Four Years Today

Things happen in life that you can't stop, but that doesn't mean you should shut out the world. I remember this quote from one of my favorite movies from my childhood. I had no idea the significance that the quote would have for me today, years later.

Four years ago we lost Ryan to his lifelong battle with depression. Whenever the month of October approaches, there seems to be a heavy weight all around that tries to drag me down. Some people say that when you lose someone, you should spend your time and energy just remembering the good times and all the memories you had together with that person, which I usually try to do. But the date surrounding his actual death brings forth no good feelings, memories, or emotions. It's actually the only day of my life that I wish I could erase from my memory completely. Eventually October 12th passes and I can refocus and reflect only on the good times again. But this year Ryan's death is being overshadowed by the current state of my Aunt Julie, who is on her deathbed in hospice care at the young age of 42. I can't help but feel like I already lost the only sibling I have, and now I'll lose the closest thing I have to a sister. Growing up, both my Aunt Lori and my Aunt Julie were more than just Aunts to me. We were all so close and they both played such a prominent role in taking care of me that they were like 2nd mothers to me. The fact that I had so much fun with them and could go to them for advice and consolation when my family was experiencing difficulties is what made our bond more like sibilings.

The ultimate truth is that you can make all the plans in the world but God has the main plan. It is SO difficult for us to try and figure out what His plan is, and yet so easy to get angry when life does not seem fair; when the people we love so much are taken from us way too soon. But we just have to have faith and trust in Him that he knows our hearts and we need to believe that what He has in store for us is so much more than we could ever imagine. Sometimes it seems like eternity since I saw Ryan and I'm sure it will feel the same way once we lose Julie, but I truly believe that compared to eternity, it's only a short time that we are apart from our loved ones.

We all lose people we love, in some form or fashion, but anger won't make it easier, and tears won't bring them back. Each person is brought into our lives for a certain reason and with a purpose. If we could just focus on what they taught us and how we could give back to the world in a way that they would, then we could spend less time dwelling on their absence from our lives. This is what is difficult for me. I need to think about all the good qualities they possessed, what they would do in certain situations, and how I can make the world better by doing good things that I learned from them.

Charlie Chaplin once said, "Nothing is permanent in this world. Not even our troubles." So find a way to celebrate your own life, and the lives of those you lost. Smile because you are alive and breathing. Appreciate all of the time you did get to spend with the ones you loved and lost, and remember that even the longest day is only 24 hours.

I miss you every day big Bro... continue watching over our family. I hope that on the day Aunt Julie takes her last breath, you are the first person to greet her and give her the biggest hug anyone has ever felt.

RIP Ryan
6-15-81 -- 10-12-10

Love you!
Lil Sis

Three Years

The last time I was home, my Mom laid a blue notebook on my dresser. The notebook was labeled "Ryan M. Jasper, 3/07-10-29-07" and was slightly worn around the edges. As I began flipping through the pages of this journal, tears welled up in my eyes. Each page was filled with detailed accounts of interactions Ryan had on a daily basis. The more pages I turned, the more memories began to surface. Memories of phone calls made, letters exchanged, visits made. This journal that was from 2007 contains entries from the times that Ryan and I were the absolute closest we had ever been. I was 21 years old and he was 25, and we had finally gotten past the stage or arguing over petty things; more mature and intense conversations replaced the meaningless bickering. I was at a point in my life where I felt like I could talk to Ryan about anything and the same went for him. There wasn't a day that went by in that period of time where my name wasn't found on a journal entry, whether it be for a phone call he made to me, a voicemail he left me, a letter he received from me, pictures he received from me or sent to me, etc. He wrote about visits we had, how good they were, how often he worked out, what he did at the gym, when he played sports, who else he called, etc. Exact times were even listed. He mentions the names of friends of mine that reached out to him and wrote him letters, not only for me but because they genuinely cared about him and wanted to keep him company while he was away. These all warmed my heart all over again.

