Lyndsay's Last Letter to Ryan

Dear Ry-Pie,

It’s Lin-seed, your baby sis. I have so much on my mind and I cannot stop thinking about you and how I would give anything for one more big bear hug from you. Although I don’t even know where to begin, I’d like to start by saying… THANK YOU. You have always been so protective of me. You picked me up when I was down, stood up for me, offered to drive 3 hours to Baltimore in the middle of night when I was in need, and you never once turned your back on me. You taught me to stand up for myself, to not let anyone take advantage of me, and you taught me every road not to take in life. I owe the way my life has turned out so far to you. Despite the decisions you have made over the years, you never let me come even close to going off the beaten path. For that, I am forever indebted to you.

I have spent hours and hours these past three or four days running memories through my mind, smiling about them, laughing about them, crying about them, questioning, and I’d just like to recall a few of my favorite memories:

One of my earliest memories of you is from about age 4, when I used to sneak into your bedroom at night because I was scared to sleep alone. I would tip toe across the hall as quietly as could be and sometimes I got caught but sometimes I didn’t. The nights that I didn’t, I thought you would kick me out but you told me that there were alligators under the bed that would get me if I tried to leave. Secretly, I knew that you just really wanted me to stay with you because you didn’t want to be alone either.

Another memory is when you taught me to ski in 9th grade at Ski Sawmill. I’m not sure if I credit my teaching skills to you because to teach me to ski, you took me to the very top of the hill “just to look around” and then you gave me a nice, solid push down the hill. I may have screamed at the top of my lungs the entire ride down the hill, but by the end of the day I was officially a skier.

You were always teaching me something, whether it was how to say a bad word, how to sneak into the cookie cabinet without mom and dad hearing, or the time when you decided to teach me how to give people the bird at the age of five. This became my infamous hand gesture, and as innocent as I was, I had no clue in the world what my gesture was actually suggesting. I always gave the bird with a huge smile.

One other memory I have is when I turned 23 and you wanted to buy me a tattoo for my birthday. I was a little apprehensive because tattoos are so permanent, and taste changes every few years, so I pondered for days prior to the big day, asking myself what could I possibly get that would never change… my relationship with you. That day in the tattoo parlor I was scared as anything and you laughed with me and held my hand and taped me, of course, and when I looked down and it was over, the symbol for “little sister” was branded on my foot forever. You went next and got “big brother” and I felt so special to you in that moment. Special enough that you wanted me even closer to you than I already was, a symbol that lasts forever and can never be erased. I will look down at that every day and smile.

Ryan loved his family more than anything in this world. Even though he was not always around, he never missed a birthday, holiday, or “just thinking of you” moment. He loved having dinners with his family for birthdays, and his favorite place in this world was Poppop Palmer’s cabin. Poppop would drive Ryan and me up to his cabin in Canton, PA almost every weekend when we were growing up. He would let us ride in the very back of his pick up truck with the dogs. This would be unheard of in this day and age but we had no worries in the world up there. Ryan also loved going to Seaside Park, NJ where Poppop Palmer had a beautiful house right on the bay. We would collect seashells on the beach during the day, then bring them home and paint them and sell them on the side of the street. With all the money he made, he would always buy something for everyone, or take me to get an ice cream cone. He was an entrepreneur even at the age of 10.

Ryan has been away off and on and for years, but everything happens for a reason, and if he hadn’t, I wouldn’t have bags and bags of letters that we wrote to each other over the past ten years. I have tokens of his love, concern, thoughts, worries, fears, passions, desires, and hopes for the future all tucked away, written in his own handwriting, letters and words that form pieces of his heart and mind that I will treasure forever. When Ryan was away and I would go visit him, we would laugh and laugh, talk about girls, eat, talk about girls some more, reminisce on good times, and talk about girls some more. Ryan was a magnet for all sorts of people over the years, but there is one that had his heart from the beginning.

Anna. Anna is one of the sweetest and caring mothers, friends, girlfriend, daughter, and sister that anyone could ask for. She was Ryan’s rock and she tried with all her might to keep Ryan grounded. Her strength in this difficult time is admirable, and she is a part of our family now more than ever, and always will be. Anna, thank you for showing my brother what true love is on his short time here on earth. The two of you had a unique love, and a love that created two of the most important things in my life: Jewelana and Lydia. I will see Ryan every time I look into either one of their eyes and that gives me a sense of peace and thankfulness. Our family could not have asked for two better gifts than these two angels to remind us of Ryan each and every day.

Now, Ryan was a rebel even as a child. He would jump out of his crib and my Mom and Dad would find him in the living room eating Cheerio’s and watching TV. He never did his spelling homework and he bribed me to do it for him in exchange for letting me borrow his Sublime tape. This may or may not have contributed to me becoming an English teacher, but it might have something to do with Ryan asking me how to spell things all the time (smile). He got his sense of humor from my Dad, and it never left him.

