Simply....

“Simply”
By Ryan Jasper
May 2007

I’d simply like to feel like love, faith, hope, honesty, family, and I want true friendships to really mean something and held more value with more people…

It’s so easy to say they do, but yet the actions of so many people prove otherwise. “What’s important to you is really only important if your actions show this…”

People are so easily influenced by outside factors and let small things that are meaningless come between the things that should really matter…

We should all be the person someone else can always count on and hopefully that’s returned. Life is too short to live an empty life...

Extend a part of who you are every day and you’re able to love the person you’ll truly become…

Ryan Matthew Jasper
May 2007


So true... keep things simple. There's no room for petty things anymore. Extend yourselves to those you love. To have a good friend, be a good friend, Ryan always said. He was one person a lot of people could count on. Let's all try to be the one person other people can always count on <3 Thank you to all those who HE could count on.

-L J

Hope Floats

I can't sleep. What I find myself doing when I can't sleep, call me crazy, is looking for traces. Looking in albums for pictures I haven't discovered yet, things he gave me, letters on my computer, letters he sent me. I don't know if this is normal or not but as soon as I find something it is like temporary relief. I mean let's be honest it hasn't even been much more than a month yet... it's still fresh even if it isn't for anyone else. You don't know someone 25 years and then forget after 50 days.

Here is a letter I wrote to him 3 years ago. Makes me smile.

September 4, 2007
Ry-Pie,

After receiving your last two letters, I’m going to start my response out with a quote…

“Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what Momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.”
- Hope Floats

Good one, huh? I just watched that movie - I bought it at Wal-mart over the weekend for only $5 – that’s a deal. That’s almost how much rentals are now so it’s worth it to just buy. Anyway enough about that… it was really nice seeing you Sunday! I’m glad Pat and I managed to pull that off. We have been planning that for well over a month now. I sent out all of your pictures today so you should have them (hopefully) by Thursday or Friday, but definitely before the weekend. Add up the cost of the pics, the postage, and the envelopes and my labor costs for standing there scanning in all of those pics and that’s about $100… it took me forever haha. Like over an hour, but that’s okay. I saw Anson while I was there… do you remember him? I showed him your pic standing next to your painting and he thinks you’ve really got talent. Did you ever consider being a graphic artist for books… like children’s books? You should. That would be awesome! Or maybe I can publish something and you can be the artist haha.

Well onto your letter… I found your letter to be very interesting because even though you have been in there quite some time, you pointed things out to me that I never would have even considered, just how different people are and yes, you’ve changed a little, but them moreso because they are out here in the real world where life changes at an ever so rapid pace – constantly. Your change occurs in different increments since you are in there. I noticed this about some of my younger friends… they may not have changed at all, but I have matured, and so now they seem even less mature to me when I am around them. It’s so funny that you wrote about all this stuff before you, me, and Pat had the conversation about the Gatorage lids because it all goes along the same lines… outside of where you are, life is changing at an unbelievable pace.

A quote from Grey’s Anatomy would fit great right here…

"Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us can wants, is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go."

There is so much truth in that statement because time doesn’t wait for ANYONE. If something occurs to you in your life, the world is not put on hold to cater to you. You are expected to pick yourself up onto your own two feet and keep on walking. There are no time-outs and no pause buttons in life. However, this can sometimes be used to your advantage. It allows people like you to sit back and see the world from a different perspective – one that is changing at a much slower pace because you are in the same place doing the same things. You notice things that all of us out here do not because we are distracted by the everyday advancements and changes going on all around us. Consider yourself lucky. I think you need to look at your situation as one similar to Emerson or Thoreau… they both went out into nature and away from society for a season or two. Actually, now that I think about it… Thoreau stayed at a cabin on land that belonged to Emerson for like TWO years!

