I have been thinking about my brother so much lately and I have just realized why, which lead me to this blog. It's been almost 11 months since he's been gone and that is really hard for me to go that long without talking to him. I have some things I want to talk to him and only him about and what choice do I have? I am just really missing him and would do anything in the world to be able to pick up the phone and call him; to hear his voice again. I put his memorial DVD in tonight thinking that would help but it didn't. It's just not the same.
I still struggle with this, in my own way, on a daily basis, but I know this has helped me become a stronger person and will continue to do so. I know that I will someday take this situation and put all my energy into helping someone else, in whatever way that will be. Maybe it's already in the works.
We were just talking about Ryan yesterday and how he used to dance all crazy and hold the brim of his hat while he danced. I started thinking about all the crazy things he did and how he surely lived your entire life in 30 years! Things like that bring me a little bit of comfort. Comfort to my family as well.
I miss all his crazy faces and that big smile and the crazy times like the time I picked him up from Retreat and we went to the store and he was amazed that Gatorade bottles now had twist tops. All those times I went to visit him.... I loved each and every visit because it was just the two of us talking about anything and everything in the world.
Tears roll down as I watch this video and think of all the years left Ryan had to live and how many things he is missing out on. I just graduated a few weeks ago and it made me sad to realize he was not there to be a part of it but then I realized he was. He wouldn't have missed it for the world.
I just get so down when I think about it sometimes, and angry at the same time, because I want to change it and can't. I know I shouldn't be angry but I guess that's natural. I get angry the more time passes because each month that passes is another month from the last time I saw him and talked to him. It is hard to keep spirits up and memories alive. Everyone else may forget but until you experience a loss similar to the loss of a sibiling, you never forget. It never really leaves your mind. Sometimes I get distracted and think about other things but then my mind will take me back at least once a day. I pray God continues to heal my heart and the hearts of my family, whenever we get to missing him. Missing seeing him, and most of all, missing talking with him. Just a few thoughts I needed to get off my chest....
Missing you big bro, more than you know....
Lil Sis
