Beneath an Orange Sky

I went to see Jack and Jill last night. It was pretty funny. Just really got me thinking towards the end and on my drive home...

In the movie the sister comes to visit her twin brother and spend time with him and his children. I started thinking about how someday when I have kids, they will never get the privilege to meet their Uncle Ryan or spend time with him. My kids will know him other than what I tell them, and they will never have the opportunity to get picked on by him or spend holidays with him. This made me really sad.

This morning I was looking at the one bookshelf we have dedicated to him in our house with all of his things on it and his ashes and pictures and his little black cowboy hat. I thought back to the past year and how far we have all come dealing it; how much we have healed and how much of the pain has subsided, but there is that hole in my heart that I truly never believe will be filled. I miss him a lot and especially during the holidays, but even more so as I am heading back to Baltimore and away from home and all the people and things and places that remind me of him. So much to think about and I just have to keep pusing forward.

Last night Mom and I were remembering a few lines Ryan would always say to us. And how we used to love eating Mandarin Oranges and we remembered how Ryan never use to sleep in his bedroom; only the basement or on the couch. Or how he really never slept much at all. All the little characteristics and behaviors that were very typical of Ryan but all defined who he was -- just makes me smile recalling them.

I was in the hot tub last night and I couldn't help but to stare up at the sky for a while... looking at the stars. Ryan told me - "If you ever need me just look up." I feel his presence when I look up at the sky at night. But my mind wanders and I am honest when I say I get faced with many internal questions when I think about death and God and heaven, and what he looks like to this day or if he is just a spirit or if he spends time with God or if he can see us or hear us or if he wants to talk to us and if he is watching over us and if he misses us or are all these things impossible once someone dies? I guess that death is truly a mystery and you don't realize it until you lose someone very dear to you. I promise you might not even really truly ponder these questions of life and death until that actually happens to you. I know I never did until now.

"Oh well you know I am so weary
And you know my hearts been broken now
Sometimes sometimes my mind is....
Toooooo strong
To carry on....

When I am alone...
When I've thrown off the weight of this crazy stone
When I've lost all care for the things I own
That's when I miss you
You who are my home
You who are my home..."
-Alexi Murdoch, Orange Sky

Thankful for your love this past Thanksgiving. Tough love. Rough love. Important love. Special love. Missed love...........

Lil Sis

One Year Later...

In 4 days, it will be exactly one year since I lost my big brother and the other half of my heart. In 4 days, I will do whatever it takes to get out of bed. In 4 days I will go to work and do what I need to do, and then after school I will walk out to the soccer field where I received the worst phone call of my life. In 4 days, I will have to be the strongest person I can be, and that Ryan would want me to be.

The entire month of October has been a challenge so far; for some reason when I stopped writing "9" on the chalkboard and began writing "10" a sick feeling came over me. I almost wish I could just skip October altogether. We all knew when it arrived it would be difficult but it just seems that the second you start getting over something, you are smacked in the face with all too familiar settings and scenarios of the year before.

A few people have been asking for another blog -- and I write when I need to. I just figured I would take the time to write when I actually do have the time because I know this week will be busy with soccer and Grad class. I guess I just want to say that although the week will be challenging and heavy on the heart and mind, all I can do is look back to the good times because that was one of Ryan's last requests. As I posted on his Memorial page a few weeks ago, I am so thankful for all the memories growing up that no one will ever truly understand...all the times we watched Beavis and Butthead and Drop Dead Fred and Stand By Me..hours and hours of Jail Break and you dressing me up in all black so I could hide from all the neighbors successfully... playing on the tire swing, swimming in the Nye's pool, taking me for tractor rides, and a million other memories I have of fun times growing up.....telling me there were crocodiles under the bed so I did not leave your side when I snuck into your bedroom at night, telling my Freddy Kreuger lived in the white thing at the bottom of the pool and under the bath tub, telling me I was adopted hahaha....you are someone who truly taught me the real meaning of "Tough Love..." ♥

When you first left us one of my biggest fears was that I would forget all these things or the memories would start to leave me as time passed on but that that is not the case at all; you come to mind at least once a day if not more and although I miss you like crazy and could really go for some hugs from you, I feel you with me when I need you most. You told me that whenever I need you I should just look up and that is just what I do.

We are really gonna need you this week Ry-Pie.... me, Mom, Dad, and the rest of your family. This weekend we will celebrate your life again, with support of all our family and friends, and I know you will be there with us.

On March 4th 2004 my brother wrote "many times in life we all do things to distract us from our own hurt or feelings but if we don't deal with the problem it never goes away and one can never feel alright with oneself." I struggle with this sometimes; I need to get it all out and not bottle it up so that the feelings go away. Just like I was told a year ago, we will never get over it but we WILL get through it.