Anyway wow I just went off on a wild tangent (it happens) but you get the point! There are pro’s and con’s to your situation. When you get out of there, you will appreciate many things much more than most people – you will not take things for granted, and that is an easy trap to fall into these days! I know that I am not perfect, but one thing I can say about myself is that I definitely enjoy and appreciate even the littlest of things. Like, just the other day I was leaving the house and 3 deer were in the yard and I got SO close to them in my car and then when I got right up on them, they all darted across the yard but they are really beautiful creatures and they looked so perfect. The green grass and blue sky behind them didn’t hurt the scene either haha. Just little stuff like that, I always say a prayer and just say THANK YOU LORD! Even just to wake up some days, or to have made it through another day. I know you are like that too, so it must have been how we were raised.

Sounds like you need to get to bed earlier and get some more sleep if you’re going to bed at 12:30 and getting up at 6. Well, it’s about my bedtime now. I’m gonna go take my contacts out then read for a bit. Then it’s time for some shuteye!
Love you! Peace out girl scout! Write back soon!
Lynds"


So isn't it funny... I go to find something from him and it's just what I need. "Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us can wants, is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go."

It's ok to feel what I feel. Time might move on but, the feelings I have aren't quite there yet. The other quote, beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most.... this comforts me. You lived your life to the fullest in the middle and you are at peace now. No more pain, struggle, confusion, or hopelessness. I just need to keep telling myself that, each morning and night. For me, those are the toughest... the stuff in the middle is easy.

I'm just going to give hope a chance to float up.... and it will.

Missing you a lot these past few days,
-Lil Sis

A Safe Place

I have no words tonight. Walked home tonight from dinner with a friend and all I could think about was you. I guess I am just having an off night. The tears are coming easy tonight. Whenever I hear you have graced us with your presence, I get so emotional.

Mom and Anna were at a store tonight and my little cousin Rosie was with them. She is very, very sensitive to things and she can sometimes sense things. She has a special gift. She said there was bright white light walking behind them, and then when Anna tried a coat on, Ryan wrapped his arms around her. We can all believe what we want but I believe he is around. I feel his presence.

Instead of talking, I'll just post the poem I wrote him 3 years ago when he was away. Some of you have already read it but, it never hurts to revisit things.

A Safe Place
To Ryan from Lyndsay
Christmas 2007

1981
Beautiful baby boy enters the world
A little mischievous, a little unsure
Staring out into the great unknown
Wondering if this is the place he'll always call home

1985
A little girl arrives in the middle of May
Much to the little boys' dismay
Competing for the love and affection of Mom and Dad
No one knew the affect this would someday have

1988
At times, being a big brother wasn't such a bad thing
He taught her new words and also how to sing
She held his hand and he lead the way
She trusted everything he did and everything he would say

1991
Every night she snuck through his door
Only to be caught when her footsteps reached the creaky wooden floor
He tells her alligators are under the bed to scare her away
But really, she knows he just wants her to stay

1994
She helps him with his spelling words each night
But that doesn't matter – they still fight
Things got rough; they avoid each other
Sounds kind of like their Father and Mother

1996
At school today, he got in a fight
A knock on the door, on goes the light
Teacher comes to the house for a meeting
She's hoping and praying this doesn't result in a beating

1997
She hides in her room with the music up loud
Studies hard to make her parents proud
Doesn't want to head down the wrong path
It's been done before – she's seen the aftermath

1999
He's out on the street all alone
She wishes he would just come home
If only they could get along
The road ahead wouldn't seem so long

2001
Happy 16th – here's a car!
Keep up the good work, you'll go far!
So much pressure for the shoulders of one
He thought her life was all games and fun

2003
She walks up to get her diploma
All dressed up in her cap and gown
Looks up to the bleachers
But he's nowhere to be found

2005
He's still up state behind the cold bars
She's lost her first love – nothing but heartache and scars
He has a girl who cannot speak
Her love had faded; their bond grew weak

2007
Similar outfit, her cap and gown
Looks up into the bleachers – he's still out of town
She hears the words projecting from the speaker say
"Let's pay a minute of respect for those who couldn't make it today."

