Merry Christmas

"Since heaven has become your home
I sometimes feel I'm so alone;
And though we now are far apart
You hold a big piece of my heart.
I never knew how much I'd grieve
When it was time for you to leave,
Or just how much my heart would ache
From that one fragment you would take.
God lets this tender hole remain
Reminding me we'll meet again,
And one day all the pain will cease
When he restores this missing piece.
He'll turn to joy my every tear
And when I wear this necklace near
It will become my special way
To treasure our reunion day..."

Merry Christmas Big Bro and BBC!!! haha
Love,
Lil Sis

In The Arms of an Angel

Just when I was beginning to feel grief over the absence of Ryan during the holidays, I received a heart-warming email from a friend. It couldn't have come at a better time:

"Hey Jasp,

I know it's been a while since we've talked, but something happened last year at this time that really struck me... I have been debating whether or not to reach out to you about it, and then I saw your facebook status about your brother....

Last year right around Christmas, Jason and I were walking through our mall and it was completely packed with people getting christmas gifts, etc... We were trying to navigate through he crowds in the main area of the mall and I was getting really irritated and frustrated because people were being really pushy and it was really difficult to get through all the traffic... Then, there was this random man standing to my left walking in the opposite direction and we locked eyes... I know this sounds SO strange but I thought immediately, "That's Ryan"... It was his eyes... I wasn't thinking about you or your brother so it was completely random that he came to mind... I just felt like this man was carrying your brother's spirit... I never even met your brother, and i've only seen him in pictures... but in my mind it was undoubtably him.. He looked at me, smiled and kept moving... I just had this crazy feeling like I had seen an angel... He was like a figure of peace and happiness in the midst of the mall chaos... I know how crazy this all sounds, but it really really struck me... I told Jason about it later that night because it was still on my mind, and I have been debating about telling you ever since...

I wanted to share this with you because I personally believe in angels and that people don't ever really leave us.... I know this time of year must be especially hard for you and your family... I guess I didn't tell you about this sooner because I didn't know if it would upset you or make you happy... I hope it's the latter and that you can smile about it...

Anyways, I hope you are doing well and that you have a wonderful Christmas...
Love,
Aubs"

It's refreshing to read uplifting messages of hope, especially around this time of year. The Holidays were a challenge last year but we got through it so I know we can this year as well. I feel Ryans presence around me often and I know that he is watching over all of us. I guess I just keep waiting to see him again and that feeling of waiting and waiting is not comforting. Still coming to terms with everything I suppose.

All that aside, I know Ryan will be with us this holiday season. His presence is not forgotten; he is with us all the time. Even when we don't know it.

Merry Christmas Eve....

Missing him,
Lynds

Beneath an Orange Sky

I went to see Jack and Jill last night. It was pretty funny. Just really got me thinking towards the end and on my drive home...

In the movie the sister comes to visit her twin brother and spend time with him and his children. I started thinking about how someday when I have kids, they will never get the privilege to meet their Uncle Ryan or spend time with him. My kids will know him other than what I tell them, and they will never have the opportunity to get picked on by him or spend holidays with him. This made me really sad.

This morning I was looking at the one bookshelf we have dedicated to him in our house with all of his things on it and his ashes and pictures and his little black cowboy hat. I thought back to the past year and how far we have all come dealing it; how much we have healed and how much of the pain has subsided, but there is that hole in my heart that I truly never believe will be filled. I miss him a lot and especially during the holidays, but even more so as I am heading back to Baltimore and away from home and all the people and things and places that remind me of him. So much to think about and I just have to keep pusing forward.

Last night Mom and I were remembering a few lines Ryan would always say to us. And how we used to love eating Mandarin Oranges and we remembered how Ryan never use to sleep in his bedroom; only the basement or on the couch. Or how he really never slept much at all. All the little characteristics and behaviors that were very typical of Ryan but all defined who he was -- just makes me smile recalling them.

I was in the hot tub last night and I couldn't help but to stare up at the sky for a while... looking at the stars. Ryan told me - "If you ever need me just look up." I feel his presence when I look up at the sky at night. But my mind wanders and I am honest when I say I get faced with many internal questions when I think about death and God and heaven, and what he looks like to this day or if he is just a spirit or if he spends time with God or if he can see us or hear us or if he wants to talk to us and if he is watching over us and if he misses us or are all these things impossible once someone dies? I guess that death is truly a mystery and you don't realize it until you lose someone very dear to you. I promise you might not even really truly ponder these questions of life and death until that actually happens to you. I know I never did until now.