Found this in my hope chest written by Ryan:

"Star light, star bright, I wish I could see the stars tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wishes I wish tonight.
I wish I could save evreyone I see
But why Oh Lord can't I save me?"

Big hugs going up to you tonight big bro.... gosh I miss you like crazy =( <3
Love always,
Lil Sis

Small Talk

I have been thinking about my brother so much lately and I have just realized why, which lead me to this blog. It's been almost 11 months since he's been gone and that is really hard for me to go that long without talking to him. I have some things I want to talk to him and only him about and what choice do I have? I am just really missing him and would do anything in the world to be able to pick up the phone and call him; to hear his voice again. I put his memorial DVD in tonight thinking that would help but it didn't. It's just not the same.

I still struggle with this, in my own way, on a daily basis, but I know this has helped me become a stronger person and will continue to do so. I know that I will someday take this situation and put all my energy into helping someone else, in whatever way that will be. Maybe it's already in the works.

We were just talking about Ryan yesterday and how he used to dance all crazy and hold the brim of his hat while he danced. I started thinking about all the crazy things he did and how he surely lived your entire life in 30 years! Things like that bring me a little bit of comfort. Comfort to my family as well.

I miss all his crazy faces and that big smile and the crazy times like the time I picked him up from Retreat and we went to the store and he was amazed that Gatorade bottles now had twist tops. All those times I went to visit him.... I loved each and every visit because it was just the two of us talking about anything and everything in the world.

Tears roll down as I watch this video and think of all the years left Ryan had to live and how many things he is missing out on. I just graduated a few weeks ago and it made me sad to realize he was not there to be a part of it but then I realized he was. He wouldn't have missed it for the world.

I just get so down when I think about it sometimes, and angry at the same time, because I want to change it and can't. I know I shouldn't be angry but I guess that's natural. I get angry the more time passes because each month that passes is another month from the last time I saw him and talked to him. It is hard to keep spirits up and memories alive. Everyone else may forget but until you experience a loss similar to the loss of a sibiling, you never forget. It never really leaves your mind. Sometimes I get distracted and think about other things but then my mind will take me back at least once a day. I pray God continues to heal my heart and the hearts of my family, whenever we get to missing him. Missing seeing him, and most of all, missing talking with him. Just a few thoughts I needed to get off my chest....


Missing you big bro, more than you know....

Lil Sis

Somewhere Out There

It's crazy the things that can trigger a meltdown. Today Mom emailed me a sound clip from a new Ad at the Salon, promoting deals for Wedding Season. At the very end of the Ad is a cut of Ryan's voice from when he used to make his own ads. I knew that Ad was new so when I heard him, I guess I just wasn't expecting it -- to hear his voice so loud and clear; it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I sit here tonight, smiling and laughing and crying at some of the memories family have posted the past few days, now that 6 months have passed. It's still so hard for me when my mind gets to that place where I remember everything. How many times can you say you miss someone until it sinks in that you just won't ever see them again?

The other day we were watching TV and an Ad came on for "An American Tale" and I almost lost it. Ryan and I used to LOVE that movie, and at that point, many years later, one of the songs really fit us. Ryan was away and we were writing back and forth evrey few days and I remember it like yesterday... I mentioned that movie to him to see if he remembered watching it as kids and he certainly did. I even remember printing out the lyrics for him and sending them to him. The lyrics were from the song where the brother and sister got split up and they were singing to each from miles away...

Bro: Somewhere out there,
beneath the pale moonlight,
someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight.

Sis: Somewhere out there,
someone's saying a prayer,
that we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there.

Bro: And even though I know how very far apart we are,
it helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star.

Sis: And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby,
it helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky.

Together: Somewhere out there,
if love can see us through,
then we'll be together, somewhere out there,
out where dreams come true.

I really loved this song and the lyrics, even though it was from a cartoon, because at that particular time in our lives, Ryan was away from me but we were still sleeping under the same moon and looking up at the same stars.

Now it's him that I see when I look up at that same moon and those same stars...

Miss you Ry-Pie
<3 Lil Sis

Here is the Piano version of the song without words...
Somewhere Out There...: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyVSvDPv4RM

Flipping the Bird

I thought of Ryan so many times today. When I was teaching Romeo and Juliet to my freshmen, we were discussing how to "bite one's thumb" is a rude gesture for some cultures, and they mentioned the similarities between that and giving someone the finger.