2007
It's his turn to shine; it's finally his turn!
In his cap and gown, because of all that he's learned
Yeah he was knocked over but never fell down
Picked up his life and got up off the ground

When she thinks back on all the times he couldn't be there
It makes her realize that life isn't always fair
But everything she thought he missed
He never really missed at all
He was there with her for it all
Tucked up inside a little ball
Inside a safe place inside her heart
Because that's where he's been, ever since the start.
-Lyndsay M. Jasper

November 2007

I miss you big bro, with all my empty heart.
-Lil Sis

Copy Cat

I was just doing some grading and listening to country music when one of my favorite songs came on and acted as fuel for my memory. I started thinking about growing up in the same house as Ryan. Some of these are my favorite memories because we were young and innocent and it was these years that I remember living with him most; some of my most fond memories. Once he hit his teen years, we were only living under the same roof off and on.

These lyrics hit me...

"I know they say you can’t go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine
Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar."

When I was younger, Ryan wanted to learn to play the guitar. A few years later, I had a guitar and was getting lessons. Ryan enjoyed taking pictures of nature. A few years later I had my first camera and was taking pictures of anything and everything. Ryan liked a certain band and days later I was blaring the same band in my bedroom, non stop. Ryan wanted to play baseball, and a few days later I was signed up for tee ball. Ryan rode four-wheelers and motorcycles all the time, as most people in our family did up at the cabin, but it wasn't often that you'd see Ryan on his four-wheeler without a little girl on the back, a blonde pony tail sticking out of the helmet, flopping around with every turn and jolt.

At the time Ryan got mad and called me a copy cat and told me to get my own hobbies and interests. As we got older and took different paths, even when he wouldn't admit it, I knew he was secretly so happy when I enjoyed the same things he did. He took pride in the fact that someone like me would want to be anything close to someone like him. He had no idea how much I looked up to him despite how we both acted. I always wanted to be around him.

When we were about 12 we were playing tee ball at the neighbors and my suspenders were broken so I only had one strap latched. As I hit the ball and ran to first base, the second latch busted and my pants fell. As a pre-teen playing with a handful of boys, you can only imagine how mortified I was. Ryan laughed but then he walked me home so that I could change.

We spent hours and hours in the evening playing Jail Break and Capture the Flag with the Theis Boys and Cara Lachat and James Nye. I was always amazed at how talented he was at hiding from people and sneaking around in the dark. I still wonder how we played in the entire neighborhood... it was pretty big. This might explain why the games lasted for hours ;) but the last few times I remember us playing, I'd watch Ryan get all decked out in dark clothing and gloves and camo. He would always let me wear some of his black clothes... a black hat and a black sweatshirt.


“A strange thing is memory, and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow. Memory is history recorded in our brain, memory is a painter, it paints pictures of the past and of the day.”

I fear, every day, that my memory will fail me or that I will run out of memories but they just keep flowing. A good friend and coworker told me that even if you have a not-so-sharp memory, these sorts of things, they always stay with you. We don't forget the things that really matter and the things that are most important to us. They stay with us always.... This meant so much to me because she has faced a similar loss. I don't know many people who have lost a sibling and it can be difficult to get anyone to relate to how you are feeling unless they, too, have experienced something similar. It's just very comforting.

"I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can..."

- Lil Sis

Laying Flowers on Life

Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life.
~Albert Einstein

On Sunday I finally threw away my wilted flowers and I kept my "Brother" ribbon. As I threw them away, I couldn't help but think of the life of a flower, and how it brings so much beauty, even if it is only here a short time. It comes and goes but it's always in the ground, waiting for an opportunity to sprout up and show itself again.


I thought about Ryan a lot today. The pain comes and goes as I'm sure it does for all of us that were close to him, but something that never leaves is the feeling of missing him. I just miss seeing him or getting texts or calls from him, and his big bear hugs that were always followed up by a finger in the ear or a raspberry on the cheek or a burp in the face ;)

I just wonder if he misses us too? Can he? Is it even possible?

I just have a feeling that the holidays are the time when this will all really sink in... I am not even looking forward to them this year. Mom doesn't want to put up Christmas decorations but I think we are going to have a tree and I will make her put up her snowman collection. Ryan would want us to though so we better :) He will be there with us, I'm sure of it.

