once again I did what my brother would have me do... I flipped him the bird. He proceeded to get out of his car and snarled at me, approached my Gram, and told her that the reason he was honking and yelling was because we were pulling away with our gas lid still hanging off. My grandmother was mortified and let's just say I wasn't the favorite grandaughter that day.... Ryan would have been proud though! Haha....


Time to get some sleep....
Lil Sis

Queen of Hearts

Despite the irony, I always spoke to Ryan about my relationships. The people I dated were never quite good enough for me, in Ryan's eyes, for one reason or another. Ryan knew me on a different level than some; he knew my heart....

It always made me feel so good that whenever he talked about me to other people, friends, family, or even strangers, he ALWAYS said that I was his lil sis and I had a heart bigger than anyone he knew....

I've spent the last few nights thinking over things in my head. I came across the blog I wrote after watching Ryan's goodbye video and one of the things that really spoke to me in that particular time of my life was when he said... "And don't.... don't let anyone treat you bad!" and I know he never would have allowed it.

I won't sit here and write some angry and bitter blog because that's not my style and it's not even worth the wasted words; but this is how I express what I am feeling and I do write these to help not only others but also myself.

I was vulnerable in a time of tragedy and made some poor choices that I can't take back. But my advice to others, and the advice I gave to my students just last Friday... is this. Always trust your gut. You might hear things and others are not always to be trusted.... but you can always trust YOURSELF. If you do not feel something is right, do not push those feelings to the side and try to ignore them. I spent the last three months doing that and I'm kicking myself in the ass for it. The other advice is don't let anyone treat you badly... life is far too short.

Find someone who will put into it, just as much as you will. Find someone who wants to give 100%, not somewhat, and certainly not sometimes. So today I walk away, making not only myself proud, but also my big bro.


Sometimes our hearts take us to places that can never lead to a happy ending... and sometimes its up to us to get us right back where we belong.


Missing him more and more, especially when I need his advice....
Lil sis

Star Light, Star Bright

It's not hard for Mom or me to come across little pieces of Ryan on a daily basis. He was always full of surprises, and constantly did little things to show he cared. One day he walked into my Mom's office and handed her a little single rose.... fake, but nonetheless, adorable. Little tokens of his love and he never missed an "I'm just thinking of you" opportunity. The rose sits here on her desk as I type now.

Mom came across this poem Ryan wrote on February 29, 2004 and so in honor of Valentines's Day, the rose, and this poem... I felt compelled to share.

Here goes...

Star light, star bright
I wish I could see all the stars tonight.
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have the wishes I wish tonight...

I wish when I was younger I listened to Mom and Dad
I wish when I was younger, I wasn't quite so bad
I wish I knew then, what I know now
I wish from the beginning I knew how
To be the young man you wanted me to be
Why, Dear Lord, was this so hard for me?

I wish I was stronger than I feel now
I'm tired and weak
It's the Lord's help I seek

I wish to be forgiven for all my wrongs
I wish you could feel how my heart longs
To take back all the hurt and goodness I'd insert.

I wish the world was always a happy place
Where everyone has a smile upon their face.
I wish all could see the care in my heart
As a beautiful picture painted as art.

I wish all who are cold go where it's warm
I wish all who are wet were out of the storm.

I wish all knew love and none felt hate
I wish we could all pick our own fate.

I wish I had a book with all the answers we seek
When came a question, I'd just take a peek.

In closing to all, family and friends
And also to strangers and lives that just began
I say once more but never again
Now it's back to where it all began.

Star light, star bright
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have the wishes I wish tonight....

By Ryan M. Jasper


*This makes my heart ache, at the time just seeing it as a nice poem with rhyming words, looking back knowing these words were his cry for help and his longing for peace. He felt tired and week back in 2004, but tired and weak, he feels no more.


Reading this makes me want to help people, any second I get, try to find peace and happiness in their own lives. Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times.

This year, you can be my Valentine big bro. Love and miss you EVERY DAY!!!!!

Love,
Your lil sis

Ashes to Ashes...

On January 1, 2011... the first day of the new year.... my family and I held the remains of my brother, Ryan, in between our fingers. I can't begin to explain what that felt like, to look down and see someone so cared for and missed in the palms of our hands, a million different pieces. We all moved in close and said some prayers. Some shared memories and thoughts, while others just sank their heads quietly in deep thought, at a loss for words.

We spread the ashes up in Canton, PA where our cabin is.... up at the big pond, where Ryan and I spent a ton of time when we were little, racing around on four-wheelers, fishing, swimming, and ice-skating in the winter. This was truly one of Ryan's favorite places to be. This is where Ryan was in his last few hours where he made our goodbye videos.