Growing up, I was always embarrassed that I had a sibling that wasn't quite like me, that got in trouble and spent time away and in prison. But looking back, I have so many letters and cards and drawings that I will have forever. I feel bad for people who lose a loved one and barely have anything to remember them by. They must feel like the memories slip away from them like water through your fingers. I have so many tokens of his love. I have friends and family that tell me that I always go out of my way to make people feel special or to show them that I care and I can see now that this is part of who my family is. This is where we came from. Ryan did the same thing; he was always leaving notes around the house for my Mom or making sure that people were taken care of over holidays, even if he wasn't there to take care of it himself. I take pride in knowing this is the kind of person I am and the kind of people that I was raised by and grew up with.

I also found this poem that my brother wrote me when he was a teenager, the height of times that were more difficult between the two of us. Our relationship was strained for the longest time but I think all that aside, we both had each others best interests at heart. We both cared for each other to the moon and back, and no one could understand what we had. It was unique, for sure. My Dad always told me that no matter how many times Ryan disappointed us, I still stood by him. I would get frustrated for sure, but at the end of the day, all I wanted was for him to be successful and on the right path.

So once again I find myself at my computer thinking of the best way to sum up the emotions associated with this day, yet stumble to find the words that could come close to conveying how I feel. I have struggled some this past month as I'm sure my parents have as well, but I do wake up each morning thankful to be alive and trying to find at least one thing to be thankful for each day. This particular year I am thankful for the artifacts I have found that bring me comfort. Pieces of the past that I will always keep in my possession. Pieces of the past that allow me to remember the good times AND the bad times, but most importantly all the times in between. Those are the memories that, especially during this time of year and on this particular day, I keep closest to my heart, helping to fill the hole.

Miss you every day big bro!

Love,
Your lil sis <3

Enough is enough

In light of the events that have occurred over the past few days, I felt the urge to write. There are specific times when I feel the need to write and vent and typically it’s when I feel my thoughts and emotions spiraling out of control a little bit and I need some sort of release. That is when I turn here.

This horrific event has impacted and will continue to impact many people in many different ways. For me, it stirs up some memories and feelings and concerns. It really hit home as I sat and watched all of these news reports. It is easy to point the finger of blame at guns but anyone with half a brain knows that it is the person behind the gun that is at fault. Sometimes even hearing or saying that word makes me sick to my stomach. Hearing that it was a suicide makes it even more sickening, but the sickest part of all was those innocent lives taken. So young and so much life ahead, which makes it that much more heart-wrenching.

I pray more than anything that despite all this, people do not let this harden their hearts, myself included. In times of darkness such as this, we need to strive every day to look for the light. Look for all the good that still exists because if you focus only on the tragedies and devastations, that is all you will see.
It is unfortunate that it took a tragic and heartless event such as this to make some changes in this country but it must be done and it must be done now. Yes , we need increased security, but not just gun control. More guns, not less, is not the solution. We need to do everything in our power to eliminate placing violent weapons in the hands of people who are mentally ill. We need to do whatever it takes to ensure these tragedies won’t happen again. We need more mental health resources, especially in schools, and easier access to mental help. We need to teach people how to identify signs, as some people are guilty of being ignorant of the clues, signs, and symptoms. You can’t always point the finger of blame at the parents or the family members and I say that from experience. Mental illness might be becoming more prevalent in society today but not everyone can identify the behaviors or diagnose.

It’s helpful to know that people all around the world are grieving for these people so that they don’t have to go through it alone. This tragedy is something that the families will not get over but something they will all get through. Continue to pray for those mourning, pray for our country, pray for our countries leaders, pray for those with mental illnesses and the people around them so that they may help identify the illnesses. Pray for yourself, that you won’t let this harden your heart or instill you with fear. But most of all, pray for the change that this country needs to see, now, so that an event like this will never strike our country again.
With the holidays coming, I know times will be difficult. I know what it’s like to lose someone I love. But I know what kind of person he was and I know that my angel above will take each of those 20 kids in his arms and hug them and watch over them. Until we can all join them again.

This holiday season, hug and hold close to the ones you love and care about. There are some people in the world who would do ANYTHING for just one more hug…

Signed,
Lil Sis

Two Years Today

After some pathetic attempts at sleep the past few nights, I finally decided it was time to write. In honor of the two year mark, I felt it was the least thing I could do to preserve the memory of my big brother.

