Two Years Today

After some pathetic attempts at sleep the past few nights, I finally decided it was time to write. In honor of the two year mark, I felt it was the least thing I could do to preserve the memory of my big brother.

Two years later, I have learned so much. Not just myself, but through others as well. Their kind words and the close friends that let me ramble on about memories and funny things that pop into mind over time. The memories are what make it easy to look back on. This day itself is only difficult because of the bad memories that I have of this day two years ago that I try not to ever think of. Sometimes I can't help it but I honestly try not to recall it.

I came across a letter a student wrote me shortly after I returned to school. The words hit my heart today, especially, as I know that life may not be easy for everyone but everyone has the same thing in common and that is that life happens to US ALL. We can take comfort in knowing that. Here is the letter and I hope you that, too, will find peace in anything you are struggling with, and that it speaks to you in some way also:

"Dear Ms. Jasper,
How formal is a big colorful card that says something like "feel better" or "I'm sorry"? Those things just cause an apathetic smile and nothing more. You've had a loss. The truth is, none of us know exactly how you feel. We all face losses, but these things affect everyone differently, and they're very dependent on different aspects. All I know is that for you, it hurt. I don't know you extremely well, just from in class, but you're courteous and your comments on my papers are always complimentary. I appreciate that you're a really nice person, and I highly doubt that you deserve what's happened. But you have to take into consideration that it's not your fault. These things happen to people, and that helpless, cold feeling -- it fades. I'm truly sorry for your situation, but I can tell that you're a strong-willed person (ha, if he only knew!). I see you getting through this, and it may not be easy, but it doesn't last forever; nothing does. I find it's easier to accept that in times like this. Take care of yourself Ms. Jasper, get some rest. You deserve it.

Sincerely,
Jade"

This student holds the truth of life in his hands. Life happens to us all, and even when it's not fair, it's no reason to hold in anger or hurt, against the world or anyone else in it.

I'd like to also recall a few words from Ryan's goodbye videos, as I'm sure some of it could apply to others as well.

Some of Ryan's last words: "Keep setting goals and keep pushing on."


"Be happy to have each other. Don't let this get you down. I know it will but don't let it for too long."

"My last wishes are stick together, everyone give each other a hug for me." He said he thanks us all for such a wonderful life; so many beautiful memories and happy times. He was so blessed to have such a wonderful family... he said "we have a big family... if I sit here and try to name everybody I might change my mind!" and then he laughed really hard through more tears and wiped his face....

"Family is the most important thing. Friends come and go, people come and go, but your family is always there for you." I could not ask for a better family, and the friends and coworkers that have become my second family. Even if it's only once a year that I say it, please know that I am beyond grateful for all of the love and companionship.



"I've got two beautiful little girls and everytime I look at them they remind me of you. And they are really gonna need their Aunt Lyndsay ya know? And let them know how much I love them... tell them the good things. I want them to know who I was, and you know me better than anybody.... you and Mom."

"I'm not worried about you because....I already know you're gonna be fine. You're strong, you're smart, you're a leader, you're funny.... and someday, somebody is gonna be very luck to have you. You're gonna make a great wife to some lucky guy."

"Watch out for my kids. Give Mom lots of hugs. We've got a WONDERFUL mother."

"Don't take anybody for granted ya know I know you don't but see Mom and Dad and Grammy and Poppop as much as you can. I've always said to have a good friend be a good friend. Don't let anyone treat you bad. And remember that I'm always with you. I love you."

"Take my lil girls to the park, make sure they date good guys that treat them well." Those two little girls hold the key to my heart and I am beyond thankful that they are so well taken care of and have the best Mommy. They are growing up so insanely fast and their personalities are quirky and very entertaining to say the least haha. Both have a sense of humor and both possess qualities that I used to see in Ryan.

"You are a wonderful little sister and I thank you, for everything. And um, like I said, out of everyone's videos I am making, I know out of everybody you're gonna be alright because... you just are. You're a freakin' Jasper! But, I love you SO much, and thank you for the good times, thank you for standing by my side and believing in me when other people didn't."

Maybe each of us could be that one person that believes in others when it seems they have nowhere else to turn, whether it be a sibling, parent, spouse, student, or even a stranger -- careful now ;)

"I love you, and I'll always be by your side. Anytime you need me just look up."