Not a day goes by that I do not think of Ryan, and I'm sure same goes to each of us in the family, as well as some close friends. The holidays were surely a challenge... things were just not the same. Some lost any desire to decorate, celebrate, be around other people, etc. but they all pushed through.... because they knew Ryan would want them to. I have come to terms with the fact that holidays will always be difficult, as well as the entire month of October, and the twelfth of each and every month that passed. It has been three months today since Ryan has been gone. Somedays it feels like it was just yesterday.... other days it feels like it's been years and years because time slows down sometimes... or maybe we just want it to. Life moves quickly. Things happen in the blink of an eye. Things we can't change; things we can.

Lastly, I'd like to apologize for waiting so long to write. I really have no explanation for why I stopped writing. A lot of people have asked my why I stopped and I wasn't sure what to say. For once in my life, I had no answer. I reassured people with "Oh yeah... I need to soon." or "I will soon!" but I knew deep down I wouldn't. Not yet. As I was running tonight, I realized a few things. When things go wrong or bad, I tend to try to block it out of my mind and my memory, or brush it under the rug, if you will. (Wonder where I got that from.... Ahem, Momma....). Anyway, everyone knows people go through stages when they are faced with loss. I realized that to me, not blogging was my way of denying that I was writing in a website to keep my brother alive..........


Until next time....

"In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return."

Miss you big bro,
<3 Lil sis

Simply....

“Simply”
By Ryan Jasper
May 2007

I’d simply like to feel like love, faith, hope, honesty, family, and I want true friendships to really mean something and held more value with more people…

It’s so easy to say they do, but yet the actions of so many people prove otherwise. “What’s important to you is really only important if your actions show this…”

People are so easily influenced by outside factors and let small things that are meaningless come between the things that should really matter…

We should all be the person someone else can always count on and hopefully that’s returned. Life is too short to live an empty life...

Extend a part of who you are every day and you’re able to love the person you’ll truly become…

Ryan Matthew Jasper
May 2007


So true... keep things simple. There's no room for petty things anymore. Extend yourselves to those you love. To have a good friend, be a good friend, Ryan always said. He was one person a lot of people could count on. Let's all try to be the one person other people can always count on <3 Thank you to all those who HE could count on.

-L J

Hope Floats

I can't sleep. What I find myself doing when I can't sleep, call me crazy, is looking for traces. Looking in albums for pictures I haven't discovered yet, things he gave me, letters on my computer, letters he sent me. I don't know if this is normal or not but as soon as I find something it is like temporary relief. I mean let's be honest it hasn't even been much more than a month yet... it's still fresh even if it isn't for anyone else. You don't know someone 25 years and then forget after 50 days.

Here is a letter I wrote to him 3 years ago. Makes me smile.

September 4, 2007
Ry-Pie,

After receiving your last two letters, I’m going to start my response out with a quote…

“Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what Momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.”
- Hope Floats

Good one, huh? I just watched that movie - I bought it at Wal-mart over the weekend for only $5 – that’s a deal. That’s almost how much rentals are now so it’s worth it to just buy. Anyway enough about that… it was really nice seeing you Sunday! I’m glad Pat and I managed to pull that off. We have been planning that for well over a month now. I sent out all of your pictures today so you should have them (hopefully) by Thursday or Friday, but definitely before the weekend. Add up the cost of the pics, the postage, and the envelopes and my labor costs for standing there scanning in all of those pics and that’s about $100… it took me forever haha. Like over an hour, but that’s okay. I saw Anson while I was there… do you remember him? I showed him your pic standing next to your painting and he thinks you’ve really got talent. Did you ever consider being a graphic artist for books… like children’s books? You should. That would be awesome! Or maybe I can publish something and you can be the artist haha.

Well onto your letter… I found your letter to be very interesting because even though you have been in there quite some time, you pointed things out to me that I never would have even considered, just how different people are and yes, you’ve changed a little, but them moreso because they are out here in the real world where life changes at an ever so rapid pace – constantly. Your change occurs in different increments since you are in there. I noticed this about some of my younger friends… they may not have changed at all, but I have matured, and so now they seem even less mature to me when I am around them. It’s so funny that you wrote about all this stuff before you, me, and Pat had the conversation about the Gatorage lids because it all goes along the same lines… outside of where you are, life is changing at an unbelievable pace.

A quote from Grey’s Anatomy would fit great right here…

"Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us can wants, is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go."

There is so much truth in that statement because time doesn’t wait for ANYONE. If something occurs to you in your life, the world is not put on hold to cater to you. You are expected to pick yourself up onto your own two feet and keep on walking. There are no time-outs and no pause buttons in life. However, this can sometimes be used to your advantage. It allows people like you to sit back and see the world from a different perspective – one that is changing at a much slower pace because you are in the same place doing the same things. You notice things that all of us out here do not because we are distracted by the everyday advancements and changes going on all around us. Consider yourself lucky. I think you need to look at your situation as one similar to Emerson or Thoreau… they both went out into nature and away from society for a season or two. Actually, now that I think about it… Thoreau stayed at a cabin on land that belonged to Emerson for like TWO years!

