Is it real?

I look at Ryan's memorial service brochure and I still don't quite believe it. I wonder if I ever will. He's so handsome and peaceful in the pic. Images from that day still play over in my head on repeat and I can't wait for the day when they fade. Anyone that knows Ryan knows that he struggled for a good part of his life and he is finally at peace but I just get so sad knowing he was that sad and empty that he had to do this. It's selfish of me to be sad because this is what he wanted. We all know that. But it doesn't make me feel any better that I couldn't do anything to help him. It's an awful feeling that won't go away.

Be kind. You never know who is fighting a harder battle. You never know when the last time is that you are going to see someone so always end on a good note. I would give an arm or a leg to get to say goodbye to my brother. Maybe that's why I am having a hard time with this... no closure. No true goodbye. I want a big hug and a big wet kiss on my cheek from him.

He is really gone. Is he? Is it real? Will he be back ever? Will he be there when I get married? Is he here with me now? Does he miss us?

I should be asleep now but instead I sit here wondering all these things. I can't seem to quiet my thoughts tonight. I guess it will just be one of those nights.

"On my way home this car hears my confessions. I think tonight I'll take the long way."

-Dashboard Confessional, "The Sharp Hint of New Tears"

Signing off with unanswered questions,

Lynds