The pain has started to subside, thankfully, which is assuring. Everyone around me has said that things get better in time and that feeling of absolute despair starts to face. I wanted so badly to believe everyone and for the first month I did not but I think time does heal all wounds, regardless of their complexity.

The only way I could describe the feeling that remains is the feeling of having a hole in my heart, loss mixed with a deep, undying love. I am mentally preparing myself: this hole may never go away. I feel a slight pang in my chest when I think about him or picture his face at times. Maybe someday that pang will be replaced with a different feeling but for now, I am okay with how I am progressing in this process. It's a long one and it won't be easy but I don't want to let Ryan down -- I just know he wants me to be my upbeat, happy, smiling self. Smile on the outside even if I'm crying on the inside.

A man's dying is more the survivors' affair than his own.
~Thomas Mann, The Magic Mountain


In my thoughts always,
Baby Sis

Little Red.... Headband

Ok so the headband....

If some of you recall, one of my first nights back in Baltimore, I was sitting at my desk and my red headband flew off my head, hit my back (making me turn around to look) and landed halfway across the room on the floor. Anyone who knows me knows that I am such a scaredy cat but when this happened it didn't scare me. It made me laugh.

I told my Aunt Lori and she said "Ryan has been picking on you since you were little... do you think he is going to stop now??" I laughed.

I told my students the headband story and ever since then, they have been asking me if anything else has happened since. So here I sit tonight listening to music peeking around on FB and something flies down from my head, scares the begeezies out of me, and I jumped a little. I thought it was a bug or something! It was the black headband piece that goes near your ear so the headband doesn't hurt your ear. It just dropped out of nowhere on my lap.

I don't know why but Ryan really likes this headband.... maybe because it's red. That's Ryans all-time favorite color. Just a little reminder that he is with me <3 I think he knows it is so tough for me to go through this without any family here. It is hard for everyone, no doubt, but it's got to be easier to be with loved ones during this difficult time. Don't get me wrong; I have some amazing friends and coworkers. But everyone knows that it's just not the same.

This gets me thinking about next year, my future, where I want to be, who I need, who needs me, and what I'm doing with my life. You always hear how life can be turned in an instant but you don't truly believe it until you experience it.

I am finding myself less motivated in certain aspects of life and after talking to a coworker, she said that my experience has taught me that some little things just seem so trivial now... I hope I shake this phase soon. I've always been a go-getter and I just feel my drive come and go. But then again, what feeling doesn't come and go lately?

Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure.
And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven

Goodnight <3
Lil Sis

No Warning Sign.... Now

Had a pretty good day and then I checked the mail. I got a card from church, thanking me for my gift in memory of "Ryan Matthew Jasper" and once again, I was smacked in the face. All these little tokens of his memory are supposed to take his place? A small piece of cardboard? The flowers that are withering away on my kitchen table? They should be gone by now but I have not gathered up the courage to throw them away yet. I just don't think I can...

One of my very good friends told me to check out the song "Alibi" by Thirty Seconds to Mars. I am listening to it now and some of the lyrics hit me hard.

"We both could see crystal clear,
That the inevitable end was near..."

Two days prior to the day Ryan took his life, I suffered very intense nightmares, and I was up all night both nights. I tempted to reach out for help but to no avail. Monday morning, the day prior, I sought help with the School Psychologist. I told her some things that were going on and expressed my concerns and fears. While it felt great to get off my chest, she reassured me by saying that all these clues and parts of the puzzle made it sound as though Ryan was asking for people to stop him. This gave me some comfort. I had no idea the downward spiral that would ensue just that very next day.

I know it is natural to feel a pang of guilt if this happens to a loved one but some days this weighs heavy on my chest; so heavy I think it may sink in. People always say go with your gut. I just wish I would have.


"We both could see crystal clear,
That the inevitable end was near
Made our choice, a trial by fire,
To battle is the only way we feel alive..."

Just as the song says, I fall apart and get back up again. Tonight is just one of those nights that makes it so hard to get back up again. But I will.... for him.

A Little Laughter

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
~e.e. cummings

Tonight I just wanted to lighten things up a little after last nights' post. I got an overwhelming response from readers which is always nice but at the same time, a lot of tears were falling last night.