I immediately thought of how Ryan taught me how to "flip the bird" when we were growing up. The first time I used it was when Ryan and I were about 5 and 9. We were at the babysitters house and her house faced another house. The neighbor kids were looking out the window and Ryan told me to flip them the bird so I did. Let's just say it was not met with enthusiasm haha.

One day my Grammy Jasper took my cousin and I out and about for the day. As we were leaving the gas station, apparently we weren't exiting quickly enough for the asshole behind us because he began honking his horn obnoxiously at us, flailing his arms and trying to say something through the glass. I was sitting in the very back of Gram's station wagon, which faces backwards so I was staring at this impatient man right in the face. I got mad that he was being mean to my Gram so once again I did what my brother would have me do... I flipped him the bird. He proceeded to get out of his car and snarled at me, approached my Gram, and told her that the reason he was honking and yelling was because we were pulling away with our gas lid still hanging off. My grandmother was mortified and let's just say I wasn't the favorite grandaughter that day.... Ryan would have been proud though! Haha....


Time to get some sleep....
Lil Sis

Queen of Hearts

Despite the irony, I always spoke to Ryan about my relationships. The people I dated were never quite good enough for me, in Ryan's eyes, for one reason or another. Ryan knew me on a different level than some; he knew my heart....

It always made me feel so good that whenever he talked about me to other people, friends, family, or even strangers, he ALWAYS said that I was his lil sis and I had a heart bigger than anyone he knew....

I've spent the last few nights thinking over things in my head. I came across the blog I wrote after watching Ryan's goodbye video and one of the things that really spoke to me in that particular time of my life was when he said... "And don't.... don't let anyone treat you bad!" and I know he never would have allowed it.

I won't sit here and write some angry and bitter blog because that's not my style and it's not even worth the wasted words; but this is how I express what I am feeling and I do write these to help not only others but also myself.

I was vulnerable in a time of tragedy and made some poor choices that I can't take back. But my advice to others, and the advice I gave to my students just last Friday... is this. Always trust your gut. You might hear things and others are not always to be trusted.... but you can always trust YOURSELF. If you do not feel something is right, do not push those feelings to the side and try to ignore them. I spent the last three months doing that and I'm kicking myself in the ass for it. The other advice is don't let anyone treat you badly... life is far too short.

Find someone who will put into it, just as much as you will. Find someone who wants to give 100%, not somewhat, and certainly not sometimes. So today I walk away, making not only myself proud, but also my big bro.


Sometimes our hearts take us to places that can never lead to a happy ending... and sometimes its up to us to get us right back where we belong.


Missing him more and more, especially when I need his advice....
Lil sis

Star Light, Star Bright

It's not hard for Mom or me to come across little pieces of Ryan on a daily basis. He was always full of surprises, and constantly did little things to show he cared. One day he walked into my Mom's office and handed her a little single rose.... fake, but nonetheless, adorable. Little tokens of his love and he never missed an "I'm just thinking of you" opportunity. The rose sits here on her desk as I type now.

Mom came across this poem Ryan wrote on February 29, 2004 and so in honor of Valentines's Day, the rose, and this poem... I felt compelled to share.

Here goes...

Star light, star bright
I wish I could see all the stars tonight.
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have the wishes I wish tonight...

I wish when I was younger I listened to Mom and Dad
I wish when I was younger, I wasn't quite so bad
I wish I knew then, what I know now
I wish from the beginning I knew how
To be the young man you wanted me to be
Why, Dear Lord, was this so hard for me?

I wish I was stronger than I feel now
I'm tired and weak
It's the Lord's help I seek

I wish to be forgiven for all my wrongs
I wish you could feel how my heart longs
To take back all the hurt and goodness I'd insert.

I wish the world was always a happy place
Where everyone has a smile upon their face.
I wish all could see the care in my heart
As a beautiful picture painted as art.

I wish all who are cold go where it's warm
I wish all who are wet were out of the storm.

I wish all knew love and none felt hate
I wish we could all pick our own fate.

I wish I had a book with all the answers we seek
When came a question, I'd just take a peek.

In closing to all, family and friends
And also to strangers and lives that just began
I say once more but never again
Now it's back to where it all began.

Star light, star bright
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have the wishes I wish tonight....

By Ryan M. Jasper


*This makes my heart ache, at the time just seeing it as a nice poem with rhyming words, looking back knowing these words were his cry for help and his longing for peace. He felt tired and week back in 2004, but tired and weak, he feels no more.


Reading this makes me want to help people, any second I get, try to find peace and happiness in their own lives. Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times.

This year, you can be my Valentine big bro. Love and miss you EVERY DAY!!!!!

Love,
Your lil sis