Ryan, you may not have always made the best decisions in this life but you took pride in being yourself, being true, and being real, even if it wasn’t the best way to be in everyone else’s eyes. For that, you are my hero. E.E. Cummings once wrote, “To be yourself in a world that’s doing its best to make you somebody else is to fight the hardest battles you are ever going to find.” You fought until the very end; you never stopped fighting for what you believed in.

I’m sure there will be good days and bad for me, but not a day will go by that I don’t see Ryan’s face in my memory, his big smile that could light up an entire room, his crazy antics and unpredictability that always kept everyone on their toes, and his heart that is by far the biggest heart of a man that you will ever meet. He got this heart from his Mommy and Dad, who would have done anything for him. They were both there for him from the minute he was born, to the moment that he took his last breath. Their love for him is undying and true, a love not all will ever understand, but a love that helped Ryan have the best life he could despite given circumstances.

We all lost a loyal companion this week. God better get prepared because he has one hell of an angel joining his crew up there. I’m sure he will be up there looking down on us each day and night, laughing, and watching his two beautiful baby girls grow up, without ever forgetting their Daddy.

One of Ryan’s last requests was for people to see that he really was a good hearted person and would do anything for anyone in this world. I hope that by hearing these thoughts and memories, you see that Ryan was no monster. He was a young man that would sacrifice anything for the people he loved most, no matter how many times they turned away from him. A man with a heart of gold. This week I not only lost a brother, but a best friend. Ryan and I shared a very unique bond that no one will ever understand except him and I. The love I have for my brother will never fade, never be replaced; he will always be my big bro and I will always be his baby sis.

Ryan, you always said to people “This is Lyndsay, my baby sis, that’s my heart right there.” That’s where I plan to keep you forever big bro, in each little piece of my broken heart.

Love you always, Your baby sis, Lynds

Anna's Last Letter to Ryan

Ryan Matthew,

Throughout the years you have given me the most memorable moments of my life. From dancing in the Steamtown mall parking deck to the song “time of my life” to the births of our two beautiful daughters, those moments were made possible because of you!


You have taught me to believe in myself, stand up for what I believe in, not care what other people think, and you’ve made me stronger than I ever knew I could be.


We had our highs and lows, ups and downs, laughs and cries, but through it all we always stuck by each other. We shared a deep love that only some dream of having.


You always found a way to make me laugh, whether it be a cute dance, funny joke, or saying something embarrassing in front of a crowd of people. You always found a way to put a smile on my face.


In one year (51 weeks to be exact), we were blessed with two miracles of life, our daughters Jewelana Rhian and Lydia Grace, both of which look just like you, especially Jewelana. You were her best bud. Every time she saw you, her eyes lit up like kaleidoscopes. And Lydia, although she didn’t get to spend as much time with you, will never question who her daddy really was because I will ensure her that you were loving, caring, generous, adventurous, affectionate, and spontaneous.


I hope you always know that the babies and I love you very much and will be thinking of you often. We know that although you are no longer physically here, your spirit remains and you will continue to love and watch over us. Until our family is together again in heaven, thank you, Ryan Matthew, for truly giving me the time of my life.

Love always,

Anna

Mom's Last Letter to Ryan

Dear Ryan, From your Mom,


Ryan, I know you are here, I can feel you. I am not going to say good –bye because you are with me always. I learned to do this because we spent so much time apart. We would both be looking at the moon while we were talking on the phone. I will always think of you when I look at the moon.

Ryan means “Little King”, and that, you were. When you were a little boy, you would bring me yellow dandelions and your little nose would be all yellow from sniffing them so much. Last week you gave me a big yellow mum with a big smile on your face. I could see the pain behind that smile, and I know how you tried to overcome the feelings of sadness in your heart, but those beautiful blue eyes and big smile and hugs is what I will always remember the most. I know that you are in heaven, sitting with Jesus and making plans on how you will help others from Heaven, because that is what you did best. Help others.


I remember when you were 12, and we were in Baltimore when you gave your last dollar to a homeless man. And once when you were away, you used your snack money to buy an old man a pair of sneakers because he didn’t have shoes. I remember at our yard sale when the skinny mom and her two boys only had 10.00 dollars and they needed sneakers for school, and I watched you look at their faces of disappointment as they walked away after she told them she didn’t have enough money. I knew before you did it, what you were going to do. Remember how happy they were with Brand new sneakers. You were truly a little king.


You know that Darrin loved you so much, like the son he never had. He will be yelling “Spring Break !!“ from the boat everytime we go up the river in your memory !! Please know that we are sad, but will carry on for you, and your family like you asked us to. Thank you for being a wonderful son, and thank you for giving us two beautiful blue eyes girls who will be treasured forever.


Everyday was an adventure with you, and Thank you for being such a neat person. We surely had our ups and downs, but I stood by you no matter want, and I will stand by you to the day I come and join you in heaven. I am so thankful that our family now has the best guardian angel anyone could ask for. I love you and will be talking to you in my prayers every day.