"Oh well you know I am so weary
And you know my hearts been broken now
Sometimes sometimes my mind is....
Toooooo strong
To carry on....

When I am alone...
When I've thrown off the weight of this crazy stone
When I've lost all care for the things I own
That's when I miss you
You who are my home
You who are my home..."
-Alexi Murdoch, Orange Sky

Thankful for your love this past Thanksgiving. Tough love. Rough love. Important love. Special love. Missed love...........

Lil Sis

One Year Later...

In 4 days, it will be exactly one year since I lost my big brother and the other half of my heart. In 4 days, I will do whatever it takes to get out of bed. In 4 days I will go to work and do what I need to do, and then after school I will walk out to the soccer field where I received the worst phone call of my life. In 4 days, I will have to be the strongest person I can be, and that Ryan would want me to be.

The entire month of October has been a challenge so far; for some reason when I stopped writing "9" on the chalkboard and began writing "10" a sick feeling came over me. I almost wish I could just skip October altogether. We all knew when it arrived it would be difficult but it just seems that the second you start getting over something, you are smacked in the face with all too familiar settings and scenarios of the year before.

A few people have been asking for another blog -- and I write when I need to. I just figured I would take the time to write when I actually do have the time because I know this week will be busy with soccer and Grad class. I guess I just want to say that although the week will be challenging and heavy on the heart and mind, all I can do is look back to the good times because that was one of Ryan's last requests. As I posted on his Memorial page a few weeks ago, I am so thankful for all the memories growing up that no one will ever truly understand...all the times we watched Beavis and Butthead and Drop Dead Fred and Stand By Me..hours and hours of Jail Break and you dressing me up in all black so I could hide from all the neighbors successfully... playing on the tire swing, swimming in the Nye's pool, taking me for tractor rides, and a million other memories I have of fun times growing up.....telling me there were crocodiles under the bed so I did not leave your side when I snuck into your bedroom at night, telling my Freddy Kreuger lived in the white thing at the bottom of the pool and under the bath tub, telling me I was adopted hahaha....you are someone who truly taught me the real meaning of "Tough Love..." ♥

When you first left us one of my biggest fears was that I would forget all these things or the memories would start to leave me as time passed on but that that is not the case at all; you come to mind at least once a day if not more and although I miss you like crazy and could really go for some hugs from you, I feel you with me when I need you most. You told me that whenever I need you I should just look up and that is just what I do.

We are really gonna need you this week Ry-Pie.... me, Mom, Dad, and the rest of your family. This weekend we will celebrate your life again, with support of all our family and friends, and I know you will be there with us.

On March 4th 2004 my brother wrote "many times in life we all do things to distract us from our own hurt or feelings but if we don't deal with the problem it never goes away and one can never feel alright with oneself." I struggle with this sometimes; I need to get it all out and not bottle it up so that the feelings go away. Just like I was told a year ago, we will never get over it but we WILL get through it.

Found this in my hope chest written by Ryan:

"Star light, star bright, I wish I could see the stars tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wishes I wish tonight.
I wish I could save evreyone I see
But why Oh Lord can't I save me?"

Big hugs going up to you tonight big bro.... gosh I miss you like crazy =( <3
Love always,
Lil Sis

Small Talk

I have been thinking about my brother so much lately and I have just realized why, which lead me to this blog. It's been almost 11 months since he's been gone and that is really hard for me to go that long without talking to him. I have some things I want to talk to him and only him about and what choice do I have? I am just really missing him and would do anything in the world to be able to pick up the phone and call him; to hear his voice again. I put his memorial DVD in tonight thinking that would help but it didn't. It's just not the same.

I still struggle with this, in my own way, on a daily basis, but I know this has helped me become a stronger person and will continue to do so. I know that I will someday take this situation and put all my energy into helping someone else, in whatever way that will be. Maybe it's already in the works.

We were just talking about Ryan yesterday and how he used to dance all crazy and hold the brim of his hat while he danced. I started thinking about all the crazy things he did and how he surely lived your entire life in 30 years! Things like that bring me a little bit of comfort. Comfort to my family as well.