Ryan would want everyone to miss him but look back on memories and SMILE, and LAUGH. He was always so funny, making other people laugh, laughing at himself, and doing things to make people laugh at HIM.

Ryan could crack me up more than anyone. This pic was taken this Easter when he put my high heeled shoes on and was running around the living room, making obscene gestures which I'll keep to myself (smile).

We all have to remember the funny times and allow them to bring us peace and smiles. Ryan used it as a coping mechanism at times and I am sure we are all guilty of that. There is nothing wrong with laughing and smiling, even if it's at ourselves.

So many tangles in life are ultimately hopeless that we have no appropriate sword other than laughter.
~Gordon W. Allport

Smile before you fall asleep tonight. I know I will.
<3 Lil Sis

His Last Words

It was a wonderful weekend spent at home and I apologize for leaving my readers with no new treats but here goes....

Friday night, between his sad eyes, deep breaths and falling tears, I watched and listened to Ryan say his last words to me and all his loved ones on different tapes he made.

While I couldn't hold back the tears the first time I watched, the more I watch them the happier I get. It is so wonderful to have these tokens of his love for us, forever. He was sitting up at the cabin with the camera facing him and the sun, delicate rays of light shining through, reassuring me God was with him.

He thanked everyone that has tried to help him over the years, everyone who has supported him through good times and bad. He said there is nothing anyone could have said to change his mind but he was glad to have time recently to spend with his daughters and his family and to spend time at his favorite place -- the cabin.

"Keep setting goals and keep pushing on."

He said he doesn't know where his depression comes from because he has so many blessings but something inside of him won't let him pull out of this rut.

"Be happy to have each other. Don't let this get you down. I know it will but don't let it for too long."

My last wishes are: "stick together, everyone give each other a hug for me." He said he thanks us all for such a wonderful life; so many beautiful memories and happy times. He was so blessed to have such a wonderful family... he said "we have a big family... if I sit here and try to name everybody I might change my mind!" and then he laughed really hard through more tears and wiped his face.

"Family is the most important thing. Friends come and go, people come and go, but your family is always there for you."

In his video to me he said some very heartfelt and wonderful things.... here are a few snidbits.... I don't want to write it all on there. Some is personal.

"This video is for my little sister Lyndsay..... I love you sis. You've helped me so much... you've been like my best friend. No matter how many times I messed up. We had a lot of fun together. I'll never forget the time in Maryland when that girl came over and started yellin' at ya and I maced her. I never saw someone run so fast in flip flops!" He laughed through his tears....

"I've got two beautiful little girls and everytime I look at them they remind me of you. And they are really gonna need their Aunt Lyndsay ya know? And let them know how much I love them... tell them the good things. I want them to know who I was, and you know me better than anybody.... you and Mom."

"I'm not worried about you because....I already know you're gonna be fine. You're strong, you're smart, you're a leader, you're funny.... and someday, somebody is gonna be very luck to have you. You're gonna make a great wife to some lucky guy."

"Watch out for my kids. Give Mom lots of hugs. We've got a WONDERFUL mother."

"I'm just tired. I'm sure you've seen I've changed... I'm not the same person I used to be. I just don't want to hurt anyone anymore."

"Take my lil girls to the park, make sure they date good guys that treat them well."

"I feel like I can't even give you any advice because anything I say you already know" and more laughing...

"You are a wonderful little sister and I thank you, for everything. And um, like I said, out of everyone's videos I am making, I know out of everybody you're gonna be alright because... you just are. You're a freakin' Jasper! But, I love you SO much, and thank you for the good times, thank you for standing by my side and believing in me when other people didn't."

"I love you, and I'll always be by your side. Anytime you need me just look up."

"Don't take anybody for granted ya know I know you don't but see Mom and Dad and Grammy and Poppop as much as you can. I've always said to have a good friend be a good friend. Don't let anyone treat you bad. And remember that I'm always with you. I love you."

He ended it with saying that he was going to take a walk and say some prayers.

How do you say goodbye to people that you love so much, he asked.