Anyway wow I just went off on a wild tangent (it happens) but you get the point! There are pro’s and con’s to your situation. When you get out of there, you will appreciate many things much more than most people – you will not take things for granted, and that is an easy trap to fall into these days! I know that I am not perfect, but one thing I can say about myself is that I definitely enjoy and appreciate even the littlest of things. Like, just the other day I was leaving the house and 3 deer were in the yard and I got SO close to them in my car and then when I got right up on them, they all darted across the yard but they are really beautiful creatures and they looked so perfect. The green grass and blue sky behind them didn’t hurt the scene either haha. Just little stuff like that, I always say a prayer and just say THANK YOU LORD! Even just to wake up some days, or to have made it through another day. I know you are like that too, so it must have been how we were raised.

Sounds like you need to get to bed earlier and get some more sleep if you’re going to bed at 12:30 and getting up at 6. Well, it’s about my bedtime now. I’m gonna go take my contacts out then read for a bit. Then it’s time for some shuteye!
Love you! Peace out girl scout! Write back soon!
Lynds"


So isn't it funny... I go to find something from him and it's just what I need. "Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us can wants, is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go."

It's ok to feel what I feel. Time might move on but, the feelings I have aren't quite there yet. The other quote, beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most.... this comforts me. You lived your life to the fullest in the middle and you are at peace now. No more pain, struggle, confusion, or hopelessness. I just need to keep telling myself that, each morning and night. For me, those are the toughest... the stuff in the middle is easy.

I'm just going to give hope a chance to float up.... and it will.

Missing you a lot these past few days,
-Lil Sis

A Safe Place

I have no words tonight. Walked home tonight from dinner with a friend and all I could think about was you. I guess I am just having an off night. The tears are coming easy tonight. Whenever I hear you have graced us with your presence, I get so emotional.

Mom and Anna were at a store tonight and my little cousin Rosie was with them. She is very, very sensitive to things and she can sometimes sense things. She has a special gift. She said there was bright white light walking behind them, and then when Anna tried a coat on, Ryan wrapped his arms around her. We can all believe what we want but I believe he is around. I feel his presence.

Instead of talking, I'll just post the poem I wrote him 3 years ago when he was away. Some of you have already read it but, it never hurts to revisit things.

A Safe Place
To Ryan from Lyndsay
Christmas 2007

1981
Beautiful baby boy enters the world
A little mischievous, a little unsure
Staring out into the great unknown
Wondering if this is the place he'll always call home

1985
A little girl arrives in the middle of May
Much to the little boys' dismay
Competing for the love and affection of Mom and Dad
No one knew the affect this would someday have

1988
At times, being a big brother wasn't such a bad thing
He taught her new words and also how to sing
She held his hand and he lead the way
She trusted everything he did and everything he would say

1991
Every night she snuck through his door
Only to be caught when her footsteps reached the creaky wooden floor
He tells her alligators are under the bed to scare her away
But really, she knows he just wants her to stay

1994
She helps him with his spelling words each night
But that doesn't matter – they still fight
Things got rough; they avoid each other
Sounds kind of like their Father and Mother

1996
At school today, he got in a fight
A knock on the door, on goes the light
Teacher comes to the house for a meeting
She's hoping and praying this doesn't result in a beating

1997
She hides in her room with the music up loud
Studies hard to make her parents proud
Doesn't want to head down the wrong path
It's been done before – she's seen the aftermath

1999
He's out on the street all alone
She wishes he would just come home
If only they could get along
The road ahead wouldn't seem so long

2001
Happy 16th – here's a car!
Keep up the good work, you'll go far!
So much pressure for the shoulders of one
He thought her life was all games and fun

2003
She walks up to get her diploma
All dressed up in her cap and gown
Looks up to the bleachers
But he's nowhere to be found

2005
He's still up state behind the cold bars
She's lost her first love – nothing but heartache and scars
He has a girl who cannot speak
Her love had faded; their bond grew weak

2007
Similar outfit, her cap and gown
Looks up into the bleachers – he's still out of town
She hears the words projecting from the speaker say
"Let's pay a minute of respect for those who couldn't make it today."

2007
It's his turn to shine; it's finally his turn!
In his cap and gown, because of all that he's learned
Yeah he was knocked over but never fell down
Picked up his life and got up off the ground

When she thinks back on all the times he couldn't be there
It makes her realize that life isn't always fair
But everything she thought he missed
He never really missed at all
He was there with her for it all
Tucked up inside a little ball
Inside a safe place inside her heart
Because that's where he's been, ever since the start.
-Lyndsay M. Jasper

November 2007

I miss you big bro, with all my empty heart.
-Lil Sis