After some pathetic attempts at sleep the past few nights, I finally decided it was time to write. In honor of the two year mark, I felt it was the least thing I could do to preserve the memory of my big brother.
Two years later, I have learned so much. Not just myself, but through others as well. Their kind words and the close friends that let me ramble on about memories and funny things that pop into mind over time. The memories are what make it easy to look back on. This day itself is only difficult because of the bad memories that I have of this day two years ago that I try not to ever think of. Sometimes I can't help it but I honestly try not to recall it.
I came across a letter a student wrote me shortly after I returned to school. The words hit my heart today, especially, as I know that life may not be easy for everyone but everyone has the same thing in common and that is that life happens to US ALL. We can take comfort in knowing that. Here is the letter and I hope you that, too, will find peace in anything you are struggling with, and that it speaks to you in some way also:
"Dear Ms. Jasper,
How formal is a big colorful card that says something like "feel better" or "I'm sorry"? Those things just cause an apathetic smile and nothing more. You've had a loss. The truth is, none of us know exactly how you feel. We all face losses, but these things affect everyone differently, and they're very dependent on different aspects. All I know is that for you, it hurt. I don't know you extremely well, just from in class, but you're courteous and your comments on my papers are always complimentary. I appreciate that you're a really nice person, and I highly doubt that you deserve what's happened. But you have to take into consideration that it's not your fault. These things happen to people, and that helpless, cold feeling -- it fades. I'm truly sorry for your situation, but I can tell that you're a strong-willed person (ha, if he only knew!). I see you getting through this, and it may not be easy, but it doesn't last forever; nothing does. I find it's easier to accept that in times like this. Take care of yourself Ms. Jasper, get some rest. You deserve it.
Sincerely,
Jade"
This student holds the truth of life in his hands. Life happens to us all, and even when it's not fair, it's no reason to hold in anger or hurt, against the world or anyone else in it.
I'd like to also recall a few words from Ryan's goodbye videos, as I'm sure some of it could apply to others as well.
Some of Ryan's last words: "Keep setting goals and keep pushing on."
"Be happy to have each other. Don't let this get you down. I know it will but don't let it for too long."
"My last wishes are stick together, everyone give each other a hug for me." He said he thanks us all for such a wonderful life; so many beautiful memories and happy times. He was so blessed to have such a wonderful family... he said "we have a big family... if I sit here and try to name everybody I might change my mind!" and then he laughed really hard through more tears and wiped his face....
"Family is the most important thing. Friends come and go, people come and go, but your family is always there for you." I could not ask for a better family, and the friends and coworkers that have become my second family. Even if it's only once a year that I say it, please know that I am beyond grateful for all of the love and companionship.
"I've got two beautiful little girls and everytime I look at them they remind me of you. And they are really gonna need their Aunt Lyndsay ya know? And let them know how much I love them... tell them the good things. I want them to know who I was, and you know me better than anybody.... you and Mom."
"I'm not worried about you because....I already know you're gonna be fine. You're strong, you're smart, you're a leader, you're funny.... and someday, somebody is gonna be very luck to have you. You're gonna make a great wife to some lucky guy."
"Watch out for my kids. Give Mom lots of hugs. We've got a WONDERFUL mother."
"Don't take anybody for granted ya know I know you don't but see Mom and Dad and Grammy and Poppop as much as you can. I've always said to have a good friend be a good friend. Don't let anyone treat you bad. And remember that I'm always with you. I love you."
"Take my lil girls to the park, make sure they date good guys that treat them well." Those two little girls hold the key to my heart and I am beyond thankful that they are so well taken care of and have the best Mommy. They are growing up so insanely fast and their personalities are quirky and very entertaining to say the least haha. Both have a sense of humor and both possess qualities that I used to see in Ryan.
"You are a wonderful little sister and I thank you, for everything. And um, like I said, out of everyone's videos I am making, I know out of everybody you're gonna be alright because... you just are. You're a freakin' Jasper! But, I love you SO much, and thank you for the good times, thank you for standing by my side and believing in me when other people didn't."
Maybe each of us could be that one person that believes in others when it seems they have nowhere else to turn, whether it be a sibling, parent, spouse, student, or even a stranger -- careful now ;)
"I love you, and I'll always be by your side. Anytime you need me just look up."
Every single day big bro <3
