Sinking........ in.

Today was one of the hardest days yet. How is this possible? I am working backwards here.

The posts and cards have started to stop. I am SO thankful for all the support of my friends and family, the texts, calls, comments, messages, etc. Everyone says I am such a strong person and that they hope I'll lean on my friends at this time and I can proudly say I have some pretty amazing and awesome people to lean on. So thankful.

But this morning, driving to work.... I think it FINALLY hit me. I'm not just here in MD with Ryan in PA. It hit me that he is gone. I will never get to see him again.

I am starting to get mad. Mad at him for leaving me. Mad at myself for not calling toward the end. I was just so afraid to hear what he would say because I knew............

I got a letter from one of his good friends today. It kinda tore me up...
"I want you to know that he truly loved his "Lil sis" and he would lay down his life in the blink of an eye for you! Pinky what I think he would want you to do, is dry your eyes, and help to raise those "two little princess daughters" he has unfortunately left behind. By keeping his memory alive with them both as they each grow. You do this by keep telling them just how much their father happened to love them, as well as tell them stories about you and him when ya'll were younger! Also, the same goes for yourself.... whenever you're feeling low plus questioning yourself wondering how plus why could he do such a tragic thing to himself, just stop and think/remember all of the good things about him, or the fun times you shared."

Had a complete breakdown at school after reading this. I can't stop picturing him sitting in that car... and now wishing it was me.

Ryan's Shout Outs in 2007

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Shout Outs!

A few of my relationships have fallen apart and others have grown only stronger...

Shout out to my baby sister Lyndsay! I am soo proud of you Sis! We've only become so much closer and I'm lucky to have such a cool sister. Must be she takes after her big bro :) I'm proud of all you've done in college and now being out on your own. I can't thank you enough for all you've done and being someone I can always count on and talk to. I love you, Sis!

Shout out to Mom-Dukes! My Mom is the best... she has been my support system, my best friend, and has helped me to always look at the good in things and always push for the bestter in my life. Thank you for everything, Mom. I'm the person I am today much because of the things you taught me, all the good stuff anyway :)

Shout out to my Dad for never being easy on me and making me the strong person I am today.

My Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, stepfather, and the whole family. I love and miss everyone and thank you for all of your love!

To all my real friends: MUCH LOVE! Thanks to Troy Winner and Yancy Cupp - you guys are my true bros. Shout outs to Cat B., Ashley M., Pat H., Ally W., Nicki J., Greg G., Jon R., Bobby N., Eric S., Bud W., Brad S., Corey G., Cory & Jay Kilheeney, Melissa S., Steph S., and all my other friends.

Also shout out to my homies on lockdown: Joe J. up at Houtzdale, Chris Hanson, Josh Sheeler, and Griff at Retreat... stay up Bros!

Big shout out to my old celly Steve Morse, who's home now!

RIP Matt Kratz, Lance R., and Mark S. Always remember our fallen brothers.

Amber, I miss you and wish you the best. You've always been one of my best friends. Through thick and thin, ups and downs, no distance or time can erase the history we have. Ladies is Pimps, too. Smile! :]

Shout out to everyone else who's been ride-n with The Kid! You know who you are... never forgotten, much love!

To all those cats who act like they forgot about The Kid, hey... your loss. I'll be home soon shine-n as always. So don't walk up to me like you didn't know where I was. I got no rap. Ya'll know The Kids been on lockdown, you've got my address, so holla at ya boy! Cats talking about they busy - I can understand that but are you telling me over 4 years go by and you've got no time to drop the kid a few lines? Ya'll sure had time to always be at my house every weekend.

When will it stop hurting? The more I find, the more it hurts.

Never forget

One of my fears is that I'll start to forget. Probably not now, but 10 years down the road I want all the memories to remain just as strong in my mind. By sharing my stories and memories, Ryan can live each day.

On Friday I told my students the story of Ryan's visit to Annapolis and how the night eventually led to Me, Ryan, Bud, and Zelezen running as fast as we could from these huge guys. Long story but my kids laughed and laughed when they heard the story. There was never a dull moment with my brother and he lived 100 years in his 29 years. It puts me at ease recalling times when Ryan said he did so many things in his short life, things that others don't even experience over an entire lifetime. Ryan got the most out of his life and I honestly don't think we should look at it as being cut short.

I'm looking at this pic I just found of Ryan in the basement playing on his slot machine. I remember this night as if it were yesterday. I came home from Baltimore from the weekend and Ryan and I spent hours working on his myspace page, adding pictures and quotes and information about him. He was playing with the slot machine and its' crazy, zany carnival-sounding music like a big dork :-P I taped him and was laughing SO HARD. He was always a trip. Bopping his head all around. Wearing his college shirt I got him. I gave it to him because one time I went to visit him he leaned over and looked at me so sincere and said "So how's scollage?!!?" I said you mean college?!?! Haha. A few years later telling this story I spit out the hot chocolate in my mouth.

I have so many fun and funny memories with Ryan. I never want to forget. They say that the heart that truly loves never forgets.

Thinking of him,
Lynds

Bedtime

Last night I was sitting at my desk checking email and browsing on facebook before bed when my headband flew off my head onto the floor. I had to laugh because that's never happened to me before and I wondered why it did; then I smiled.

When I got into bed I turned my radio on because complete silence can do a number on my imagination. Before I turned it on I just asked Ryan to make it a good one... and "If I Die Young" came on, which is our song for Ryan now. I smiled again and fell right asleep.