This song is for you Ryan. “If I die young”


Love you, Mom

Dad's Last Letter to Ryan

To my loving son Ryan,

On the afternoon of October 12, as your Mom and I sat on an old trailer behind my office trying to come to grasps with what has just happened to our only son, a sense of calmness came over me that I have never experienced. The calm was so real and all the pain that was so intense in my heart as well as my physical pain was suddenly gone. As I sat there trying to comprehend how this could be I looked over at your Mom - I could literally see by the expression on her face that I didn't even need to ask -- her pain had also suddenly stopped. Although this experience of peace and calm only lasted momentarily - I realized that this was your way of letting us know that you were finally at peace.

Very few people could ever understand the special bond that a father and son develop when that son has experienced so much turmoil and surely the pain that goes with it. I realize now that the love is so exceptionally deep because of a parents duty to love, protect, and shelter their children from any pain that they could experience. I also have come to realize that as a parent who is instinctively trying to shelter that child from any pain -- that we actually try to take the pain ourselves and even though it never can be accomplished -- we know that by sharing that pain we are at least helping them bear that burden.

I know that our family has a long road ahead of us and the heartache and sorrow we feel today will never go away, I do realize that just knowing you are at peace, will help us all get thru this. Although it's one of those things that we never really talked about - the way you always made me feel like the greatest father in the world is one of the most precious gifts you could ever have given me. Thank you Ryan for letting us know that you are happy where you are and eventually someday I will be able to share that peace and calm that you now have. I love you Ryan.

Dad

October 2006

This morning I found this letter I wrote to Ryan in 2006...

Ryan,
I’m really sorry about what happened tonight. I feel really bad and I am worried about you but I will say a few prayers that you are ok. I know I won’t be able to sleep tonight cause I do worry too much. That’s probably why I wrote that poem, cause I always think about stuff before I fall asleep.

Regardless of all that, I have faith in you that you handled it all ok when you were confronted and I’m hoping everything is ok. I hate this, I just want you to come home! It’s so hard leaving there and leaving you there. I know it is ten times harder for you, since you stay there, but it is a feeling that I cannot even describe. I hate it though. And the hardest part is, I can’t really talk to any of my friends about it because none of them understand. I just want you to come home so badly and I get so scared thinking about people that might try to mess with you when you get out or instigate shit. I can’t even imagine what would happen if you had to go back there. I guess I just need to stop thinking like that and just be positive, and have FAITH in you that you are a different person. You are so smart and I know you have learned your lesson and you’re looking forward to starting your life over and maybe then I will stop worrying.

My friend is on medication for excessive worrying – maybe I should ask my doctor about it. Anyways please call Mom soon and let her know if everything is ok or not ok!! Anyways I’m going to try to get some sleep. It was a nice visit today and I hope you enjoyed yourself and are proud of yourself!!!

Love you as much as I love Reese Peanut Butter Cups
<3 Lynds

Weekend Phone Calls

I got the most beautiful card from my best friend Megan today. It was perfect. After reading her words, so many memories rushed back to me.

"Lynds,
Words cannot express the sorrow I feel for you and your family. Ryan was like a big brother to me. While I may not have been that close to him, what I did know of him I knew him through you. When I first met you Ryan was not around. However, I came to know him through stories, memories, and photos. I remember you telling me stories on how he used to call you names which drove you nuts :P I remember hanging out in his room and you showing me all the lil things that defined him. I remember lying in your room on weekend mornings reading letters he had written or talking to him on the phone.

I remember how we would talk to him Friday or Saturday nights before going out and he would always say to me "look out for my lil sis." Even though he was not physically around he was still looking out for you. What I am trying to say Lynds, is that I came to know and love Ryan through you; through your memories and stories of him. So while he may not be with us now he will live through you and people who know you will come to know and love Ryan.

Those girls could not have asked for a better person than yourself to carry on his memory. I know times are hard now and it will take time before you can adjust, but I know Ryan is with God now and he has a smile on his face because he is finally at peace. He has no pressure from the world around him. He is with us every day and is up there watching over us all! Love always, Meg"

She's right. Back when I was in college he'd call me almost every Friday night before I went out, gave me the father-daughter speech "Be careful, don't drink too much, don't drink and drive!"
and then Saturday or Sunday mornings he would call and see how my weekends were. <3 Surely going to miss that.

Thanks for the memory Meg!

Meet in My Dreams

I just had a dream about Ryan. I'm pretty sure this was the first one so I need to write it down before I forget.

In my dream, everyone had already heard the news. We were all up at the cabin together, for New Years Eve.

First I walked by a bedroom and saw Ryan laying in bed and Nana with him, just crying and crying, holding him. She was holding and kissing his face. Nana left and I noticed he was breathing! I even heard him snoring a little (hahA). I ran down to tell my Mom that he was actually alive... and snoring!

Then he was downstairs out on the sun porch, laying on the couch. I was hugging and hugging him. When I hugged him for the first time, I just started crying so hard. I knew that he knew how sad I was we lost him by how hard I was crying, and he hugged me tighter.

All I remember next was him getting up off the couch first to help me up. He stood over me, lifting me off the couch, and told me to do some sit ups!!! Hahaha :) I guess that's when my alarm went off.

It was very nice to see him!

Now, onto reality.