Ryan, this is not goodbye. This is "I'll see you again someday." Everytime I look up actually, because you know I always leaned on you over anybody else and that's not going to stop now big bro! Crazy thing is... I know you're there.



<3 Lil Sis

Man I Love Life

Ryan wrote this back in 2007. He tried his best to look for the little things in life to keeep him going and he did a pretty good job of it.

"Man I love life! Really I do and even with as much drama, hard times, and endless struggles that I seem to face day to day, the simplest things remind me of how wonderful life is. I’ve recently heard this song “I Try” many times. I love music and this song is why. It’s deep and every time I hear it, I get chills because I can relate. I love the way a song or so many little things in life can make me feel so alive. So today and every day may be far from perfect but all the little wonderful things, from music, family, and good friends, the way the sky looks as the sun sets, and so much more remind me why life is such a wonderful and beautiful thing…"

By Ryan M Jasper
May 2007


Don't overlook the small stuff... sometimes it's the best stuff.

Smile!

Got this note from a friend and I made the mistake of reading it at 4:30 this morning and I laughed so hard it woke me and got me out of bed, which is sometimes the hardest part of my day, so here I am... wide awake thinking.

November 4, 2010
"I read your one post and you said how you don't think people talk about it because they don't want to burden others. I think you're wrong. It's not a burden, it's a heavy weight to carry, and it sucks, but it sucks because the heavy weight we are carrying is memories, cherished memories. And it's heavy because we're carrying every last memory we can remember. And we're defensive of this, we don't wanna let go, so it hurts to think some things may be forgotten. But that's why I find your blog refreshing, while you may be letting some of that weight go, it's not gone, as others pick up that memory and take it with them as well. I'm happy to see your perspective to your brother, as I know it's completely different from how I knew him. He looked out for you when you weren't even around, I remember him talking to me about you. "I gotta make sure she doesn't do the same things I've done". "If you see her being bad you tell me, I'll talk to her". I'm glad to see your posts. None of my friends knew him, so I can't talk to them about him really, they can't remember what we did. This helps me, seeing how your relationship with him got closer over the years.

I would say keep writing, and don't ever think that it's a burden you're putting on others. You honor Ryan greatly through your words, memories, and thoughts. If you ever just want to talk about him or whatever I'll listen. Because I don't see it as a burden. And he'd want me to be there for his lil sis if she ever needed it. So I am.

Also I remember a time I drove by you on the fourwheeler on top of the mountain, really fast through the mud. May have gotten you muddy..... I just remember this horrid look of death rays being shot at me. Yeah, sorry bout that haha. Smile."

This really made me laugh so hard. And it's probably true! I have been known to give those looks lol!

But this also made me remember something. This particular friend mentioned Ryan never letting me be bad. He never wanted me to make mistakes he had made; so protective. Anyway any of you who know me and know me well, know that I am anti-drug, 100%... none. While I won't judge you if you partake in any (even casually), I just prefer not to and I have my reasons. I meddled with a certain common one twice back in high school (can I get in trouble for this now??? HAHA) and felt nothing. The third time I did and I ended up getting sick and not being able to come home until like 3 or 4 in the morning. My brother came and got me. I remember not only the look on his face but the words he said to me that morning. I knew how much I had disappointed him and it killed me. At the time I wondered why it mattered or why he cared or how he had any room to talk... but now I know. The look I got and the feeling that I had disappointed my big brother was so strong and I'll never forget that morning. I haven't touched a thing since and that was 11th grade............

I make mistakes...big ones, but I never make them twice.
-Mona Lisa Smile

Find a reason to smile each day!!!!!