Every single day big bro <3

Greens, Blues, and Whites

Greens, Blues, and Whites
By Lyndsay M. Jasper

The hand of fate
reaches down.
Firm grasp;
muscles tense,
small flip of the wrist and
suddenly
the marble swirled
with greens, blues, and whites
turned
upside down.
Nothing here remains the same.
"Change is good" many say.
"Change is the law of life."
Sure, I certainly contest,
yet the words flow
so much easier,
so much more freely
from the mouth of a man
whose feet are firmly planted
on the ground,
from the mouth of a man
who can actually stand
two feet
grounded,
away from the edge
of this marble
swirled with greens, blues, and whites.

When the Tide Rushed In

When the Tide Rushed In
By Lyndsay M. Jasper


How can one navigate a ship
When tangential tides can no longer be predicted
Are predictions not the beauty in vast oceans waves?
Predictions turn to capricious turns and tides
With two very similar entities from God
The sun, strong-willed and suggestive
The moon, determined and dominating
Two separate forces come together
Their changing positions far from gradual
The earth’s ocean surface constantly rises and falls
As tidal forces of both the moon and sun
Aggressively act on the oceans.
Tidal streams affect previously established dreams
Outside forces
The shape of the sea floor
Strong winds
The tide pays much attention to obstructions of pattern
Gravitational fields
Constant pulling and tension
A release.
Tides that used to only vary in manner and space
Once again vary in place.
Just days before the low tide rushed in
Strips of seashore were exposed
It’s high time that high tide emerge
Now the seashore has been submerged.

Inspire.

I don't really consider myself a writer, but I have been feeling a bit of "writers block" lately and it's been about a month since I've written in my blog. I have been thinking about a lot and I have a lot to say (as usual) but nothing seemed to move me enough to get me here. Until tonight...

While I was at the gym, I received a message on Facebook from a previous teacher. The message reads as follows:

"While our interaction stems from years past, I just have to tell you how inspirational you are to me. I enjoy your posts on FB - - - most recently, from the words of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross to the pictures of beautiful skies - - - because these posts reflect the real lives that we all live. I am also reinforced in my core values by witnessing you face the "highs and lows" of life head on in an honest, sincere, and thoughtful perspective. So, the teacher becomes the student in this case...... Congratulations to you on your career and all your other endeavors! Good luck to you as you proceed forward. (And it looks like you had a great time in Williamsport over the past holiday season.)"

This really made my day. It really got me thinking about the things people can do on a daily basis that might require a little "going out of the way".... but that going out of the way can go such a LONG way.

Even tonight, as I moved around the gym, so many people looked... blah! No one smiled. Not one person. And you're probably thinking, so, it's a gym.... but what if that one smile is the one thing that could make or break someones day? How many times a day are each and every one of us given the opportunity to reach out to others. You don't know who is struggling... some people are incredibly talented at hiding their pain.

The message refers to a quote I had put on my page earlier... a quote I got out of a book I received for Christmas from my very dear friend Allison Scott.

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, know struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep, loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen...."

-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

I love this quote because of all the truth it possesses. True beauty is not only found within, but it is a product of everything that we experience... defeat, suffering, loss, etc.

This past year has not been easy. There have been days when I felt my heart could burst with different emotions. Life stops for no one. There are no time outs. My brothers last words replay over and over in my mind at times... "I know you'll be ok" he said. "You are smart, you are strong, you are a leader... you are a JASPER!"

I may not have had the most perfect like growing up, and for many of you know who me and know me well... I have had my fair share of trials and tribulations. But life has no time outs and does not stop for anyone. You have to make the best out of each and every situation, push on when circumstances seem unsurmountable, and try to look at each obstacle as a challenge and then a blessing. Things happen as they should; I don't believe in accidents. It's up to us how we handle both the blessings and the challenges in life.

I don't know what it is that makes me appreciate life so much. I want to live my life like it can be taken away tomorrow because it can. When you experience a loss so close to you, there is no better lesson.



Thank you Mr. B, for your very kind words. This teacher became the student again... you made my day through your inspiring words.


Lyndsay

Merry Christmas

"Since heaven has become your home
I sometimes feel I'm so alone;
And though we now are far apart
You hold a big piece of my heart.
I never knew how much I'd grieve
When it was time for you to leave,
Or just how much my heart would ache
From that one fragment you would take.
God lets this tender hole remain
Reminding me we'll meet again,
And one day all the pain will cease
When he restores this missing piece.
He'll turn to joy my every tear
And when I wear this necklace near
It will become my special way
To treasure our reunion day..."

