Beneath an Orange Sky

I went to see Jack and Jill last night. It was pretty funny. Just really got me thinking towards the end and on my drive home...

In the movie the sister comes to visit her twin brother and spend time with him and his children. I started thinking about how someday when I have kids, they will never get the privilege to meet their Uncle Ryan or spend time with him. My kids will know him other than what I tell them, and they will never have the opportunity to get picked on by him or spend holidays with him. This made me really sad.

This morning I was looking at the one bookshelf we have dedicated to him in our house with all of his things on it and his ashes and pictures and his little black cowboy hat. I thought back to the past year and how far we have all come dealing it; how much we have healed and how much of the pain has subsided, but there is that hole in my heart that I truly never believe will be filled. I miss him a lot and especially during the holidays, but even more so as I am heading back to Baltimore and away from home and all the people and things and places that remind me of him. So much to think about and I just have to keep pusing forward.

Last night Mom and I were remembering a few lines Ryan would always say to us. And how we used to love eating Mandarin Oranges and we remembered how Ryan never use to sleep in his bedroom; only the basement or on the couch. Or how he really never slept much at all. All the little characteristics and behaviors that were very typical of Ryan but all defined who he was -- just makes me smile recalling them.

I was in the hot tub last night and I couldn't help but to stare up at the sky for a while... looking at the stars. Ryan told me - "If you ever need me just look up." I feel his presence when I look up at the sky at night. But my mind wanders and I am honest when I say I get faced with many internal questions when I think about death and God and heaven, and what he looks like to this day or if he is just a spirit or if he spends time with God or if he can see us or hear us or if he wants to talk to us and if he is watching over us and if he misses us or are all these things impossible once someone dies? I guess that death is truly a mystery and you don't realize it until you lose someone very dear to you. I promise you might not even really truly ponder these questions of life and death until that actually happens to you. I know I never did until now.

"Oh well you know I am so weary
And you know my hearts been broken now
Sometimes sometimes my mind is....
Toooooo strong
To carry on....

When I am alone...
When I've thrown off the weight of this crazy stone
When I've lost all care for the things I own
That's when I miss you
You who are my home
You who are my home..."
-Alexi Murdoch, Orange Sky

Thankful for your love this past Thanksgiving. Tough love. Rough love. Important love. Special love. Missed love...........

Lil Sis