Despite the irony, I always spoke to Ryan about my relationships. The people I dated were never quite good enough for me, in Ryan's eyes, for one reason or another. Ryan knew me on a different level than some; he knew my heart....
It always made me feel so good that whenever he talked about me to other people, friends, family, or even strangers, he ALWAYS said that I was his lil sis and I had a heart bigger than anyone he knew....
I've spent the last few nights thinking over things in my head. I came across the blog I wrote after watching Ryan's goodbye video and one of the things that really spoke to me in that particular time of my life was when he said... "And don't.... don't let anyone treat you bad!" and I know he never would have allowed it.
I won't sit here and write some angry and bitter blog because that's not my style and it's not even worth the wasted words; but this is how I express what I am feeling and I do write these to help not only others but also myself.
I was vulnerable in a time of tragedy and made some poor choices that I can't take back. But my advice to others, and the advice I gave to my students just last Friday... is this. Always trust your gut. You might hear things and others are not always to be trusted.... but you can always trust YOURSELF. If you do not feel something is right, do not push those feelings to the side and try to ignore them. I spent the last three months doing that and I'm kicking myself in the ass for it. The other advice is don't let anyone treat you badly... life is far too short.
Find someone who will put into it, just as much as you will. Find someone who wants to give 100%, not somewhat, and certainly not sometimes. So today I walk away, making not only myself proud, but also my big bro.
Sometimes our hearts take us to places that can never lead to a happy ending... and sometimes its up to us to get us right back where we belong.
Missing him more and more, especially when I need his advice....
Lil sis
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