Merry Christmas Big Bro and BBC!!! haha
Love,
Lil Sis

In The Arms of an Angel

Just when I was beginning to feel grief over the absence of Ryan during the holidays, I received a heart-warming email from a friend. It couldn't have come at a better time:

"Hey Jasp,

I know it's been a while since we've talked, but something happened last year at this time that really struck me... I have been debating whether or not to reach out to you about it, and then I saw your facebook status about your brother....

Last year right around Christmas, Jason and I were walking through our mall and it was completely packed with people getting christmas gifts, etc... We were trying to navigate through he crowds in the main area of the mall and I was getting really irritated and frustrated because people were being really pushy and it was really difficult to get through all the traffic... Then, there was this random man standing to my left walking in the opposite direction and we locked eyes... I know this sounds SO strange but I thought immediately, "That's Ryan"... It was his eyes... I wasn't thinking about you or your brother so it was completely random that he came to mind... I just felt like this man was carrying your brother's spirit... I never even met your brother, and i've only seen him in pictures... but in my mind it was undoubtably him.. He looked at me, smiled and kept moving... I just had this crazy feeling like I had seen an angel... He was like a figure of peace and happiness in the midst of the mall chaos... I know how crazy this all sounds, but it really really struck me... I told Jason about it later that night because it was still on my mind, and I have been debating about telling you ever since...

I wanted to share this with you because I personally believe in angels and that people don't ever really leave us.... I know this time of year must be especially hard for you and your family... I guess I didn't tell you about this sooner because I didn't know if it would upset you or make you happy... I hope it's the latter and that you can smile about it...

Anyways, I hope you are doing well and that you have a wonderful Christmas...
Love,
Aubs"

It's refreshing to read uplifting messages of hope, especially around this time of year. The Holidays were a challenge last year but we got through it so I know we can this year as well. I feel Ryans presence around me often and I know that he is watching over all of us. I guess I just keep waiting to see him again and that feeling of waiting and waiting is not comforting. Still coming to terms with everything I suppose.

All that aside, I know Ryan will be with us this holiday season. His presence is not forgotten; he is with us all the time. Even when we don't know it.

Merry Christmas Eve....

Missing him,
Lynds

Beneath an Orange Sky

I went to see Jack and Jill last night. It was pretty funny. Just really got me thinking towards the end and on my drive home...

In the movie the sister comes to visit her twin brother and spend time with him and his children. I started thinking about how someday when I have kids, they will never get the privilege to meet their Uncle Ryan or spend time with him. My kids will know him other than what I tell them, and they will never have the opportunity to get picked on by him or spend holidays with him. This made me really sad.

This morning I was looking at the one bookshelf we have dedicated to him in our house with all of his things on it and his ashes and pictures and his little black cowboy hat. I thought back to the past year and how far we have all come dealing it; how much we have healed and how much of the pain has subsided, but there is that hole in my heart that I truly never believe will be filled. I miss him a lot and especially during the holidays, but even more so as I am heading back to Baltimore and away from home and all the people and things and places that remind me of him. So much to think about and I just have to keep pusing forward.

Last night Mom and I were remembering a few lines Ryan would always say to us. And how we used to love eating Mandarin Oranges and we remembered how Ryan never use to sleep in his bedroom; only the basement or on the couch. Or how he really never slept much at all. All the little characteristics and behaviors that were very typical of Ryan but all defined who he was -- just makes me smile recalling them.

I was in the hot tub last night and I couldn't help but to stare up at the sky for a while... looking at the stars. Ryan told me - "If you ever need me just look up." I feel his presence when I look up at the sky at night. But my mind wanders and I am honest when I say I get faced with many internal questions when I think about death and God and heaven, and what he looks like to this day or if he is just a spirit or if he spends time with God or if he can see us or hear us or if he wants to talk to us and if he is watching over us and if he misses us or are all these things impossible once someone dies? I guess that death is truly a mystery and you don't realize it until you lose someone very dear to you. I promise you might not even really truly ponder these questions of life and death until that actually happens to you. I know I never did until now.

"Oh well you know I am so weary
And you know my hearts been broken now
Sometimes sometimes my mind is....
Toooooo strong
To carry on....

When I am alone...
When I've thrown off the weight of this crazy stone
When I've lost all care for the things I own
That's when I miss you
You who are my home
You who are my home..."
-Alexi Murdoch, Orange Sky

Thankful for your love this past Thanksgiving. Tough love. Rough love. Important love. Special love. Missed love...........

Lil Sis