Come With Me

I found this letter I sent to Ryan in 2007. I was trying to convince him to move down to Maryland with me to have a fresh start. It's kinda cute :)

November 11, 2007
Ryan,
So nice to talk to you today! Thanks for listening about the boy. I think it would be awesome if you would move here. We could get a place together and I would be able to show you all around, introduce you to completely different people. I think you need to get away from the caliber of people that you were with before because

1) look where it got you
2) you’ve been away from everyone so long (not many had rap) so what’s a little more time?
3) It’s a nice place to be on your own
4) It’s close enough to home that you can go home once in a while
5) I’m HERE!
6) It would give you the opportunity to have that “young lifestyle” still – that may not be as accepted in the Port.
7) A fresh start!
8) It’s by the bay!
9) The Naval Academy is here… the Navy has a good football team
10) It’s close to Baltimore – tons of fun!
11) Your rent would be cheaper if you split it with me
12) My gym membership gets reduced if I recruit someone to join!
13) We could buy a boat!

Glad I got a laugh out of ya on the phone. Hey it’s Sunday night so you’ll get this Wednesday I believe… hope you are having a great HUMP day!

I’m coming home Tues or Wed (20th) so how about a visit Saturday the 24th? Let me know. LOVE YOU! Xoxo – Lynds



I always tried to get Ryan on the right path, heading in the right direction. At times my efforts were fruitless, but other times, I would speak and Ryan would really hear me.... really understand what I was saying. Not everyone had that ability with Ryan but I think we were just on the same page and he just got it.

I remember the night he came down to move me from my house in Annapolis to my house in Fed Hill.... we all crashed at my place. Mom and Darrin got a hotel and Bud slept on the couch. Ryan stayed with me in my room. He snored all night!! Like a big baby.

Off to sleep.... I am desperate for it.
Lil Sis

Meet Me in the Middle

Mom went to see a median tonight. She was right on point for a lot. She then said.... your son.....

The lady held her hand up in front of my Mom's face and said "He's here.... RIGHT now." She talked all about him and his struggles and the love between Mom and Ryan. Then she brought me up. She said... your daughter.... she is well educated. She works with kids but shes continuing her education right now and she wants to do something where she helps people. (Ironically I just blogged this the other day). She said "she needs to just keep going... she's doing well for herself."

She said "Your daughter talks to Ryan each day." She said that he is worried about me; that I don't understand.......

It's supposed to get better. I do fine during the day; then at night I feel like I break down to a million pieces. How is everyone else keeping it together? Is theirs private like mine? I guess it's best. Then you don't burden everyone else with it. I hope I'm not doing that by writing this but it just feels so good to get it all out so if you can't handle reading it or you think those are my intentions I would stop now.

Mom said the cops gave her back the video tapes Ryan made us. He made each of us one...Dad, Anna and the girls, Nana and Poppop, Me, and Mom. Mom's was last so it got cut off but it's ok because Mom knows in her heart what he's saying to her. She was his BEST friend -- never once gave up on him ever. Never turned her back. Never let him fall. She knows....

Mom said my video was the longest and that really tore me up. I asked her how it started and she said Ryan looked at the camera and said...."This is for my little sis...."

I'll watch it this weekend. I can't wait. I cry just thinking about it.

I am glad Ryan hears me talking to him. I just wish he would come wrap his arms around me and hug me all night.


Goodnight. Stay True.

He Made a Difference

I got this from a good friend of the family today:

Well I'm sure you remember being at the cabin, seems like I was always there. It was 6-7th grade specifically, I remember you were up there more than usual, so I had someone my age to hang out with. Oh and it didn't hurt that Lindsey E was there too, I always really liked her. But I absolutely hated the rest of my life, the cabin was all I enjoyed in life. School was horrid, I had a lot of problems with my family, and I just felt empty. I became so depressed I lost sensation, I couldn't feel physical pain, heat, cold, almost anything.

You and Ryan were literally my only friends, I had others I could hang out with, but I didn't care about them and vice versa. Because of that, I didn't really know how to deal with people or friends well, still have that problem. I remember talking to you in the sun room once, I can't remember too much, but I knew you wanted to help me, and since I'm always so stubborn, you hit a brick wall. One weekend you weren't there, but Julia was, and upon talking to her, she told me that you were praying for me to find help. That has always stuck with me, and meant a great deal.

