Things happen in life that you can't stop, but that doesn't mean you should shut out the world. I remember this quote from one of my favorite movies from my childhood. I had no idea the significance that the quote would have for me today, years later.
Four years ago we lost Ryan to his lifelong battle with depression. Whenever the month of October approaches, there seems to be a heavy weight all around that tries to drag me down. Some people say that when you lose someone, you should spend your time and energy just remembering the good times and all the memories you had together with that person, which I usually try to do. But the date surrounding his actual death brings forth no good feelings, memories, or emotions. It's actually the only day of my life that I wish I could erase from my memory completely. Eventually October 12th passes and I can refocus and reflect only on the good times again. But this year Ryan's death is being overshadowed by the current state of my Aunt Julie, who is on her deathbed in hospice care at the young age of 42. I can't help but feel like I already lost the only sibling I have, and now I'll lose the closest thing I have to a sister. Growing up, both my Aunt Lori and my Aunt Julie were more than just Aunts to me. We were all so close and they both played such a prominent role in taking care of me that they were like 2nd mothers to me. The fact that I had so much fun with them and could go to them for advice and consolation when my family was experiencing difficulties is what made our bond more like sibilings.
The ultimate truth is that you can make all the plans in the world but God has the main plan. It is SO difficult for us to try and figure out what His plan is, and yet so easy to get angry when life does not seem fair; when the people we love so much are taken from us way too soon. But we just have to have faith and trust in Him that he knows our hearts and we need to believe that what He has in store for us is so much more than we could ever imagine. Sometimes it seems like eternity since I saw Ryan and I'm sure it will feel the same way once we lose Julie, but I truly believe that compared to eternity, it's only a short time that we are apart from our loved ones.
We all lose people we love, in some form or fashion, but anger won't make it easier, and tears won't bring them back. Each person is brought into our lives for a certain reason and with a purpose. If we could just focus on what they taught us and how we could give back to the world in a way that they would, then we could spend less time dwelling on their absence from our lives. This is what is difficult for me. I need to think about all the good qualities they possessed, what they would do in certain situations, and how I can make the world better by doing good things that I learned from them.
Charlie Chaplin once said, "Nothing is permanent in this world. Not even our troubles." So find a way to celebrate your own life, and the lives of those you lost. Smile because you are alive and breathing. Appreciate all of the time you did get to spend with the ones you loved and lost, and remember that even the longest day is only 24 hours.
I miss you every day big Bro... continue watching over our family. I hope that on the day Aunt Julie takes her last breath, you are the first person to greet her and give her the biggest hug anyone has ever felt.
RIP Ryan
6-15-81 -- 10-12-10
Love you!
Lil Sis
