In 4 days, it will be exactly one year since I lost my big brother and the other half of my heart. In 4 days, I will do whatever it takes to get out of bed. In 4 days I will go to work and do what I need to do, and then after school I will walk out to the soccer field where I received the worst phone call of my life. In 4 days, I will have to be the strongest person I can be, and that Ryan would want me to be.
The entire month of October has been a challenge so far; for some reason when I stopped writing "9" on the chalkboard and began writing "10" a sick feeling came over me. I almost wish I could just skip October altogether. We all knew when it arrived it would be difficult but it just seems that the second you start getting over something, you are smacked in the face with all too familiar settings and scenarios of the year before.
A few people have been asking for another blog -- and I write when I need to. I just figured I would take the time to write when I actually do have the time because I know this week will be busy with soccer and Grad class. I guess I just want to say that although the week will be challenging and heavy on the heart and mind, all I can do is look back to the good times because that was one of Ryan's last requests. As I posted on his Memorial page a few weeks ago, I am so thankful for all the memories growing up that no one will ever truly understand...all the times we watched Beavis and Butthead and Drop Dead Fred and Stand By Me..hours and hours of Jail Break and you dressing me up in all black so I could hide from all the neighbors successfully... playing on the tire swing, swimming in the Nye's pool, taking me for tractor rides, and a million other memories I have of fun times growing up.....telling me there were crocodiles under the bed so I did not leave your side when I snuck into your bedroom at night, telling my Freddy Kreuger lived in the white thing at the bottom of the pool and under the bath tub, telling me I was adopted hahaha....you are someone who truly taught me the real meaning of "Tough Love..." ♥
When you first left us one of my biggest fears was that I would forget all these things or the memories would start to leave me as time passed on but that that is not the case at all; you come to mind at least once a day if not more and although I miss you like crazy and could really go for some hugs from you, I feel you with me when I need you most. You told me that whenever I need you I should just look up and that is just what I do.
We are really gonna need you this week Ry-Pie.... me, Mom, Dad, and the rest of your family. This weekend we will celebrate your life again, with support of all our family and friends, and I know you will be there with us.
On March 4th 2004 my brother wrote "many times in life we all do things to distract us from our own hurt or feelings but if we don't deal with the problem it never goes away and one can never feel alright with oneself." I struggle with this sometimes; I need to get it all out and not bottle it up so that the feelings go away. Just like I was told a year ago, we will never get over it but we WILL get through it.
Found this in my hope chest written by Ryan:
"Star light, star bright, I wish I could see the stars tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wishes I wish tonight.
I wish I could save evreyone I see
But why Oh Lord can't I save me?"
Big hugs going up to you tonight big bro.... gosh I miss you like crazy =( <3
Love always,
Lil Sis
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