Two years later, I have learned so much. Not just myself, but through others as well. Their kind words and the close friends that let me ramble on about memories and funny things that pop into mind over time. The memories are what make it easy to look back on. This day itself is only difficult because of the bad memories that I have of this day two years ago that I try not to ever think of. Sometimes I can't help it but I honestly try not to recall it.

I came across a letter a student wrote me shortly after I returned to school. The words hit my heart today, especially, as I know that life may not be easy for everyone but everyone has the same thing in common and that is that life happens to US ALL. We can take comfort in knowing that. Here is the letter and I hope you that, too, will find peace in anything you are struggling with, and that it speaks to you in some way also:

"Dear Ms. Jasper,
How formal is a big colorful card that says something like "feel better" or "I'm sorry"? Those things just cause an apathetic smile and nothing more. You've had a loss. The truth is, none of us know exactly how you feel. We all face losses, but these things affect everyone differently, and they're very dependent on different aspects. All I know is that for you, it hurt. I don't know you extremely well, just from in class, but you're courteous and your comments on my papers are always complimentary. I appreciate that you're a really nice person, and I highly doubt that you deserve what's happened. But you have to take into consideration that it's not your fault. These things happen to people, and that helpless, cold feeling -- it fades. I'm truly sorry for your situation, but I can tell that you're a strong-willed person (ha, if he only knew!). I see you getting through this, and it may not be easy, but it doesn't last forever; nothing does. I find it's easier to accept that in times like this. Take care of yourself Ms. Jasper, get some rest. You deserve it.

Sincerely,
Jade"

This student holds the truth of life in his hands. Life happens to us all, and even when it's not fair, it's no reason to hold in anger or hurt, against the world or anyone else in it.

I'd like to also recall a few words from Ryan's goodbye videos, as I'm sure some of it could apply to others as well.

Some of Ryan's last words: "Keep setting goals and keep pushing on."


"Be happy to have each other. Don't let this get you down. I know it will but don't let it for too long."

"My last wishes are stick together, everyone give each other a hug for me." He said he thanks us all for such a wonderful life; so many beautiful memories and happy times. He was so blessed to have such a wonderful family... he said "we have a big family... if I sit here and try to name everybody I might change my mind!" and then he laughed really hard through more tears and wiped his face....

"Family is the most important thing. Friends come and go, people come and go, but your family is always there for you." I could not ask for a better family, and the friends and coworkers that have become my second family. Even if it's only once a year that I say it, please know that I am beyond grateful for all of the love and companionship.



"I've got two beautiful little girls and everytime I look at them they remind me of you. And they are really gonna need their Aunt Lyndsay ya know? And let them know how much I love them... tell them the good things. I want them to know who I was, and you know me better than anybody.... you and Mom."

"I'm not worried about you because....I already know you're gonna be fine. You're strong, you're smart, you're a leader, you're funny.... and someday, somebody is gonna be very luck to have you. You're gonna make a great wife to some lucky guy."

"Watch out for my kids. Give Mom lots of hugs. We've got a WONDERFUL mother."

"Don't take anybody for granted ya know I know you don't but see Mom and Dad and Grammy and Poppop as much as you can. I've always said to have a good friend be a good friend. Don't let anyone treat you bad. And remember that I'm always with you. I love you."

"Take my lil girls to the park, make sure they date good guys that treat them well." Those two little girls hold the key to my heart and I am beyond thankful that they are so well taken care of and have the best Mommy. They are growing up so insanely fast and their personalities are quirky and very entertaining to say the least haha. Both have a sense of humor and both possess qualities that I used to see in Ryan.

"You are a wonderful little sister and I thank you, for everything. And um, like I said, out of everyone's videos I am making, I know out of everybody you're gonna be alright because... you just are. You're a freakin' Jasper! But, I love you SO much, and thank you for the good times, thank you for standing by my side and believing in me when other people didn't."

Maybe each of us could be that one person that believes in others when it seems they have nowhere else to turn, whether it be a sibling, parent, spouse, student, or even a stranger -- careful now ;)

"I love you, and I'll always be by your side. Anytime you need me just look up."