And wow, as I'm sitting here typing guess what song just came on? I have goosebumps. Ryan is here with me. I wonder if he's tired from running back and forth from PA to MD? You can call it a coincidence... I'll call it a special visit. =)

I just found out that the band "Band Perry" who sings that song is a girl and her two brothers, so that makes it even more special.

Missing him

Lynds

Change, change, read all about it.

Each passing day gets a little less painful. Tonight I read a great letter written in Ryan's defense to the newspaper.

Here it is:

"This is the second letter I am writing to the Sungazette on this matter…I am hoping the other one just got lost in cyberspace. On Saturday October 16, 2010 I had the pain as many others did to walk through the receiving line at a Memorial Service for Ryan Matthew Jasper. As I walked through that line and embraced his Grandparents, Mother, Father, Sister, Step-Father, and loving fiancé I couldn’t help but think back to last Thursdays newspaper where Ryan’s privacy was violated, the truth was altered, and his monumental time on this earth was degraded and disrespected by words. As I sat there and looked around the funeral home at the amount of tears, heartache, and sorrow that filled that room, actually the whole building, I became angry at the newspaper itself for allowing a release of an article that disgraced the front page, and I felt pain for his family who had just endured the most painful loss of their lives. I ask myself where the compassion went for another human. When do we say enough is enough and stop trying to beat down someone, disgrace them, or humiliate them? When do we start turning to the person next to us and simply saying, sorry? When do we as a community stop hitting the person when they are down? What happened to the Golden Rule? What happened to treating people as we would want to be treated? I know as a friend and ex-employee of Ryan…he did that. He helped everyone around him who needed it. It didn’t matter what color you were, whether you drove a Harley, Mercedes, rode the bus, or had a car at all. It didn’t matter to him at all. I know why it didn’t matter to him, because he had compassion for other people, he cared how that person would feel after they walked away from him. Ryan lived the Golden Rule! He might not have lived a perfect life, we ALL have our problems; but that doesn’t mean or give anyone the right to kick someone when they are down. So when you read this article I hope that you think of that incredible smile that stared back at you from his obituary, because that is the one he would have showed you! RIP Ryan! We love you and miss you always!"

Thank you Monique!

After reading this, she is so right. Ryan didn't care about how many friends a person had, what kind of clothes people wore, or what others thought of him. How many times do we judge people based on these things on a daily basis? No one is perfect but I encourage all of you, myself included, to let people be themselves without judging them constantly. Show compassion and reach out to those around you whenever you can. Don't beat someone when they're down. Instead, help pick them up off the ground. We never know when all someone needs is an extra hand.

Goodnight. I am off to say my prayers and tell Ryan about my day.

Nighty night,

Lynds

Is it real?

I look at Ryan's memorial service brochure and I still don't quite believe it. I wonder if I ever will. He's so handsome and peaceful in the pic. Images from that day still play over in my head on repeat and I can't wait for the day when they fade. Anyone that knows Ryan knows that he struggled for a good part of his life and he is finally at peace but I just get so sad knowing he was that sad and empty that he had to do this. It's selfish of me to be sad because this is what he wanted. We all know that. But it doesn't make me feel any better that I couldn't do anything to help him. It's an awful feeling that won't go away.

Be kind. You never know who is fighting a harder battle. You never know when the last time is that you are going to see someone so always end on a good note. I would give an arm or a leg to get to say goodbye to my brother. Maybe that's why I am having a hard time with this... no closure. No true goodbye. I want a big hug and a big wet kiss on my cheek from him.

He is really gone. Is he? Is it real? Will he be back ever? Will he be there when I get married? Is he here with me now? Does he miss us?

I should be asleep now but instead I sit here wondering all these things. I can't seem to quiet my thoughts tonight. I guess it will just be one of those nights.

"On my way home this car hears my confessions. I think tonight I'll take the long way."

-Dashboard Confessional, "The Sharp Hint of New Tears"

Signing off with unanswered questions,

Lynds

One Week today

Well today marks one week already. The longest week of my life. I don't have much to say today. It is cold and rainy outside and I would like to curl up in my bed for the rest of the day. I start back to work tomorrow and that will be a challenge. That is where I got the news.

I was just reading through my journal that I got back in December of 2007. Ryan is on so many pages. I always worried about Ryan as if he were my own son. I was concerned about him and lost sleep over him just as a mother would. I wanted to help him.

December 18, 2007
Pat called tonight and said he was going to visit Ryan tomorrow! That is so sweet of him; he is such a good guy. And such an awesome friend. It really made my day. I hope Ryan was both surprised and satisfied!

January 25, 2008
Mom called yesterday while I was at work. Ryan is coming home!!!!! Best day ever. He is home in 60 days!! =)

February 21, 2008
Disappointed. It's out of my hands though! I can't spend my whole life stressing and worrying about someone else. Decisions and choices are a personal thing -- he should have known better. I can't give him my advice or my opinion because we will just fight. I don't want that. His P.O. needs to be on his tail more, calling the house and coming to the house. Freedom and trust have to be regained slowly. Not all at once or it can be a bad thing.

March 3, 2008
This week I feel so much better than last! I just need to live my life and not be consumed by his. I'll be there for him always but he needs this time. I don't want to say "told you so" but it's heading there.

December 24, 2008
I knew. I saw with my own eyes. I knew and did not tell. Because I was scared of what he would do. I tried to tell. I should have done something. Now look...

Some of these were written during times of struggle but I smile remembering how much I wanted to take of my bro, even though I was the little sis.