I miss all his crazy faces and that big smile and the crazy times like the time I picked him up from Retreat and we went to the store and he was amazed that Gatorade bottles now had twist tops. All those times I went to visit him.... I loved each and every visit because it was just the two of us talking about anything and everything in the world.

Tears roll down as I watch this video and think of all the years left Ryan had to live and how many things he is missing out on. I just graduated a few weeks ago and it made me sad to realize he was not there to be a part of it but then I realized he was. He wouldn't have missed it for the world.

I just get so down when I think about it sometimes, and angry at the same time, because I want to change it and can't. I know I shouldn't be angry but I guess that's natural. I get angry the more time passes because each month that passes is another month from the last time I saw him and talked to him. It is hard to keep spirits up and memories alive. Everyone else may forget but until you experience a loss similar to the loss of a sibiling, you never forget. It never really leaves your mind. Sometimes I get distracted and think about other things but then my mind will take me back at least once a day. I pray God continues to heal my heart and the hearts of my family, whenever we get to missing him. Missing seeing him, and most of all, missing talking with him. Just a few thoughts I needed to get off my chest....


Missing you big bro, more than you know....

Lil Sis

Somewhere Out There

It's crazy the things that can trigger a meltdown. Today Mom emailed me a sound clip from a new Ad at the Salon, promoting deals for Wedding Season. At the very end of the Ad is a cut of Ryan's voice from when he used to make his own ads. I knew that Ad was new so when I heard him, I guess I just wasn't expecting it -- to hear his voice so loud and clear; it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I sit here tonight, smiling and laughing and crying at some of the memories family have posted the past few days, now that 6 months have passed. It's still so hard for me when my mind gets to that place where I remember everything. How many times can you say you miss someone until it sinks in that you just won't ever see them again?

The other day we were watching TV and an Ad came on for "An American Tale" and I almost lost it. Ryan and I used to LOVE that movie, and at that point, many years later, one of the songs really fit us. Ryan was away and we were writing back and forth evrey few days and I remember it like yesterday... I mentioned that movie to him to see if he remembered watching it as kids and he certainly did. I even remember printing out the lyrics for him and sending them to him. The lyrics were from the song where the brother and sister got split up and they were singing to each from miles away...

Bro: Somewhere out there,
beneath the pale moonlight,
someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight.

Sis: Somewhere out there,
someone's saying a prayer,
that we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there.

Bro: And even though I know how very far apart we are,
it helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star.

Sis: And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby,
it helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky.

Together: Somewhere out there,
if love can see us through,
then we'll be together, somewhere out there,
out where dreams come true.

I really loved this song and the lyrics, even though it was from a cartoon, because at that particular time in our lives, Ryan was away from me but we were still sleeping under the same moon and looking up at the same stars.

Now it's him that I see when I look up at that same moon and those same stars...

Miss you Ry-Pie
<3 Lil Sis

Here is the Piano version of the song without words...
Somewhere Out There...: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyVSvDPv4RM

Flipping the Bird

I thought of Ryan so many times today. When I was teaching Romeo and Juliet to my freshmen, we were discussing how to "bite one's thumb" is a rude gesture for some cultures, and they mentioned the similarities between that and giving someone the finger.

I immediately thought of how Ryan taught me how to "flip the bird" when we were growing up. The first time I used it was when Ryan and I were about 5 and 9. We were at the babysitters house and her house faced another house. The neighbor kids were looking out the window and Ryan told me to flip them the bird so I did. Let's just say it was not met with enthusiasm haha.

One day my Grammy Jasper took my cousin and I out and about for the day. As we were leaving the gas station, apparently we weren't exiting quickly enough for the asshole behind us because he began honking his horn obnoxiously at us, flailing his arms and trying to say something through the glass. I was sitting in the very back of Gram's station wagon, which faces backwards so I was staring at this impatient man right in the face. I got mad that he was being mean to my Gram so once again I did what my brother would have me do... I flipped him the bird. He proceeded to get out of his car and snarled at me, approached my Gram, and told her that the reason he was honking and yelling was because we were pulling away with our gas lid still hanging off. My grandmother was mortified and let's just say I wasn't the favorite grandaughter that day.... Ryan would have been proud though! Haha....


Time to get some sleep....
Lil Sis