Every single day big bro <3

Greens, Blues, and Whites

Greens, Blues, and Whites
By Lyndsay M. Jasper

The hand of fate
reaches down.
Firm grasp;
muscles tense,
small flip of the wrist and
suddenly
the marble swirled
with greens, blues, and whites
turned
upside down.
Nothing here remains the same.
"Change is good" many say.
"Change is the law of life."
Sure, I certainly contest,
yet the words flow
so much easier,
so much more freely
from the mouth of a man
whose feet are firmly planted
on the ground,
from the mouth of a man
who can actually stand
two feet
grounded,
away from the edge
of this marble
swirled with greens, blues, and whites.

When the Tide Rushed In

When the Tide Rushed In
By Lyndsay M. Jasper


How can one navigate a ship
When tangential tides can no longer be predicted
Are predictions not the beauty in vast oceans waves?
Predictions turn to capricious turns and tides
With two very similar entities from God
The sun, strong-willed and suggestive
The moon, determined and dominating
Two separate forces come together
Their changing positions far from gradual
The earth’s ocean surface constantly rises and falls
As tidal forces of both the moon and sun
Aggressively act on the oceans.
Tidal streams affect previously established dreams
Outside forces
The shape of the sea floor
Strong winds
The tide pays much attention to obstructions of pattern
Gravitational fields
Constant pulling and tension
A release.
Tides that used to only vary in manner and space
Once again vary in place.
Just days before the low tide rushed in
Strips of seashore were exposed
It’s high time that high tide emerge
Now the seashore has been submerged.

Inspire.

I don't really consider myself a writer, but I have been feeling a bit of "writers block" lately and it's been about a month since I've written in my blog. I have been thinking about a lot and I have a lot to say (as usual) but nothing seemed to move me enough to get me here. Until tonight...

While I was at the gym, I received a message on Facebook from a previous teacher. The message reads as follows:

"While our interaction stems from years past, I just have to tell you how inspirational you are to me. I enjoy your posts on FB - - - most recently, from the words of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross to the pictures of beautiful skies - - - because these posts reflect the real lives that we all live. I am also reinforced in my core values by witnessing you face the "highs and lows" of life head on in an honest, sincere, and thoughtful perspective. So, the teacher becomes the student in this case...... Congratulations to you on your career and all your other endeavors! Good luck to you as you proceed forward. (And it looks like you had a great time in Williamsport over the past holiday season.)"

This really made my day. It really got me thinking about the things people can do on a daily basis that might require a little "going out of the way".... but that going out of the way can go such a LONG way.

Even tonight, as I moved around the gym, so many people looked... blah! No one smiled. Not one person. And you're probably thinking, so, it's a gym.... but what if that one smile is the one thing that could make or break someones day? How many times a day are each and every one of us given the opportunity to reach out to others. You don't know who is struggling... some people are incredibly talented at hiding their pain.

The message refers to a quote I had put on my page earlier... a quote I got out of a book I received for Christmas from my very dear friend Allison Scott.

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, know struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep, loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen...."

-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

I love this quote because of all the truth it possesses. True beauty is not only found within, but it is a product of everything that we experience... defeat, suffering, loss, etc.

This past year has not been easy. There have been days when I felt my heart could burst with different emotions. Life stops for no one. There are no time outs. My brothers last words replay over and over in my mind at times... "I know you'll be ok" he said. "You are smart, you are strong, you are a leader... you are a JASPER!"

I may not have had the most perfect like growing up, and for many of you know who me and know me well... I have had my fair share of trials and tribulations. But life has no time outs and does not stop for anyone. You have to make the best out of each and every situation, push on when circumstances seem unsurmountable, and try to look at each obstacle as a challenge and then a blessing. Things happen as they should; I don't believe in accidents. It's up to us how we handle both the blessings and the challenges in life.

I don't know what it is that makes me appreciate life so much. I want to live my life like it can be taken away tomorrow because it can. When you experience a loss so close to you, there is no better lesson.



Thank you Mr. B, for your very kind words. This teacher became the student again... you made my day through your inspiring words.


Lyndsay