Queen of Hearts

Despite the irony, I always spoke to Ryan about my relationships. The people I dated were never quite good enough for me, in Ryan's eyes, for one reason or another. Ryan knew me on a different level than some; he knew my heart....

It always made me feel so good that whenever he talked about me to other people, friends, family, or even strangers, he ALWAYS said that I was his lil sis and I had a heart bigger than anyone he knew....

I've spent the last few nights thinking over things in my head. I came across the blog I wrote after watching Ryan's goodbye video and one of the things that really spoke to me in that particular time of my life was when he said... "And don't.... don't let anyone treat you bad!" and I know he never would have allowed it.

I won't sit here and write some angry and bitter blog because that's not my style and it's not even worth the wasted words; but this is how I express what I am feeling and I do write these to help not only others but also myself.

I was vulnerable in a time of tragedy and made some poor choices that I can't take back. But my advice to others, and the advice I gave to my students just last Friday... is this. Always trust your gut. You might hear things and others are not always to be trusted.... but you can always trust YOURSELF. If you do not feel something is right, do not push those feelings to the side and try to ignore them. I spent the last three months doing that and I'm kicking myself in the ass for it. The other advice is don't let anyone treat you badly... life is far too short.

Find someone who will put into it, just as much as you will. Find someone who wants to give 100%, not somewhat, and certainly not sometimes. So today I walk away, making not only myself proud, but also my big bro.


Sometimes our hearts take us to places that can never lead to a happy ending... and sometimes its up to us to get us right back where we belong.


Missing him more and more, especially when I need his advice....
Lil sis

Star Light, Star Bright

It's not hard for Mom or me to come across little pieces of Ryan on a daily basis. He was always full of surprises, and constantly did little things to show he cared. One day he walked into my Mom's office and handed her a little single rose.... fake, but nonetheless, adorable. Little tokens of his love and he never missed an "I'm just thinking of you" opportunity. The rose sits here on her desk as I type now.

Mom came across this poem Ryan wrote on February 29, 2004 and so in honor of Valentines's Day, the rose, and this poem... I felt compelled to share.

Here goes...

Star light, star bright
I wish I could see all the stars tonight.
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have the wishes I wish tonight...

I wish when I was younger I listened to Mom and Dad
I wish when I was younger, I wasn't quite so bad
I wish I knew then, what I know now
I wish from the beginning I knew how
To be the young man you wanted me to be
Why, Dear Lord, was this so hard for me?

I wish I was stronger than I feel now
I'm tired and weak
It's the Lord's help I seek

I wish to be forgiven for all my wrongs
I wish you could feel how my heart longs
To take back all the hurt and goodness I'd insert.

I wish the world was always a happy place
Where everyone has a smile upon their face.
I wish all could see the care in my heart
As a beautiful picture painted as art.

I wish all who are cold go where it's warm
I wish all who are wet were out of the storm.

I wish all knew love and none felt hate
I wish we could all pick our own fate.

I wish I had a book with all the answers we seek
When came a question, I'd just take a peek.

In closing to all, family and friends
And also to strangers and lives that just began
I say once more but never again
Now it's back to where it all began.

Star light, star bright
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have the wishes I wish tonight....

By Ryan M. Jasper


*This makes my heart ache, at the time just seeing it as a nice poem with rhyming words, looking back knowing these words were his cry for help and his longing for peace. He felt tired and week back in 2004, but tired and weak, he feels no more.


Reading this makes me want to help people, any second I get, try to find peace and happiness in their own lives. Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times.

This year, you can be my Valentine big bro. Love and miss you EVERY DAY!!!!!

Love,
Your lil sis

Ashes to Ashes...

On January 1, 2011... the first day of the new year.... my family and I held the remains of my brother, Ryan, in between our fingers. I can't begin to explain what that felt like, to look down and see someone so cared for and missed in the palms of our hands, a million different pieces. We all moved in close and said some prayers. Some shared memories and thoughts, while others just sank their heads quietly in deep thought, at a loss for words.

We spread the ashes up in Canton, PA where our cabin is.... up at the big pond, where Ryan and I spent a ton of time when we were little, racing around on four-wheelers, fishing, swimming, and ice-skating in the winter. This was truly one of Ryan's favorite places to be. This is where Ryan was in his last few hours where he made our goodbye videos.