My depression has always been very deep. It got so bad, and I don't know if I should really get into this due to the nature of it, but here goes... I really was suicidal. I hurt for so long, had almost no one, I wanted my pain to stop. The cabin, your family, but mainly you and your brother was the reason I couldn't. I couldn't take you guys thinking less of me if I had, which I was damn close. I tried to tell you once, I believe it was around New Years. You, Ryan, and even Lindsey E were at the cabin. I don't remember what happened, I may have told you and you didn't believe me, or I chickened out, but right after, I told Julia. Her, Ted and Ashley talked to me about God forgiving me, accepting me, and me pushing through. Afterwards, I gained strength and made it through, still a lot of problems, but I've made a lot of progress.

In plain English, I feel I am here today because of your family. And your kindness was one of the profound reasons I didn't go through with it. I pray that this isn't painful to hear and reopen wounds, it is meant to show you just what you can do. I believe in telling someone what they can and have accomplished to encourage them to move forward. I believe just by being you, you have saved a life, and possibly more than one. I thank you and your family for being who you are, because I consider you family. I pray you can find strength in this. I hope it isn't too hard for you to hear, because I really think you can help others by being an inspiration and a confidant. I miss you guys. Smile, the world's a better place for it.

From Ryan

"If tomorrow starts without me
And I'm not there to see
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today
While thinking of the many things
We didn't get to say
I know how much you love me
As much as I love you
And each time that you think of me
I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
that an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
all those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I'd always thought!
I didn't want to die. I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
it seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all that we shared,
And all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
and maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss some tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity, And all I've promised you."
Today your life on earth is past,
but here life starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, But today will always last,
and since each day is the same way,
There's no longing for the past.
So when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart."


People comment on my strength and wonder how I can even muster up enough to write these. This is helpful and theraputic to me, and it's just as theraputic when others read them. It makes me feel good that they know Ryan, or are getting to know Ryan. Some of my friends from Baltimore that did not even know him, do now. It's an amazing feeling and just as the title of my blog says, this is my way of keeping Ryan with me each day, and alive in my memories and my heart. Thank you for reading.

When I'm Alone....

"But sister you know I'm so weary
And you know sister
My hearts been broken
Sometimes, sometimes
My mind is too strong to carry on
Too strong to carry on
I said brother, you know you know
It's a long road we've been walking on
Brother you know it is, you know it is
Such a long road we've been walking on..."
-Alexi Murdoch, "Orange Sky"

I am ok until I am alone and my mind immediately turns to you. To see your face in pictures... I thought the pain would start to fade. No such luck yet. Late at night it's the worse... as well as Sunday nights/Monday mornings.

My Dad must have known something was up this morning. He sent me a text that said "Have a good day Lynds - love ya!" and normally I respond right away because I'm getting ready or driving to work, but this morning I did not respond. I couldn't sleep last night so I slept in a little and got permission ahead of time to go into work a little late since I have no class first period. He followed it up with a text that said "Are you ok?" and then I said "Yea I'm ok but I'm going into work late..." and he goes "I thought so." I said "How did you know?" and he said "Sunday nights are rough..." True story.

Now I am carrying some more weight. I worry about someone in particular; my Mom. Anna and the girls are out now and I know she misses having people at the house, the hustle and the bustle. Please say some prayers for her because she is not taking it well and she needs visitors to make her smile and laugh!!!! My Mom has a heart of gold and loves doing things for people; I don't want that to change.

Speaking of, I've had two people come to me about serious advice. Both of these young ladies chose to come to me out of all the people in their lives and I think that speaks volumes. I love teaching for right now but I think someday I am going to want to put all this energy and experience into something a little more personal. Not necessarily a psychologist but something... where I can help people each day. To realize that life is not always perfect but it is a gift. It is precious. It is not easy and there are ups and downs but such is life. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Fall down 7 times get up 8. The longest staircase starts with the first step. I know Ryan would want me to.


I think God has big plans for me. I'm curious to see what they are. But no matter what I do, I know Ryan will be right there with me. Holding my hand....


"When I am alone
When I've thrown off the weight of this crazy stone
When I've lost all care for the things I own
That's when I miss you, that's when I miss you, that's when I miss you
You who are my home..."
-Alexi Murdoch, "Orange Sky"

Goodnight big bro,
Lynds