On January 1, 2011... the first day of the new year.... my family and I held the remains of my brother, Ryan, in between our fingers. I can't begin to explain what that felt like, to look down and see someone so cared for and missed in the palms of our hands, a million different pieces. We all moved in close and said some prayers. Some shared memories and thoughts, while others just sank their heads quietly in deep thought, at a loss for words.
We spread the ashes up in Canton, PA where our cabin is.... up at the big pond, where Ryan and I spent a ton of time when we were little, racing around on four-wheelers, fishing, swimming, and ice-skating in the winter. This was truly one of Ryan's favorite places to be. This is where Ryan was in his last few hours where he made our goodbye videos.
Not a day goes by that I do not think of Ryan, and I'm sure same goes to each of us in the family, as well as some close friends. The holidays were surely a challenge... things were just not the same. Some lost any desire to decorate, celebrate, be around other people, etc. but they all pushed through.... because they knew Ryan would want them to. I have come to terms with the fact that holidays will always be difficult, as well as the entire month of October, and the twelfth of each and every month that passed. It has been three months today since Ryan has been gone. Somedays it feels like it was just yesterday.... other days it feels like it's been years and years because time slows down sometimes... or maybe we just want it to. Life moves quickly. Things happen in the blink of an eye. Things we can't change; things we can.
Lastly, I'd like to apologize for waiting so long to write. I really have no explanation for why I stopped writing. A lot of people have asked my why I stopped and I wasn't sure what to say. For once in my life, I had no answer. I reassured people with "Oh yeah... I need to soon." or "I will soon!" but I knew deep down I wouldn't. Not yet. As I was running tonight, I realized a few things. When things go wrong or bad, I tend to try to block it out of my mind and my memory, or brush it under the rug, if you will. (Wonder where I got that from.... Ahem, Momma....). Anyway, everyone knows people go through stages when they are faced with loss. I realized that to me, not blogging was my way of denying that I was writing in a website to keep my brother alive..........
Until next time....
"In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return."
Miss you big bro,
<3 Lil sis