Not a day goes by that I do not think of Ryan, and I'm sure same goes to each of us in the family, as well as some close friends. The holidays were surely a challenge... things were just not the same. Some lost any desire to decorate, celebrate, be around other people, etc. but they all pushed through.... because they knew Ryan would want them to. I have come to terms with the fact that holidays will always be difficult, as well as the entire month of October, and the twelfth of each and every month that passed. It has been three months today since Ryan has been gone. Somedays it feels like it was just yesterday.... other days it feels like it's been years and years because time slows down sometimes... or maybe we just want it to. Life moves quickly. Things happen in the blink of an eye. Things we can't change; things we can.

Lastly, I'd like to apologize for waiting so long to write. I really have no explanation for why I stopped writing. A lot of people have asked my why I stopped and I wasn't sure what to say. For once in my life, I had no answer. I reassured people with "Oh yeah... I need to soon." or "I will soon!" but I knew deep down I wouldn't. Not yet. As I was running tonight, I realized a few things. When things go wrong or bad, I tend to try to block it out of my mind and my memory, or brush it under the rug, if you will. (Wonder where I got that from.... Ahem, Momma....). Anyway, everyone knows people go through stages when they are faced with loss. I realized that to me, not blogging was my way of denying that I was writing in a website to keep my brother alive..........


Until next time....

"In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return."

Miss you big bro,
<3 Lil sis

Simply....

“Simply”
By Ryan Jasper
May 2007

I’d simply like to feel like love, faith, hope, honesty, family, and I want true friendships to really mean something and held more value with more people…

It’s so easy to say they do, but yet the actions of so many people prove otherwise. “What’s important to you is really only important if your actions show this…”

People are so easily influenced by outside factors and let small things that are meaningless come between the things that should really matter…

We should all be the person someone else can always count on and hopefully that’s returned. Life is too short to live an empty life...

Extend a part of who you are every day and you’re able to love the person you’ll truly become…

Ryan Matthew Jasper
May 2007


So true... keep things simple. There's no room for petty things anymore. Extend yourselves to those you love. To have a good friend, be a good friend, Ryan always said. He was one person a lot of people could count on. Let's all try to be the one person other people can always count on <3 Thank you to all those who HE could count on.

-L J

Hope Floats

I can't sleep. What I find myself doing when I can't sleep, call me crazy, is looking for traces. Looking in albums for pictures I haven't discovered yet, things he gave me, letters on my computer, letters he sent me. I don't know if this is normal or not but as soon as I find something it is like temporary relief. I mean let's be honest it hasn't even been much more than a month yet... it's still fresh even if it isn't for anyone else. You don't know someone 25 years and then forget after 50 days.

Here is a letter I wrote to him 3 years ago. Makes me smile.

September 4, 2007
Ry-Pie,

After receiving your last two letters, I’m going to start my response out with a quote…

“Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what Momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.”
- Hope Floats

Good one, huh? I just watched that movie - I bought it at Wal-mart over the weekend for only $5 – that’s a deal. That’s almost how much rentals are now so it’s worth it to just buy. Anyway enough about that… it was really nice seeing you Sunday! I’m glad Pat and I managed to pull that off. We have been planning that for well over a month now. I sent out all of your pictures today so you should have them (hopefully) by Thursday or Friday, but definitely before the weekend. Add up the cost of the pics, the postage, and the envelopes and my labor costs for standing there scanning in all of those pics and that’s about $100… it took me forever haha. Like over an hour, but that’s okay. I saw Anson while I was there… do you remember him? I showed him your pic standing next to your painting and he thinks you’ve really got talent. Did you ever consider being a graphic artist for books… like children’s books? You should. That would be awesome! Or maybe I can publish something and you can be the artist haha.

Well onto your letter… I found your letter to be very interesting because even though you have been in there quite some time, you pointed things out to me that I never would have even considered, just how different people are and yes, you’ve changed a little, but them moreso because they are out here in the real world where life changes at an ever so rapid pace – constantly. Your change occurs in different increments since you are in there. I noticed this about some of my younger friends… they may not have changed at all, but I have matured, and so now they seem even less mature to me when I am around them. It’s so funny that you wrote about all this stuff before you, me, and Pat had the conversation about the Gatorage lids because it all goes along the same lines… outside of where you are, life is changing at an unbelievable pace.

A quote from Grey’s Anatomy would fit great right here…

"Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us can wants, is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go."

There is so much truth in that statement because time doesn’t wait for ANYONE. If something occurs to you in your life, the world is not put on hold to cater to you. You are expected to pick yourself up onto your own two feet and keep on walking. There are no time-outs and no pause buttons in life. However, this can sometimes be used to your advantage. It allows people like you to sit back and see the world from a different perspective – one that is changing at a much slower pace because you are in the same place doing the same things. You notice things that all of us out here do not because we are distracted by the everyday advancements and changes going on all around us. Consider yourself lucky. I think you need to look at your situation as one similar to Emerson or Thoreau… they both went out into nature and away from society for a season or two. Actually, now that I think about it… Thoreau stayed at a cabin on land that belonged to Emerson for like TWO years!

Anyway wow I just went off on a wild tangent (it happens) but you get the point! There are pro’s and con’s to your situation. When you get out of there, you will appreciate many things much more than most people – you will not take things for granted, and that is an easy trap to fall into these days! I know that I am not perfect, but one thing I can say about myself is that I definitely enjoy and appreciate even the littlest of things. Like, just the other day I was leaving the house and 3 deer were in the yard and I got SO close to them in my car and then when I got right up on them, they all darted across the yard but they are really beautiful creatures and they looked so perfect. The green grass and blue sky behind them didn’t hurt the scene either haha. Just little stuff like that, I always say a prayer and just say THANK YOU LORD! Even just to wake up some days, or to have made it through another day. I know you are like that too, so it must have been how we were raised.

Sounds like you need to get to bed earlier and get some more sleep if you’re going to bed at 12:30 and getting up at 6. Well, it’s about my bedtime now. I’m gonna go take my contacts out then read for a bit. Then it’s time for some shuteye!
Love you! Peace out girl scout! Write back soon!
Lynds"


So isn't it funny... I go to find something from him and it's just what I need. "Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us can wants, is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go."

It's ok to feel what I feel. Time might move on but, the feelings I have aren't quite there yet. The other quote, beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most.... this comforts me. You lived your life to the fullest in the middle and you are at peace now. No more pain, struggle, confusion, or hopelessness. I just need to keep telling myself that, each morning and night. For me, those are the toughest... the stuff in the middle is easy.

I'm just going to give hope a chance to float up.... and it will.

Missing you a lot these past few days,
-Lil Sis

A Safe Place

I have no words tonight. Walked home tonight from dinner with a friend and all I could think about was you. I guess I am just having an off night. The tears are coming easy tonight. Whenever I hear you have graced us with your presence, I get so emotional.

Mom and Anna were at a store tonight and my little cousin Rosie was with them. She is very, very sensitive to things and she can sometimes sense things. She has a special gift. She said there was bright white light walking behind them, and then when Anna tried a coat on, Ryan wrapped his arms around her. We can all believe what we want but I believe he is around. I feel his presence.

Instead of talking, I'll just post the poem I wrote him 3 years ago when he was away. Some of you have already read it but, it never hurts to revisit things.

A Safe Place
To Ryan from Lyndsay
Christmas 2007

1981
Beautiful baby boy enters the world
A little mischievous, a little unsure
Staring out into the great unknown
Wondering if this is the place he'll always call home

1985
A little girl arrives in the middle of May
Much to the little boys' dismay
Competing for the love and affection of Mom and Dad
No one knew the affect this would someday have

1988
At times, being a big brother wasn't such a bad thing
He taught her new words and also how to sing
She held his hand and he lead the way
She trusted everything he did and everything he would say

1991
Every night she snuck through his door
Only to be caught when her footsteps reached the creaky wooden floor
He tells her alligators are under the bed to scare her away
But really, she knows he just wants her to stay

1994
She helps him with his spelling words each night
But that doesn't matter – they still fight
Things got rough; they avoid each other
Sounds kind of like their Father and Mother

1996
At school today, he got in a fight
A knock on the door, on goes the light
Teacher comes to the house for a meeting
She's hoping and praying this doesn't result in a beating

1997
She hides in her room with the music up loud
Studies hard to make her parents proud
Doesn't want to head down the wrong path
It's been done before – she's seen the aftermath

1999
He's out on the street all alone
She wishes he would just come home
If only they could get along
The road ahead wouldn't seem so long

2001
Happy 16th – here's a car!
Keep up the good work, you'll go far!
So much pressure for the shoulders of one
He thought her life was all games and fun

2003
She walks up to get her diploma
All dressed up in her cap and gown
Looks up to the bleachers
But he's nowhere to be found

2005
He's still up state behind the cold bars
She's lost her first love – nothing but heartache and scars
He has a girl who cannot speak
Her love had faded; their bond grew weak

2007
Similar outfit, her cap and gown
Looks up into the bleachers – he's still out of town
She hears the words projecting from the speaker say
"Let's pay a minute of respect for those who couldn't make it today."

2007
It's his turn to shine; it's finally his turn!
In his cap and gown, because of all that he's learned
Yeah he was knocked over but never fell down
Picked up his life and got up off the ground

When she thinks back on all the times he couldn't be there
It makes her realize that life isn't always fair
But everything she thought he missed
He never really missed at all
He was there with her for it all
Tucked up inside a little ball
Inside a safe place inside her heart
Because that's where he's been, ever since the start.
-Lyndsay M. Jasper

November 2007

I miss you big bro, with all my empty heart.
-Lil Sis

Copy Cat

I was just doing some grading and listening to country music when one of my favorite songs came on and acted as fuel for my memory. I started thinking about growing up in the same house as Ryan. Some of these are my favorite memories because we were young and innocent and it was these years that I remember living with him most; some of my most fond memories. Once he hit his teen years, we were only living under the same roof off and on.

These lyrics hit me...

"I know they say you can’t go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine
Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar."

When I was younger, Ryan wanted to learn to play the guitar. A few years later, I had a guitar and was getting lessons. Ryan enjoyed taking pictures of nature. A few years later I had my first camera and was taking pictures of anything and everything. Ryan liked a certain band and days later I was blaring the same band in my bedroom, non stop. Ryan wanted to play baseball, and a few days later I was signed up for tee ball. Ryan rode four-wheelers and motorcycles all the time, as most people in our family did up at the cabin, but it wasn't often that you'd see Ryan on his four-wheeler without a little girl on the back, a blonde pony tail sticking out of the helmet, flopping around with every turn and jolt.

At the time Ryan got mad and called me a copy cat and told me to get my own hobbies and interests. As we got older and took different paths, even when he wouldn't admit it, I knew he was secretly so happy when I enjoyed the same things he did. He took pride in the fact that someone like me would want to be anything close to someone like him. He had no idea how much I looked up to him despite how we both acted. I always wanted to be around him.

When we were about 12 we were playing tee ball at the neighbors and my suspenders were broken so I only had one strap latched. As I hit the ball and ran to first base, the second latch busted and my pants fell. As a pre-teen playing with a handful of boys, you can only imagine how mortified I was. Ryan laughed but then he walked me home so that I could change.

We spent hours and hours in the evening playing Jail Break and Capture the Flag with the Theis Boys and Cara Lachat and James Nye. I was always amazed at how talented he was at hiding from people and sneaking around in the dark. I still wonder how we played in the entire neighborhood... it was pretty big. This might explain why the games lasted for hours ;) but the last few times I remember us playing, I'd watch Ryan get all decked out in dark clothing and gloves and camo. He would always let me wear some of his black clothes... a black hat and a black sweatshirt.


“A strange thing is memory, and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow. Memory is history recorded in our brain, memory is a painter, it paints pictures of the past and of the day.”

I fear, every day, that my memory will fail me or that I will run out of memories but they just keep flowing. A good friend and coworker told me that even if you have a not-so-sharp memory, these sorts of things, they always stay with you. We don't forget the things that really matter and the things that are most important to us. They stay with us always.... This meant so much to me because she has faced a similar loss. I don't know many people who have lost a sibling and it can be difficult to get anyone to relate to how you are feeling unless they, too, have experienced something similar. It's just very comforting.

"I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can..."

- Lil Sis